I married him with many joyful tears
Thinking that our love would only grow
I lived with him abiding ten long years
he always on a mountain, I below.
He never thought that I could be his peer
His criticisms worse then any blow
He fed me anger, prayed upon my fears
His heart had no compassion to bestow
Through all the lonely nights I did endure
He never thought to hold me in my bed
I laid there all alone and insecure
Imprisoned by the hurtful words he said
Each day becoming someone more obscure
I never dreamed this life the day I wed
Patricia Gibson-Williams
August 29, 2006
~*~
One day as I washing up some plates
He telling me what I’d done wrong again…
I listened to him badger and berate
telling me of more imagined sins
I looked around the rooms of our estate
and wondered would this madness ever end
Then suddenly I felt a lifting weight
and heard the silky sounds of violins
I picked my pride up off the dusty floor
As blood once frozen in my barren veins
began to warm my weary heart once more
Stepping away from his malicious games
-knowing I needed someone who adored-
I freed myself of his unholy chains
Patricia Gibson-Williams
August 30, 2006
Author notes
Written August 30th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- Ivan Franko Birthday Sonnet Competition by Vera Rich.
300 points, ended December 19, 2006, 3 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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First of all, I have to tell you that your poem does NOT fulfil the competition rules - since you have masculine rhymes throughout... BUT PLEASE do not remove it yet... All entrants who leave their poems on site until after the critiquing period is over will receive some points. And if you critique at least three other entrants' work during this period, you will receive further bonus points!.
Looking at it simply as a POEM - and not an entry for the competition, I have to say that I am a little worried about the rhymes in the octave of the second poem - "sins" and "violins" is fine, and "again" (whether one pronounces it to rhyme with "vain" or "men") works as an assonance in English - but "end" strikes me as a little awkward. My ear will tolerate "either" the aforesaid English-style assonance, OR the Slavonic-style rhymes in which the consonants may differ but the vowels must chime exactly (and I routinely use both techniques in my translation work). However, the combination of assonance PLUS differing consonants does pose a problem for me - the result simply is too far from what I perceive as a rhyme.
A "plus" about this pair is that the two poems refer to "Freedom" and "Captivity" in the same context. I did not specify this in the rules - but hoped that some poets at least might hit on this idea. (Have you, I wonder, ever tried a dyadic - a pair of poems linked thematically, in identical form, and using the same rhyme words in corresponding positions in both? If you have not yet done so, perhaps you should try this some time?) -
Thank you for entering... I am now doing the presort of the competition...
Please note that
there will be "place" points for all entrants who leave their poems in the competition page until 20 December.
In addition, entrants who give meaningful critiques of at least three other entries in the course of the next week will receive additional points.
However, entrants who remove their entries before I notify them of their final total of points will forfeit the said points... -
The truth is I didn't enter this with the thought that I had any chance of winning. I entered it to try and learn something. I had the feeling that I was missing something on the whole fem/masc rhyme thing, and I entered hoping that by getting critics I might figure out what that was. I’m proud of the poems as they stand. However I still want to learn what I set out to when I started writing them. I read your poems hoping to gain more understanding and I thought they were very good. I think what I need to do is read a bunch of poetry where the rhymes are labeled (fem vs masculine) so that my brain can make its own connections. Now I just have find a place to do that. Thank you again. P.
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or that last line could be the wind roared in. which i think would be better, SOAR/ing ROARed in.
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I married him with many joyful tears
thinking our love would never reach plateaus
I lived with him abiding ten long years
he standing on a mountain, I below.
to make it work i will try now though this is just going by how is ee it and i could be wrong
I married him with many joyful tears,
our love i thought, it would never be soaring,
I lived with him abiding ten long years,
he standing on a mountain; the wind roaring.
so soar and roar are the rhyme here
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LOL I think I'm even more confused. (Hair standing on end) Because after reading Vera’s response in her comments, what I thought is that the last syllable had to rhyme, but the rest didn't. For example - below - bestow - plateau – blow; would be feminine rhymes. But that there was some twist that I just wasn’t getting. Like maybe a one syllable word is always going to make it a masculine rhyme. That maybe - below - bestow – plateau are fine, but - blow - is out. Only when I tried to find more examples and less of the standard explanation I didn’t have much luck. It actually seemed that one site said it was the last syllable and another implied it was the first. Heck I can’t even find someone who’s an expert to ask “OK is this right?” “And if not, why not?” Plus I didn’t want to try to conform my poems to fit when I wasn’t 100% sure that I had it right. Before I read your response I was playing with my poem some (after reading some other poems and trying one more time to get this figured out) and I was wondering if changing the first stanza to:
I married him with many joyful tears
thinking our love would never reach plateaus
I lived with him abiding ten long years
he standing on a mountain, I below.
Would fix it. Leaving the syllable count issue out of the mix. The only problem is that even if that worked, I can’t figure out a way to fix the line
“His criticisms worse then any blow”
Without loosing much of the power.
“Expecting to his wishes I’d kowtow”
Just doesn’t really tell the whole story. So right there I’m totally lost unless I’ve over looked an obvious word that would work.
Oh well I don’t think it matters which way is right… It seems like if I tried to fix these enough to conform then I’d basically have to rewrite them. I’d be better off trying the form again when I have a more complete understanding of exactly what the rules are. Thank you for the information. Patti
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Hi my friend, please do not feel down, your sonnets are beautiful, Vera put the example of Franco's poem and I noticed the meter was different to other sonnet, she said he had devised this type of sonnet so I started checking what was different, and saw the meter was different and followed a pattern, the feminine ending can throw one , I have never used them before and probably mine has faults, I am sure the next one you try will knock our socks off, your sonnet is very natural and I liked both very much, we are all here to learn and the challenge can be stimulating, so cheer up you will do a great edit I am sure , all the best in the comp, you could win you know, hugs Di
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i picked the wrong verse in yourse then to use an a example
I married him with many joyful tears
Thinking that our love would only grow
I lived with him abiding ten long years
he always on a mountain, I below.
this is your first verse so
tears and years are correct -
below grow are not - growing would be fine but then you would need something to go grow sound for the last line.
he always on a mountain; flowing
that would work ok in your last line if your second line ended with growing also line one has ten syllables, line two 11 syllables
i (one) mar/ried (3) him (4) with (5) ma/ny (7) joy/ful (9) tears (10) sorry lol i am confusing myself here
the second line would hold 11 then the third 10 then the fourth 11.
the following verse you would start with 11 then the next line 10 then 11 again then 10
Edited on Oct 28, 5:00 p.m. because ''. -
reading your comment above i will try and explain as best i think it to be true with the rhyme, for example in mine:
Sweet delight fashioned itself on wise grace
which roared fiery love along a wind; BIT/INg,
birds I watched as they folded wings to pace
down towards honeyed laughter; grins flew RIGHT IN.
as far as i understand it it is first part of it rather than the last part of it that should ryhme. like grace and pace are the masculine biting and right/in are the feminine. yes?
in yours here:
I looked around the rooms of our estate
and wondered would this madness ever end
Then suddenly I felt a lifting weight
and heard the silky sounds of violins
estate is ok but weight isn't for it's one sound. create would be better to rhyme i think than weight.
i am not expert on this either, so... vera will explain it better than i can. i hope i have helped a little
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Thank you for your comments. I didn't actually skip the rules, I just really didn't get the whole feminine ending, thing. Yes I read and reread about 20 different things on how it works, but I still don’t really get it. I know that when I finally have a breakthrough and it dawns on my how it works, I’m going to think I’m a complete idiot for having this mental block. But that doesn’t help me with these. Nor do the simple explanations (with trite samples) that I keep getting from people when I try to figure out why my brain refuses to grasp the concept. They only serve to make me feel as incompetent as my ex husband did when I tried to learn something new and he patronized me if I asked for further clarification as to how or why something worked. Not that I mind constructive criticism mind you… it’s just that part of the reason I entered this contest was in the hope that someone could help me get past this dang block. Only I keep hearing “you failed” on that feminine rhyme thing or worse that I totally ignored the rules. I’m sorry if I sound a bit angry, but I’m just feeing dumber by the second. (insert scream of frustration) LOL OK I’m better now. Thanks for pointing out the meter problems. I will try to fix that. I did realize that my poems weren’t written in the meter of this example, but I didn’t see a rule that pertained to that. Maybe it was implied and I missed it. Oh well, better luck next time. Patti
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two great pieces here though they do not look quite right to me with the femine stresses. spill ink and twist me into the crazy shape of love...
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Hi Patricia, lovely to read these sonnets but you have a couple of hiccups, your metre on the first sonnet reads, 10-9-10-10.
10-10-10-10, 10-10-10, 10,10,10, in the second9-10-10-9, 10-10-10-10. 10-10-10. 10-10-10, to me the first line in second stanza is missing the word was, I have a feeling this is a typing error,Franco wrote the example poem in, 11-10-11-10. then reversed on second stanza to 10-11-10.11, he did the same in the tersets. also the feminine endings seem to have done a vanishing act, plus his rhyme scheme was different to yours, I have a feeling you skipped the rules on this one, you saw sonnet and did not read on, I learned the hard way to read all the rules,lol, I liked them very much as sonnets except for the hiccups, all the best in the comp, Di.
Edited on Oct 25, 3:44 p.m. because ''. -
You should purchase an EMPOWERED T-shirt. You have overcome a depressed state and are now free to fly. I am happy that you found the courage to let go.
Your sonnet sings to me.
I have a wonderful husband that probably should have let me go when I was going through my addiction but he stuck it out (maybe because he knew there was a better side to me). I am grateful he saw in me something I never saw in myself.
This is such an inspiration to read. I wish you the best in this difficult challenge. Excellent!
Much Love & Many Blessings ♥
Renee
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I applaud you not only for tackling this contest but for submitting some wonderful poetry as well! You took the ball and ran and the experiences were well described with a great ending. Glad you woke up! I can feel free to comment since I will not be entering this contest! joy
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These are a pair of poems that speak of empowerment, and makes me want to applaud, well done
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