I lay alone at night
Cold, wet, scared, depressed
Wishing to leave this world
Laying there, someone came
A beautiful and majestic woman
Exquisite in her stride
Gracefully, she spoke to me
Stood at her bidding, we strolled.
Hours upon hours we walked
Time faded away as we talked
Only her and I was I aware of
Her splendor, intoxicating
Her elegance, perfect in it's scent
Her presence, warmed my cold heart
I became infatuated, obsessed with her
She, in turn, seemed to have fallen for me.
To her, I told that if I were to die
In her arms is where I'd wish my last breaths
She smiled and pulled me in close
Smiling in return, for my life seemed good
Leaning in to her as she leaned into me.
A kiss, a simple kiss
Looking into her eyes as they hollowed out
Frightened once again
Then knowledge revealed and peace came to me
As I lay lifeless in her arms.
All from a simple kiss
A kiss from Death
Author notes
Death's kiss can bring many "peace". hope y'all like it ^^
Written August 29th, 2006
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Comments
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well done. I am not sure it is one of your best. But I do like it. Keep on writing.
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wonderful....
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Yes and Death's kiss can come in many forms. From death itself or from that of a freind deserting another friend. To many times this has happened especially when someone trusts someone else completely to have them turn their backs on them. I have seen that happen too. Usually men do it. This was a very sweet write. You did a good job on it. I look forward to reading more
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Superb
A very fine write, indeed. You have expressed your thoughts quite well. Thanks for sharing this one with us. -
Beautifully written dark and real... I enjoyed reading this poem. Thanks much. Keep up the great work. Look forward to reading more.
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Well I enjoyed reading this. I like how you made it seem so real. Like you have been there before. Have you? Thank you for sharing. In Love & Light... Blessed Be! ~~Iridessa MoonFlower~~
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Wow.. this is amazing. Beautiful and dark all in one write. Cleaver
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woh. This is dark but oh so sad and beautiful. It gives me a sort of shock to read the last few lines - all the time that woman, who he thought was curing him, was Death. . . oh. . .
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didn't expect that ending, did you?
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nope. . .
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A magnifiscent write that told a wonderful tale of many emotions that were all lost to a kiss. You certainly know how to spin a story and this one really did send out a lot of images of you and this lovely lady walking hand in hand wherever you were. A kiss from death, a lovely last line to finish of what i would say is a remarkable piece of work. A poem from long ago but it stilll hasn't lost its magic. Well done.
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That was so profound, I wish to read it forever! It's like a poem AND a story. One to tell indeed. That story was like. . .it was just amazing. You know how, when you do something kind of hard, like a puzzle. And how you're trying to find all the pieces and until you find all the pieces you're wanting to keep doing it. But when you find the all the pieces that fit right and you put them all in, you feel happy and victorious. Reading that was like that, you know. You just read it til the end and then it all makes sense.
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You have a beautiful way with words, it invokes envy ^_^
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Oh.. what a unexpected ending! What a wonderful storyteller you are!!! I really loved this piece.. it flowed so well.. and you gave it a little twist in a way with the ending.. I greatly enjoyed this!
Angel
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The kiss of death, there are times when I look for death for that kiss.
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Interesting and very beautiful. I like your other poem better, but both poems are very good and well worth the time to read. I give it a 6 out of 10
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I think you did an excellent job! Thanks for editing!
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Thank you for pointing them out. I have fixed the spelling errors and i believe i fixed the tense of the poem as well as the descriptive words... (though i'm not sure as it is 2:30 am and i'm not awake... lol)
thank you for having a great contest
-(Dark Raven, the bard) -
Hello Darek, and welcome to the contest! You have a great piece here that exquisitely captures the theme of this contest. I like that death is personified as female - very untraditional. A few suggestions: In lines 5, 14, and 15 "majestic", "presence", and "infatuated" are misspelled. Also, your tense changes several times within the poem - make sure they are consistent within your story. Finally, you repeat several of your descriptive words - I believe you could strengthen this by finding a new word instead of repeating. I especially love the turning point line: "Looking into her eyes as they hollowed out"! This piece definitely gave me the chills, thanks for entering and good luck!
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This is really good, love the imagery, love the gentle flow, you real the reader in the POW! The ending nails it and completely changed the whole tone of the piece. Well done, just awsome
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Wow, this is really good. I don't know how to describe it...its beyond words
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brill
I iike this ! And Deaths kiss is a great subject for this poem and i think that you portrayed it really well.
I love the emotion
I love the language
i love the environment you have put in her as well
i love the way it is eay and enjoyable to read
and i love he way that while it is morbid it also isnt!
great write
Laura
xx
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