Is Love Worth It?

I always avoided having a relationship.  I always thought being in love sucked.  All around me, people were falling in love and some time later I would hear about how bad things went and how painful things got.  I figured that love just wasn’t worth it.  Then it happened, the unexpected.  I fell head first, more like crashing to the ground, in love.  I don’t know how it happened.  One minute I had a huge crush on this guy, and the next…we’re making out in his bed and I don’t want to stop kissing him because I’m not sure if this is just a one night fling or if it will turn into something more.  To my delight, it turned into something more.  It turned into an amazing experience.  I loved being with him and spending time with him.  It was so great in the beginning.  It was the best time in the world.  We were just a couple of kids having fun enjoying each others company.  The more the relationship progressed, the more problems arose.  The more problems arose, the more strain there was on the relationship.  It turned out that my idea of love was very different from his idea of love.  I guess you could say that’s where the problem started.  Things haven’t been the same since.  

It was a slow start.  In the beginning I figured I didn’t have a chance.  I could never think of anything to talk to him about.  I found myself making up excuses to go in his room and talk to him.  Whether it was asking him to play a video game or if I could keep my stuff in his room.  Before I started sleeping at the house, I would love to go home because that was my time to talk to him over the internet one on one.  I know it sounds silly, but I find I can be much more open over the internet.  We began to talk almost every night.  The nights I would sleep over, he would invite me to sleep in the bed with him, but me being me I said no.  Then one night I sucked it up and slept in the bed with him.  I know what you’re thinking, but nothing happened.  The next day before I went to classes, I put up an away message that read, “I need a cuddle buddy.” secretly hoping John would respond. When I came back, I saw a message from John, he had offered to be my cuddle buddy!  The next night I slept over, still nothing.  Although we did cuddle!  Every time I would move or turn he would tighten his grip around me.  By the end, I found myself moving just for the hell of it.  I really enjoyed having his strong arms around me tightening as I moved.  That morning I went to school and when I was done, I went back over to the house.  That night, again, I slept with him.  That’s when it started.  We were all touchy feely to each other, and after a while, we started kissing.  It was the best feeling ever.  I felt like I was going to explode.  That night, all we did was kiss.  He was perfect.  He didn’t rush me or anything.  We slowly went further and further.  Then one night I asked, “do you have any condoms.”  His answer was, “no”.  This confused me, up until this point in my life, (18 years old)  I had always thought that guys had a drawer full of condoms.  You know, that’s how it is in tv and stuff.  Then he remembered he did have one.  He put it on and we got ready to start.  After a minute or two he realized he had put the condom on backwards.  The next day, he bought some condoms.  Now, keep in mind he hadn’t had sex in about two years before this.  So he put on the condom and we got started.  It hurt soooo much.  Girls say it only hurts a little bit for a little while.  Oh my god!  It was sooo painful.  He didn’t last very long.  Only a couple of minutes.  By the end, he apologized for being so short.  I replied, “it’s okay,” meaning thank god.  I don’t know how much more of that I would have been able to handle.  The more we did it, the better it felt.  Now sex is fun.  It took a while, but it doesn’t hurt anymore.  PS it really helps if you wrap your legs around the guy, it helps with the pain.

Once our relationship got started, it took off like a rocket.  I started sleeping with him every night.  I would wake up early to catch the bus to school, go to classes, study, and then go back to the house where I knew I would run into my cutie.  Oh man, he was soo cute.  I just looked at him and wanted him right there and then.  Unfortunately, I don’t think he operated like that.  He wouldn’t really leave with me to go and fool around.  He liked hanging out with his friends, not that I didn’t.  I just wanted to spend more time with him.  I thought about being more aggressive, but then I shot myself down thinking he wouldn’t really dig it.  So I never was very aggressive, and neither was he.  No matter how much I’d wish for him to be more aggressive, it never happened.  That probably happened because 1, he was naturally very calm and relaxed, and 2, I never said anything out loud.  I would always wish for him to be more aggressive in my head.  A lot of good that did!  It didn’t take very long to realize I was falling in love.  He became one of the most important things in my life.  We had a conversation one time, and I said, “You’re not the only good thing in my life, but you are one of the best things.”  I meant it.  One morning, when I was leaving to go to school, I gave him a kiss and almost let the words slip out, “I love you.”  That night, I asked him, “On a scale of one to ten, one being not at all and ten being love, how do you feel about me.”  He said ten but he didn’t want to say it’s love, he didn’t want to jinx anything.  Then he asked me and I told him that that morning the words I love you almost slipped out of my mouth.  Like I said earlier, I think that’s where things started to turn.  The reason for that being his idea of love and my idea of love were very very different.  For him, love wasn’t something that required people to be together.  For me, love meant that people would want to be together and spend an enormous amount of time with each other.  For me, love is that special emotion which can withstand anything.  For him, love is just another emotion.

Things started to get really cloudy.  You see, before I got into the relationship, I knew full well that John was supposed to move to North Carolina come the school year (I spent the summer with him).  But I thought that maybe if I get him to love me enough, he might want to stay.  It’s what I hoped.  We went to North Carolina together, to see his brother.  It was a really fun time.  It was the only time I had him to myself, and even then I had to share him with his brother.  During our relationship I didn’t have many times when it was just him and me.  North Carolina was the closest I ever got.  Anyway, from Albany to North Carolina was 12 hours.  It was on the way back, that things stopped turning and began to take a dive.  It was on the way home that I actually asked him if he was definitely going to North Carolina, which meant that my hopes for him staying just for me were crushed.  We talked and I found out that he was going to go to North Carolina no matter what.  For the next few weeks, maybe even months, I cried almost every day at the thought of him leaving.  At first I suggested moving to North Carolina with him.  I was ready to do that.  But I could tell he didn’t really want that, which made me really sad.  Me being sad all the time made him sad.  We had a talk and I found out the reasons why he didn’t want me going to North Carolina with him.  He needed that time to find himself and really work his issues out, which he felt he could not do if me or any of his friends were around.  His problem was that he always put other people before him and he didn’t really talk about his feelings, which made our relationship very hard, especially for me.  Another thing that made our relationship very hard was the fact that I had developed a dependence on him.  I have an attachment disorder problem.  It shouldn’t have surprised me when I realized that I was more than in love with him, I was seriously and unhealthily attached to him.  One of the big problems about that was that he knew it.  He’s the kind of guy that doesn’t like to be tied down and really just wants to have a good time all the time.  If something he’s thinking about makes him sad, he’ll think about something else.  It’s what he does and is how he works.  

Throughout this relationship there were times when I felt unimportant and like I didn’t matter to him.  I felt like everyone was more important to him than I was.  That killed me.  Come to think about it, a lot of things about this relationship killed me inside.  Along with being so happy that I was with this guy, I think the relationship was slowly killing me.  As happy as it made me, I think I was always just a little bit more depressed than I was happy.  That’s probably a bit of an exaggeration.  I love John and want to be with him.  Yea, I get sad sometimes, but those times when we’re both happy and enjoying each others company makes everything okay and makes it all worth it.  Our relationship didn’t always have so many depressing aspects to it, but after North Carolina it did.  It was hard on me and that made it hard on John.  I would do anything to be able to go back to that time when I asked him about North Carolina and stop myself.  But maybe it was a good thing, it got me started early on getting prepared for the day when he would in fact leave putting an end on our relationship.  Things went on and we had a couple of conversations about me being dependent on him.  I would always try and convince him to stay, but to this day, nothing ever worked.  Then things changed when I got a job.  I was so excited about it in the beginning, and he was happy that I was so excited.  It helped to decrease the attachment.  Then I got a second job and ended up working 12 hours a day so the only time I got to see him was on weekends and at 10 during the week.  I think this really helped quite a bit, or at least it helped me to hide it.  There were still incidents here and there that showed I wasn’t getting any better.  It came down to me knowing that when the day came that we did break up, my heart would be shattered and he would move away and start a new life that didn’t involve me.  Which is very good for him, I know it needs and should happen, no matter how much I hate it.  

Currently, we are still together.  I think we’re hanging on by a thread.  The last talk we had was two days ago.  We got into a fight at a concert one night.  The next day I tried to talk to him about it and he said, “We’ll talk about it later. I’m reading an article right now.”  That was fine with me.  Later that night, I asked him if he was ready to talk, and he responded, “I’m kind of drunk.”  I ran upstairs, had a little temper tantrum, and pulled myself together.  I haven’t felt like I was going crazy in such a long time, but that night, I cracked.  I know it, and he still doesn’t.  I don’t think he knows how much this relationship is affecting my life.  It hurts so much sometimes, and there’s nothing I can do about it.  But anyway, after I had my little temper tantrum I went back downstairs and told John we need to talk.  He put out his cigarette and followed me inside.  I asked him why he got drunk when he knew we were supposed to talk.  All he did was apologize.  He told me he was doing a lot of thinking about himself.  I asked him if he wanted to stay together.  He said sometimes he did and sometimes he didn’t.  So I ended the night by saying, “so we’ll talk when you get home tomorrow?,” and he said, “yes.”  When that day came around, we never talked.  We acted like everything was fine and then bed came around.  We didn’t cuddle.  I wasn’t sure if I should touch him or not, so I didn’t.  Now, I’m sitting typing this in my room not sure about when we are going to end.  Actually, it feels like we’re already over.  

Before we got together he drank a lot.  When we got together he stopped drinking.  Now, he drinks more than he used to.  Sometimes I feel like this relationship was a mistake because of all the things that went wrong.  But I keep remembering all of the amazing feelings I felt and the amazing times I had.  I’m not sure if he thought they were amazing too, but I sure did.  I don’t think this relationship was the same thing to him as it was to me.  I think when one person is more into the other, it shifts the balance of the relationship.  This is where all our problems started.  But like I said, as of this point, it doesn’t feel like we’re still together.  I’m not sure what’s going to happen or where things are going to go.  The ball is in his court and I’m just waiting for him to make a move.  Knowing him, that might not be for a while.  If he does end it, it will be a lot harder than if he had ended it when he left.  Why is that?  Because if he ends it in the next couple of days, I will have to deal with seeing him every day.  Honestly, I’m not sure I will survive that.  At least when he moves, I wont have to deal with seeing him every day.  God help me.  I’m going to need all the strength I can get.  Either way, I’m in for a big hurt.  Huh, this is the reason I always avoided relationships.  The only thing I would change about this relationship is when I got too attached to him.  That is what will ultimately kill our relationship.  When it comes down to it, the reason our relationship went down the tubes is all my fault.  This isn’t anything new, I just wish I could learn from my mistakes.  And as far as the rest of our relationship goes, all I can say is….to be continued.

PS, everything that I have just written is entirely from my perspective.  I do not know if John would completely agree with this.  But the things that he said in this are true.


To bring you up to date a bit, we still haven’t talked.  I suppose the lack of talking means he wants to be with me.  At this point, I’m not sure I wan to be with him.  It’s just not the same as it used to be.  I think I’ve been obviously upset lately and he hasn’t even asked me about it.  Maybe he doesn’t care.  That’s not the reason I am thinking about ending it.  I am thinking about ending it because I feel that the downs of this relationship are more numerous than the good.  I don’t want to make him sad.  Like I said earlier, he has been drinking more recently.  I don’t want to be the reason for that.  I don’t want to have anything to do with the reason for him drinking.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still love him with all my heart, but is love really enough?   Is love enough to negate all the things wrong with our relationship?  I mean, I think it’s obvious that things are a little rocky when one of the people is feeling like they have to convince their partner to have sex with them.   I’m just not sure right now is the the best time to break up.  I mean we both live in the same house and see each other all the time.  Breaking up right now just seems like it would be really really hard.  I’m sure there are people out there who know just how hard it is to break up with the person of their dreams and have to deal with seeing them on a day to day basis.  I can’t even imagine how hard it would be.  Unfortunately, lately I’ve been trying to imagine it.  Maybe I’m trying to prepare myself for my first real heartbreak.  I don’t know, maybe I’m reading this all wrong.  Maybe breaking up with him would do more harm that it would good.  Trying to figure this out is so hard when all I have to go on are my own feelings.  He doesn’t really give much input.  I wish he would, it would make things so much easier.  I really don’t have much of an idea about how he feels right now.  God damn it!  Why is love so hard?  I mean, is love really worth it?  Is love worth all this pain and heartache?  Well, I guess right now I can answer my own question, and the answer is absolutely.  If it weren’t I would have broken up with him months ago.  Lizzie, there you go, you have your answer.  I guess the only thing I can do now is wait.  Wait for the inevitable painful breakup that I know is coming, maybe sooner than I hoped.  Wish me luck.  The rest is to be continued, again, and hopefully only one more time.  Hopefully the next part of this story is the breakup when he moves to North Carolina.  That would be the ideal end to this absolutely amazing journey.  All I can say now is I’ll let you know when it happens.  So…goodnight and sweet dreams.

Well, this is the last part of this relationship.  It happened.  He broke up with me.  I approached him and said, “So does your lack of talking mean you want to stay together?”  He said we’ll talk when he gets out of the shower.  When he got out, we went into his room and he said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now.  It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but it was still pretty bad.  I didn’t cry as much as I thought I would.  I just feel really bad right now.  I can’t explain it, but I feel physically empty, like I have nothing inside of me.  I feel like a empty box.  I can’t believe this.  My eyes kind of hurt from crying.  I really don’t know what to do with myself now.  Before I got into this relationship, I kept myself in my room studying all day.  It’s a good thing school is starting soon, I’ll be able to keep myself busy.  He still doesn’t know when he’s leaving so I’m going to have to see him on a day to day basis, which is what I really hoped wouldn’t happen.  I guess I’m just lucky.  Broken up with and fired all in one week.  I’m on a roll.  It just hurts so much.  I knew we weren’t going to be together forever, but I really hoped we would have stayed together until he left.  He said he has started to resent the relationship.  So in that respect, it’s a good thing we broke up.  I don’t really know what else to say right now.  Hopefully this empty feeling will go away soon.  It’s almost like it physically hurts, which is really weird.  He said he hoped we could still be friends, I think some of the time I will be able to do that.  Other times I think I’ll cry when I see him.  I just really need things to get better fast.  The sooner the better.  I’m kind of asking myself was this relationship really worth it.  It might seem like it wasn’t right now, but I think when everything heals I will realize it definitely was.  It was a good time and I learned a lot.  Overall, I’m sure it was worth it, even if I may not feel that way right now.  Anyway, it’s over now and I just have to deal with it.  I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to do that, but I have friends and family who love me and I’m sure they’ll help me through it.  I think that’s the most optimistic view I’m capable of right now.  

It’s kind of weird feeling so empty again.  I guess I’m going to have to get used to helping myself again.  I never was very good at being happy with just myself.  As a matter of fact, I really hate it.  Well…I guess now is as good a time as any to learn how.

The End