The white mug
Is presented to me like a trophy
Here is a representation of my love
I, like a gallant solider have braved the screaming children,
The tired businessmen, the arty, angst filled teens,
And returned with this treasure,
Like King Arthur with his grail.
Except,
You have brought me this trophy, topped with a mountain of cream
Sprinkled on top,
Cinnamon.
Its spicy smell a reminder
This brown snow covering the white mountain
A reminder of how little you know.
This is not what I wanted.
Author notes
I am so pleased with this poem!!!! Which is an odd thing for me to say!! The only thing bothering me is the last line!! What does you think???
Written August 22nd, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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hey, its been a while! so thought id pop on n check out sme of your new poetry and i came accross this one which i love...its brought up alot of imagery for me, a moment i was sat in starbucks with my hot chocolate that i always pile on the cinnamon, then i was sat watching the world go by from the "The tired businessmen, the arty, angst filled teens
2 that was such a great line because the imagery, even though it wouldn't seem much, gives off quite alot...as if a busy world is going past (like ont he films) and you're just sat there with your hot drink and cinnamon scent. i also quite like the ending, the last stanza spicy makes me think even though it is a spice...it also enphasises the fact u didnt want it, because spice gives an almost strong image off, if that makes any sense hehe. and then ending, althought quite abrupt with a reminder of how little you know, this is not what i wanted...it links into the busy lifestyle imagery that was given off previous to this with the tired buisnessmen, how the people just want to get it over with asap. which is reflected int he poem...and even though i've babbled there and half of that probably wont make much sense....i liekd the poem thought it was really good
xxxxx steph
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Thanks for a very kind comment!!!
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I agree with pozo, some great imagery in there, I could almost taste it. As for the last line, I don't think there's anything missing from it that needs to be there, and it doesn't take anything away. It's fine, in my opinion
Well written.
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Thanks for the comment!!!! Yes I felt the last line was too simple, but I can't think of an alternative lol!!
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The last line seems quite simplistic, not sure if this is good to you or bad. Great imagery here. Keep writing, this was a very deep well written poem
All the best
Pozo
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