Mystery the moon
A whole in sky
A supernatural night light
So full but often right
A pair of eyes
Closing One
A chosen child
A great present
To the golden sun
A marble dog
That chases cars
To the farthest
Reaches of the beach
And far beyond
Into the swimming
Sea of, Stars
The Cosmic fish
They love to kiss
No rifts
no reservations
If they should fall
You'd get a wish
Or dedication
May I suggest you get the best
For nothing less
Than you and I
Lets take a chance
As this romance
Is rising up
Before we lose
The lightning
Oh Bella Bella
Please
You Bella Luna
I love you
So do what you do
Your an Illuminating anchor
A lead to infinite number
Crashing waves, breaking thunder
Tiding the ever flow of wonder
You beautiful, beautiful Luna
You're dancing naked
There for me
You expose all memory
You make the most
Of boundary
You make the most
Of you and me
Bella Bella Luna
Please do what you do
You're going around me
Intertwining like a ring
Around the finger
Of a girl
I'm just a singer
You're the world
All I can bring you
Is my language of love
Bella Luna
My beautiful moon
Oh, how you swoon me
Like no other
May I suggest
You get the best
Of your wish
Or a gift
For tiny you
Or smaller I
Larger chance
On the rise
That we'll get to
The brink of our lives
Bella Please
Do what you do
Bella Luna
My beautiful moon
How you swoon me
Like no other
Your dancing naked
There for me
You expose
All memory
You make the most
Of boundary
Oh Bella Bella
Please, Just
Do what you do------
A pair of eyes
Closing One
A chosen child
A great present
To the golden sun
A marble dog
That chases cars
To the farthest
Reaches of the beach
And far beyond
Into the swimming
Sea of, Stars
(fade out)
Author notes
I'm going to give this to my girlfriend's b-day, she nows, i showed her my first draft, and actually this is what i have after 4 drafts, so if u can give me any suggestions for an ending because it just doesn't go out with its full potential, i know it could be better
But i need it before Sep 1, that would be really nice
Please and Thank You!
BTW: Our pet names for each other is...
her: Luna
me: Sol
PHANTOM OF DESPAIR
In a list
A contest entry
- Turn It Up....Music, Music. Music by Asdzaa Nadleehe.
1100 points, ended September 8, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - POEMS AND LYRICS ONLY by crystallynnbradford.
365 points, ended September 18, 2007, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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Beautiful
-
i love this
-
Every thing about this is simply beautiful...and I adore the dedication...
Thank you for this entry..
It is truly unique..
Peace
~A~ -
one more thing... haha -- retouch from a long time ago. "A whole in sky" do you mean... a hollow space? then it would be "hole" not "whole" I STILL love this poem!
-
GOOD JOB!!!!! GOOD LUCK!!!!!
Unique and original.....
I hope she likes it....
muy buen trabajo, continua escribiendo, y veras que todo te sale bien.....
Be blessed with love and light always.....
AngelicMistress
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thank you
-
Congratulations on your place in this contest
Gaylene
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thank you, you'll be my first win, my only trophy is a bronze, and i was the 3rd and final entry, so he had to chose me for that. Anyways, its great to see that it may be far beyond the date and its still making people feel good.
do you see all the metaphores, cause people often don't catch all of them? -
love the poem great dedication to the person you love good luck in my contest. you might just win i have no seen any one as good as you just yet but keep praying you just might win. keep writing i want to read more keep puting fellings in your poems. good luck!
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wat i was going for, thank you for enjoying it!
and do you have anything to make it better, other than simpler
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srry no i don't, but does it have nice flow...
things like that -
good
Astounding imagery, so very descriptive. I was confused in areas but for me it has to be very obvious, lol, sorry. but I did enjoy reading it. it flowed well and had a kind of dreamy quality. -
This seems like it is a song. Is it? Do you have a website where we can hear the melody with it?
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i keep forgetting to correct that, me correct it now, thanx for reminding me
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how romantic! a nice poem - wonderful imagery and word choices. the flow is great ... i'm sure your GF will be pleased with this. i think the ending you have decided upon will improve this ... as will correcting the minor grammar mistake of your/you're.
love this part:
"our dancing naked
There for me
You expose
All memory
You make the most
Of boundary"
a great write. -
yeah!, it only took 24 opinions to get it to this point, glad the effort was not in vein
-
oh, i think i like the ending much more now. it's so entrancing. you've got it now, i think.
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Bellisimo
Bella luna= Beautiful moon, great write, very beautiful poem, loved it...wery good imaginary,
take care,
Sarah -
the boundary part in the last stanza confuses me, but i s'pose it makes sense in your poem. i like it, i see alot of love, very sweet and kind of you. so yea good luck
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i like that
but the second stanza, doesn't sound good alone, like you can't have that as an ending, i've tried (i'm going to be doing this on guitar cause its compassionate when sung but "orgasmic", as one of my friends said, when accompanyed by guitar; she claimed i gave her an orgasm singing it)
Anyway, i was thinking, of repeating the 2nd and 3rd stanzas at the end, how that sound? -
Hmm... it's kind of hard. You want a sweet end or a passionate one? I think that it would sound awesome to repeat your second stanza at the end. It seems as if it would tie it all together well. That's the only part to me that would seem to fit there. I'd write more on it but it's your poem
Edited on Aug 23, 5:17 p.m. because ''. -
i'll change that all at the same time, the day before i give it to her
and another person, forgets to give a suggestion for the last stanza, give suggestion...
plz and ty -
I don't know if grammar is important to you in this but you did make one frequent mistake.
"Your dancing naked
There for me
----------------------------
Your going around me
Intertwining like a ring"
"your" should be "You're" because you're say you ARE --not saying your as a possesive thing.
Otherwise, your flow is awesome. I love your word usage, and it's beautifully written. I'm sure your girlfriend would be happy with anything, and seeing as you've put so much work into this poem, she'll be especially pleased.
Very nice job, keep writing hun!
Mech
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this was very good,great job and good luck in my contest
-
esque, it means......ish like, almost as if it were like that. i guess. ha.
so this is for that girl, huh? lovely. i suppose it is a tad bit too much for me to know, the whole dancing naked part, but i humored it. ha.
i really don't know what to say about the end. i'm no good at this stuff, i just felt the end to be sort of.....uhh.....
anywho, i'm sure you'll make it sound lovely. you always do in the end.
it does seem like a fairy's story. so, you made that goal.
let me know when you've made some changes!
goodolenad. -
i litterally don't know the meaning of "esque", i can't exactly fall in love with the ending either, that's why i'm asking for help, I'm a romantic guy but i have limits to my intellegence...
The dancing part, that's actually the chourus, but i didn't know how far to go with it at the end
And basicly it is a memory, this is for the girl that i almost got pregnant, i'm still with her, i still love her. And she actually surprised me one day, by sneaking into my house (i was expecting her to visit later) and she put on romantic music, and striped down, and was dancing for me
(tell me if that was too much info....)
actually i was just asking for girls to be the critics
the reason it seems like forever is because it usually takes me a good month to get my feelings into words, as i do it in regular handwriting first for my first 4 drafts, usually there's 10-20 drafts, but i don't have time for that
fairy part... i honestly don't know what made u think that, but i did want it to seem magical so,
-
i have to say, magical and fairy-esque as the end may sound, for some reason, i can't seem to fall in love with the ending. the dancing naked part, it sounds too overdone. on its own, it sounds wonderful. you make her out to be magical. the entire thing makes her to be a fairy of some sort, but the middle and the end, it almost sounds as if you're talking about two different people.
i mean, in the middle, when you speak of her dancing, ti soudns natural, but at the end, it seems almost forced. i don't know. almost like a memory you've brought to the surface again.
but, besides the fact that you've asked for the reader to be a harsh critic, i must say, this would make me swoon if i was your bella luna. bravo! i'm positive any girl would love you all the more for a song like this.
wonderful!
by the way, it seems like forever since i read something of yours.
Edited on Aug 21, 6:15 p.m. because 'forgot something'.
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