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The Wedding

********************

THE WEDDING

(THE ALMOST-MARRIAGE OF BARBIE-BRIDE AND EX/GROOM)


********************


CAST OF CHARACTERS:

BARBIE-BRIDE:  Me

EX/GROOM: A Ken HeMale-Type--(NOT)

MINISTER: Ummm, Jerry Falwell???

BRIDESMAID #1: My AP Daughter TarnishedHeart/Chauna

BRIDESMAID #2: My AP Daughter QueenT/Tamara

BRIDESMAID #3: My AP Daughter LostAndForgotten/Sky

FLOWER-GIRL: My AP Little Sister SuperGirl45817/Sara

MAMA: Ex/Groom's Mom and Barbie-Bride's Big-Bigger-Biggest You-Know-What!


SCENE:

In an Elvis-Presley pink limo-type vehicle somewhere en-route between here and Hicklands, Arkansas, USA.


TIME:
Already some nine-years too late.


********************


MINISTER: Are you sure about these directions, EX/Groom? These dirt backroads we've been driving for hours are "as the road to hell"--(Revelations 1:23).


EX/GROOM: Oh yes, yes Minister. The little chapel is just yonder Mt. Nebo, the All-The-Porcupine-You-Can-Eat Buffet, the Booze-It Bar and Roadkill Grill and the No-Tell Motel some 500-miles after reaching the Arkansas stateline.

BRIDEMAIDS #1, #2, #3--(In Unison): Porcupine--YUCK! Booze--YAY! Ummm, what's a No-Tell Motel???


FLOWER-GIRL: My flower-girl bouquet is wilting...


BARBIE-BRIDE: So much for dandelion-weed bouquets...


MAMA: And just what's meant by that snooty remark, Missy??? Those dandelion-weeds are from my well-tended garden I'll have you know, Missy!


EX/GROOM: hehehe...You'll have to be referring to her as "Mrs. Missy" after the ceremony, Mama.


(Minister drives on concentrating on the pot-holed dirt road ahead, Mama glares into the rearview mirror, Barbie-Bride glows, Flower-Girl plucks petals off the dandelion bouquet, Bridesmaids #1, #2, #3 giggle No-Tell Motel stuff, EX/Groom wiggles in his seat needing to go to the bathroom and the pink limo PUTT-PUTT-PUTTS to a dead-stop on the dirt road).


BARBIE-BRIDE: Oh, EX/Groom, why didn't we fill-up at that last gas station 500-miles back? You said we'd have plenty of gas to get there!


MINISTER: "The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away."--(Revelations 4:56).


MAMA: Well, we've got enough of us here to push. Since I've this-here heart condition, I'll take over the wheel and Sonny--EX/Groom, you stay right here and direct me. Rest of y'all--GET OUT AND PUSH!


BRIDESMAIDS #1, #2, #3--(In Unison): PUSH??? Oh Barbie-Bride, why not just get married right here?


BARBIE-BRIDE: Seems feasible to me, so I say let's go for it.

BRIDESMAIDS #1, #2, #3, FLOWER GIRL, MINISTER AND EX/GROOM--(In Unison):




(So they all take their places in the wedding procession off the side of the dirt road--(After EX/Groom makes a pit-stop into the woods, of course). They all sing "Here Comes The Bride" aloud and the wedding ceremony begins.)


MINISTER: "Friends, Romans, Countrymen...Lend me your ears,"--(Romans 0:00...OOPS, that's Julius Caesar/Shakespeare!). Well, anyway, we are gathered here together...Blah-Blah-Blah-Blah-Blah...

(Surprisingly, Mama is amazingly quiet during the "speak now or forever keep your peace" part.)


EX/GROOM: Oh, I do, I do, I do! A Ka-Zillion times I DO!


BARBIE-BRIDE: So now it's my turn? Well, ummm...


(A sudden flash of lightening, a rumble of thunder and first drops of rain begin to fall...)


MINISTER: "And thou shall prepareth an Ark for these 40-days and 40-nights that willest follow..."--(Moses 7:89).


TO BE CONTINUED...


OR


THE END


********************


OUR ALMOST-WEDDING ALBUM:




BARBIE-BRIDE

(FOLLOWING THE RAIN-DELAY)




EX/GROOM
(WITH THE WIGGLE)




EX/GROOM
(UMMM...NO MORE WIGGLE!)


THE BRIDESMAIDS



FLOWER-GIRL




THE LIMO, OR...


THE LIMO, OR...



THE LIMO
(AND THE 500-MILES-OUTSIDE-OF-ARKANSAS STATE POLICE CHASE!)



AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...


MAMA

********************

SPECIAL THANKS...


TO ALL THOSE WHO SACRIFICED THEIR TIME, TALENTS, REPUTATIONS AND RESPECTIVE "LICENSES" OUTSIDE OF THE REQUIRED SCREEN ACTOR'S GUILD LICENSE FOR THIS ALMOST-WEDDING PRODUCTION:

EX/GROOM--HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE/PRE-POLICE CHASE

MINISTER--HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE/POST-POLICE CHASE

BARBIE-BRIDE--HER POETIC LICENSE

STATE OF ARKANSAS--AN UNUSED MARRIAGE LICENSE!

********************

(8/20/06)

Author notes

I hope you don't mind that this wasn't written as a poem, Angel. In fact, it was written for a contest which was closed down for lack of entries last summer, so it never got anywhere beyond that closed-down contest...

I only realized coming to this post tonight that some of the images had slipped away during the AP upgrade process. I'll try finding them in the My Pictures file again and re-posting well-before contest-end--(Hoping I can remember which images they all were, but all for Mama-in-Law escapes my memory right now)!

ENJOY THE CONTEST!!!
Written August 20th, 2006

In a list

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Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • angelfruitcake
    January 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I loved it, it was different but i loved it, good luck on the contest


    • NoWayJo
      January 2, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you, Angel! There is a little itty-bitty basis of truth in it all, though Mama and the bridesmaids were never there!

      Enjoy the contest!

      Jo


  • NoWayJo
    August 25, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    oh Tamara...My FAVORITE "Bridesmaid"--(But you already know I'll have to refer to the other two bridesmaids and little flower-girl too as my FAVORITES)! Seems the contest-host had to close the contest down early as I was the only one who posted an entry. She passed along a consolation prize of 150 points which I'll split between you and Chauna/TarnishedHeart. It seems I can't locate the other bridesmaid, Lost and Forgotten AGAIN and the little flower-girl hasn't been on AP since her family moved out-of-state this past month. Anyway, I'll split this prize between you and Chauna and when the other two re-appear I'll make good by them as well.

    Thanks for allowing me to use your AP name in the fun of this write!

    Jo


  • NoWayJo
    August 25, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    oh Chauna...My FAVORITE "Bridesmaid"--(But you already know I'll have to refer to the other two bridesmaids and little flower-girl too as my FAVORITES)! Seems the contest-host had to close the contest down early as I was the only one who posted an entry. She passed along a consolation prize of 150 points which I'll split between you and Tamara/QueenT. It seems I can't locate the other bridesmaid, Lost and Forgotten AGAIN and the little flower-girl hasn't been on AP since her family moved out-of-state this past month. Anyway, I'll split this prize between you and Tamara and when the other two re-appear I'll make good by them as well.

    Thanks for allowing me to use your AP name in the fun of this write!

    Jo


  • QueenT
    August 21, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    This was fun fun funny! I really enjoyed it, I'm glad I could be part of what sounds like an eventful wedding lol. Awesome write. Mara


  • tarnishedheart
    August 21, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Awesome, that was funny, written in a way that only you can write something like that!!
    Awesome!


  • NoWayJo
    August 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I think the only problem with this script becoming a real production is getting Mother Nature's lightening and thunder to act on cue, Andi, otherwise Barbie-Bride would be doomed!

    It was a lot of fun writing up, and I appreciate your comments!

    Jo


  • NoWayJo
    August 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I think it would be too funny if I came back in comments to tell you I was typing this message from my double-wide trailer in Dumpsville, Arkansas, Gal, but as it is his Mama wouldn't even lend us money for a tent in her backyard!

    Fun contest theme, and I love when I can overload on the images. It's true what they say about pictures/1000's of words!

    Jo


  • NoWayJo
    August 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I just click-up these little quirky images when I see them thinking SOMEDAY they'll come in handy for a post here at AP, Michelle, and I guess that day was today.

    As it is though, I've actually used a few of these on AP posts before, including the scrawny pee-guy. You believe someone had commented once--(He/Commenter knows who he is!) that the scrawny pee-guy must be pretty well-endowed since he uses both hands! Truly, I had never considered how many hands it takes a guy to pee before!

    and scrolling back, I just noticed your first comment left me here! You're too much, Girl and I love the way your imagination just reads so much more fun into EVERYTHING! So, ummm...GI Joe's got a BIG gun, you say???

    Jo


  • heartnsoul
    August 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Ahhhhhh JO, you're on a roll girl!! Seems you and Gal are on similar wave lengths..I love the animations!! Is there a site just for them!!? I thought I would wet myself when I saw that scrawny guy whip it out!! Looks like a gold is on it's way.
    ~Michelle~


  • heartnsoul
    August 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    No fair!! Seems us Barbies are always getting the short end of the stick. Or in this case NO STICK.. yeah we may not have nipples but still Ken gets to put his hands on somthing! Ken, no nuts and pretzels. Useless I tell ya!! oh...wait, take a gander over there. Is that GI Joe!! At least he's got a pump action shot gun!!
    Oh...hey there big boy! Can I touch your.......gun! Ohhh its so long and .....hard.


  • parasol
    August 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    This would make such an amusing play. This was very well written, funny, and creative. I enjoyed reading it. Good luck in the contest.
    - Andi

  • Uriah Hamilton
    August 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Good

    This is so funny and cool!!!!!


  • galfalfa gold member
    August 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I've got a feelin thar's a happy ending right around da corner for dem folks. Mama the pig, will shell out some dough as a wedding present for a brand new hardly used mobile home in the best dang trailer park here bouts...123 Kraft Dinner Road, Dumpsville Arkansas.
    The 2nd limo looks like the Partridge Family bus
    Wait til they both undress and find they have no sexual parts - looks there's going to be a lot of dry humping...
    Loved this Jo - thanks for the laughs and for entering - perfect format too!

    galfalfa

  • surreal realist
    August 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    very, very, very clever and creative.


  • NoWayJo
    August 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    and why am I hearing this great BIG sigh of relief coming from you, Jackie, and you mumbling under your breath "Thank goodness she never wrote MY wedding vows!"

    Jo


  • Angel-Crestfallen
    August 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Well Done
    Love Jackie


  • NoWayJo
    August 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Depends on whether they be Arkansas in-laws or outlaws I suppose, Suseann...and I'm feeling mighty safe here in Joizey right now that y'all don't have musket-shot that'll fire this far!

    Jo

    P.S.: If anything good I know of the EX/Groom, it's his self-proclaimed "kissin' cousin!"


  • suseann
    August 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Ah um! I'll try not to take offense on behave of relatives I have from Arkansas.But this-n har poemy twer dang funny! Cept-n fer that thar part of 2 picktures.They'se not show-n up woman/I mean Missy Lady.~~Suseann kissin cuson to ther groom.

1 - 19 of 19