In the bloodthirsty darkness, awake and worn-out
The black mamba runs through the branches of a redwood tree,
battling in malice
Undersea Sorrow raises her head and steals a look
She sinks away, hoping to pass away
Hoping to save our soul,
Her tears now bleeding faster
I wonder if we’ll make it through tonight
As sorrow screams tears down our face
The light has been turned out
I hear hate yell
“If only I could curse you faster
Two times faster I just might last”
Her goal to exterminate love
Rage sighs, a sigh of never ending pain
The mind, the soul pour into vain
It’s hard to breath in the dark without the light
I could do without these nightly frights
As streams of tears pour down our face
Rage howls out in the night “I curse your name, your name,
Your name I curse in vain”
Wounds of desire open wide
The sound of her voice
Screams out in pain
As echo stitches back together the mind to this soul
In vain we speak, hearing words never meant
By day everything goes wrong
The nights last to long
Scars like Verses on flesh
Reminders of unsightly rhymes
As the mind threshes
Back to hope and forth to faith
“No” “Yes” suicide is no crime
To a tempo that beats and flexes
As every other emotion rises and riots
I notice
The more one longs to hate
The more one longs to love
I said “let go of hate so love can fade”
But hate is stubborn
Determined not to let go first
At times like these my words go unheard
Author notes
The black mamba represents hate
the redwood tree represents love
echo represents time
rage stands between love and hate not knowing what way to turn cursing the name of the man who brought this pain
the one speaking is wisdom
It's more a poetic story of how our emotions can reck havoc with us
Written August 20th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Thank you 5th position for reading my poem, I'm glad you liked it.
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This is interesting. I liked the symbolism you used and the whole theme/message of this poem. Great job on this and I hope you do well in the contest.
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Thank you Exotic memory. I like a good long poem myself. I once wrote a 16 page poem, then was told to write a story. If I could keep the stuff in my head straight and focused I would. I'm glad you got to read the revise, the original was kind of long and choppy.
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I like long poems!! they show that you have alot to say...if that makes any sense...this is a great poem with emotion and fabulous emotion exuding from it!!
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Thank you for your honest input on my poem. You are right it was a bit long. so I've shorted it and made a few other changes as well as added more notes to author's comments about the poem to give a better explaination of where I was coming rom when writing the poem.
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still worthy of applause
Although I find this a tad overlong, I do like the picture this paints in my head. You have a very good command of language, but in some places the repetition really does detract from what you are trying to put across to the reader. I think you could cut this piece in half and still have a wonderful poem. There is a great deal of unnecessary word usage, and that is a shame. Also, I think in cases where there is a central character as in your Undersea C`Maiden, and you are hoping to attract a wide audience of critics, you need to explain a little more in your author comments. I find this sadly lacking on this site, leaving most of us stumbling in the dark [if you'll excuse the pun]. Dark poetry really works best when it is short and sharp, and stabs you without warning in the side.
I wish you well in the contest and with future writings.
~ crisstiena
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