In pretty clothes
She's lying there,
A single rose
Adorns her hair...
Don't want to hear
That it is true,
And now the tears
Just cloud my view...
The floor was red.
What did he do?
My mummy's dead,
I feel so blue...
She was so sweet
He was so bad.
In the street,
He struck her dead...
I'm all alone,
No mum, no dad.
My mummy's gone,
And I am sad....
Author notes
Written August 18th, 2006
A contest entry
- Guaranteed Comments! by Nam.
425 points, ended October 23, 2007, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING SHORT by Blooming Poet.
400 points, ended March 7, 2008, 105 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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Is this true. Tell me this isn;t true. Oh my God, tell me this isn't true. Relief, just read your other comment, I am glad your mom is okay.
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I liked the beginning, it had a good rhyme-verse going for it, 'til the end, then it just seemed to weaken at that point. I feel that you could fiddle with the end a bit to make align with the rest of the poem.
A nice poem that you have written here.
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This is my first time to read this poem. I will be re-reading all the entries like I usually do.
Initial score = 8.2
Thanks for sharing and keep on writing my friend.
VIRGOAN -
Beautifully done. :D
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Beautifully done. :D
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Very sad, but things like this do happen in our society. Still, horrible to find out your Mum is dead and killed by none other than your own father... Losing both parents on the same day, just in a different way... You'd never get over that would you, and you'd never feel true happiness again *or at least I wouldn't*
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Wow, that is an amazing poem. I love how you made it rhyme, but kept the flow and the feeling going. This poem is really good.
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This is so very sad, so sorry to hear about the death of your mother, your rhythm and rhyme flowed beautifully throughout the entire poem well done dear poet
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Thank you for the lovely comment and adding me to your favourites...
I made up this poem... my mum is still alive and fine fortunately.
Annie
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*hug*
I LOVE the first stanza I LOVE it. So sad, so beautiful I think the flow was a bit choppy though. Maybe it'a because I'm not a fan of rhyming It's nothing personal and you know that. i still really liked it
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Are you okay. Your poem made me cry. It's just such an emotional poem. I can really feel the angst and sadness in it. WoW great job!!!
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And one other thing, your last line
"My dad is mad...."
In English this means your father is insane; in American it means he is annoyed. To avoid confusion you should use clarify which you mean! Is he insane/crazy/demented? Or is he angry/annoyed/bad-tempered?
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This is very good. I assume you are German, and if so I am impressed by your command of English. One thing....the word "Mommy". This is an American term. When English people see it they tend to laugh as it sounds utterly silly and false. You would do better to use the English form (Mummy) which is OK for both English and Americans, at least Americans don't laugh when they see it, which is what English people do when they see "Mommy".
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Thank you!
I'm going to change it to "Mummy" and I will think about the las line as well...
I appreciate your comment(s)!
Annie
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powerful
I'm just veiwing some of your work and I'm awestruck, especially if you're only 15. God uses people, may He continue to use you. We will lose a lot in this life,
but the Eternal Love of our Lord we will never lose!
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Easy to visualize these imagages you have created through your words in this poem - sentiments well expressed, easy to read and understand. Did you mean He struck her dead? Think it fits better in this line. Liked the brevity of the lines - good flow as well.
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Thank you!
Yes, that's what I meant...
that's embarassing... I mixed up "stroke" and "struck" again... and no one noticed before...
I appreciate your comment!
Annie
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Nicely written, I like your contradiction in the end where you say "no dad" but "my dad is mad" because he is lost although still living. Good job. -N
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very sad, thanks for enterring
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I would say something about this write, but the other comments say it all, so there's not much else to say because your write's so great it leaves us all speechless! Oh, now I look like an idiot cuz I don't know what to say... I know, I'll just applaud...
Erin -
Not sure why I chose this write---other than for it's grace and beauty---or, maybe I needed to cry and cleanse my heart. Mr. jOe
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a great job here, very vivid and emotional. You've captured the despair and pain very well here. Well done.
Rory -
Excellent job on this. It does make an impact on the reader and flows very well. Very impressive
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Oh wow, this poem was really good. And such vivid vocabulary! I think you'll do well in this contest!
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Beauty in Death
I like how you captured the child's innocence in grief. -
I reckon you've captured the emotions of a little child in this situation extremely well.... sad,scared,lost,alone.
Grief is hard to come to terms with no matter what age but when there are other factors to accentuate the grief it's a wonder how people,young or old, find the strength to cope all.
Excellently written
Saoirse
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wow this is a very good write very deep yet so sad unfortanately it does happen in todays society, your rhythm and rhyme flowed beautifully throughout the entire poem
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i can feel the sadness that is surrounding you/her (i dont know how you want to put it) and how you are all of a sudden alone after one moment. you are like an orphan because your mommmy was murdered by your father. it is hard to believe how many tears anyone would cry if this happend to them. the pain and suffering that the character has is unbearable and you feel her pain and you cant help but to let your eyese get a little watery while reading this poem. very good job and you have a gift of sharing the character's feelings with others. thank you for sharing this with AP!!!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
<3 alwayz
Nova -
Wow! so sad and a heart grabber. This is an amazing heartfelt write with such emotion and depth. Your flow was grand, my tears flowed along with it. You have done a wonderful job here. You have placed such a break of the heart that many can't speak of. Wonderful. Great write.
God bless you,
Tabitha
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How sad! This piece really grab the reader. I loved the short stanzas, it almost seemed like the child was trying to talk to somebody while holding back tears. I loved how you wrote from the child's point of view. It's such a heart breaking subject, but you make me feel really close to the author. Good job and thank you for sharing your work.
.billie. -
Wow... I think you caught the emotions as well as the words that a little child might use. I liked how you used simple words and rhyming, but still managed to pull off a wonderful poem. Thanks for entering
--Tim -
Hi.I think you managed to write, as if you were in the situatin you described in your comment.Best luck for the contest!
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Hi Stef! Thanks for your comment and your applause! LOL I think I will never change Now July was just here and I've forgotten what I just wanted to write... whatever... Thanks again
Entchen
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Hey! Haha you can't refrain from telling people their mistakes either, can you? Lol we're so similar there This is a very heartfelt poem, I liked it a lot, but the stanzas could've been a little longer Very nicely written! Congrats!
Bis bald,
♥ Aureola -
Thanks for the comment... Writing fell instead of feel always happens to me... It's embarassing
LOL that shows that I can't always spell correctly 
btw: Are you sure the 'emensely' in your comment should not be 'immensely'? ^^
Ann
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Well though poorly executed
I like this poem a lot even if it is against mine in the contest. However you might want to look over your spelling more to be sure it is written correctly.... again I must say I enjoyed your poem emensely.
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