Rain drizzled,
trailed down grimy panes;
advertising cheap eats with dishwater coffee.
Where everyone is a stranger
and converse in glances
and stares.
She couldn’t have been more than half my age
But then you multiply that number
by experience
and divide it by heartache.
We were just about twins.
It is said that with one of those
you can get as many of these as you like.
Well she certainly had one of those
and by the looks had had too many of these.
None of which she particularly liked-
most of which she detested.
Along her wretched trail
she had loved
and lost
and really wished
she’d never loved.
Her children scattered,
carving out pieces of dreams
that still hurt her at dawn.
Sometimes life simply does not work.
For a few dollars,
she will suck your toes
out the end of your dick.
Never looks at you with those dead eyes
circled in heavy black rings of c’est la vie.
Rain
flickered passed a faulty light
casting strobe shadows
down a garbage filled alleyway.
Between bags of rotting vegetables
and a dumpster
bloated to bursting
we were just about twins
as a pitter patter
of loneliness
washed down on our lives.
Author notes
Written August 17th, 2006
A contest entry
- No Title: Just Come Have a Look by I-Am-Custard.
900 points, ended July 5, 2007, 41 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Poignant piece that puts the reader in the scene. Vividly painted scene of bleakness.
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I like this, which has surprised me to be honest, since I didn't expect to at all. One line irritated me:
'she will suck your toes
out the end of your dick.'
I think it was the word 'dick' that bugged me, it was such a break from the rest of the language that it felt like a slep in the face reading it, and it wasn't at all pleasant.
Despite this I think I'll make this a finalist, I would have suggested edits had I been quick enough off the mark with my comments (I've been rather slow with this contest) and those edits would have made it a finalist, so it's in basically, since it's my fault you lost your chance in the first place.
Thank you for entering. -
I find here sparkles of brilliance, but i can also feel some not-so-faint stench of misogyny....
I'm gonna read some other stuff of yours. What we have here is intriguing enough to try that...I think.
best,
rachel -
Crawl!
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a very moving and depthful write for only seventeen lines. i like how well you were able to capture and tell this story - great descriptive word choices and imagery created. i definitely feel sorrow when i read this piece. nicely done.
keep up the good work! thank you for entering and best of luck in the contest <3 -
theres one bit i got stuck on and thats the bit where you say 'so despite most people using a date of birth'i just thought that you didnt need that bit in cos what you had already put explained it maybe thats just me being nitpicky cos its great otherwise and i like your work a lot a lot.. more more more..and the last line isa killer...
Edited on Aug 21, 12:26 because 'yes'. -
I know it's meaningless but I can relate. Age really has very little to do with the meaning of life. This specific moment you've lived and that's all that matters. Good luck in the contest.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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Powerful
She tosses between her days and nights the same way she sleeps.
Her days: Some days she reaches deep in her pocket to feel something soft. For a brief moment her heart feels a twinge of warmth. In that moment a flurry of rememberences and hopes that for once she will have something warm and soft to rely on. She pulls out her hand, slowly opens it only to find a piece of crumpled up and used tissue. She smirks with a self deprecating chuckle, muttering to herself, "How so friggin appropriate, how so.........me!" Other days she doesn't even bother. She already knows what's in there. Nothing, again, she thinks. "How so....me!"
Her nights: Moments after dusk she turns on the bathroom light. Goes to the mirror,she begins to make up her face. She notices her movements have become "robotic". Yeah, she likes that word, as she continues she begins to play her word games. Metal, steel, hard... She doesn't really look in the mirror anymore.The last time she looked it was her first time. It was then she saw her twin, watermarked from the rain. It was also when she first played her word game. First word, counterfeit. The watermarks seep through less and less these days. Interrupting her game, she just mutters, "makeup, more makeup" Funny how words such as soft, warm, loving never find their way into her game.
Her sleep: If that's what you call it. Most times she makes her way to another room. Looks down at the child fast asleep in her bed. Climbs on top of the covers and snuggles next to her twin. There is always covers between her and her twin. Carefully she pulls the covers up over her shoulders, then her own. "Can't touch her, don't want to taint her" Words like innocent started to play in her mind as she drifted off to sleep. Sleep, if that's what you call it.
I know that this is no where near where you were going. Its just what played out in my mind as I read. One can help but be rivited to the chair, the screen as they read this piece. It felt almost as if my soul was being assaulted, yet not. I felt as if I had been cut open and turned inside out. My nerve endings raw and exposed! Wonderful work. Good luck in the contest!
~Michelle~
Edited on Aug 18, 10:32 because ''. -
My God DP... this was a Eureka moment.
Of all the million, three-hundred and twenty-seven pieces you've written I think this one has topped them all!!
Painfully poignant, so much said here....is it really only 17 lines??
Fabulous writing DP!! -
Excellant/sad
Wow, unique write/read on a sensitive subject. Well done indeed. -
I feel bad because i'm too tired to focus..so I will read and comment again later
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relly good work i will not try this becus i wood not now how to dow sow ok well lots of luck on the contest
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that wuse rell cool and relly good reding will tel wilf to red later ok well keep up the good work lots of luck on the contest hop you wen
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I don't know if there are any words left to say that has not been said already! A tear jerker for sure! Love it! it is heart wrenching but very well done! Best of luck in the contest!
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the force is strong in this one.luke i am your father.and everyone knows it aint no fun if your daddy cant have some.a worthy opponent you are.yet i worry not.i am yoda you are a mere padawan.kiss the ring.im rich biach!!!!!!
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You know age really is irrelavant at times, DP this was an enthralling piece of reading material. Made my eyes water there in one place
Good luck in your contest -
Fantastic piece compelling reading.Good luck though not sure that you are going to need it.Amazing
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... it is pieces like this that leave me simply green and hanging up my pen.
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I simply sit stunned and marveling, enchanted by the overall effect of so many delicious lines. How your mind works ... simultaneously delicate and demented... a wonderful balance you've achieved.
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wow breath-taking! that was achingly beautiful.
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