Years ago we were a team,
standing as man and wife
with our procession line
stretching out to greet us.
Each meeting commencing
with the doling out of liquid life.
Sustaining each for awhile
until they returned to drink again.
But like most marriages,
time has been unkind.
Our aged faces,
scorched by the sun,
have lost their sheen.
We were separated by forces
beyond our control.
Divorced from each other
And from the world
We succumb to our fate.
Author notes
Landscape Photography
by Mark Gallagher
Written April 12th, 2003
In a list
A contest entry
- Wreprites! by individuality.
300 points, ended March 17, 2006, 1 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Raven Qualifier - General: Free Verse, Rhyme and Everything Else by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 140 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
-
Brief but powerful. You've done an excellent job conveying emotion with comparatively so few words.
-
WOW ~ The entire poem is POWERFUL! You did a great job describing everything. ... Wow~ Good luck in the contest! (Dang i'm still blown away....) IMPACT ~ Gosh can't ya all feel it~ .... ...
-
What an absorbing piece you have here. Both the "liquid life" reference and the regretable symptom of broken relatioships ("divorced from the world") were worthwhile contructs that show, despite all the predictions of our teenage years, humans for the most part really do seem to just... fade away.
There is a little of Dylan in this piece... in that it may inspire us to "Rage... against the dying of the light." But at the same time it leaves us feeling that the pursuit is an impossible one... that we shall all fade slowing into the "good night"... and, in the last, expect to wish the fade may last longer that it will.
Ultimately depressing, but honest, there is a humble edifice at work here... a construction that speaks to the grand design, and acknowledges that, like the accompanying photography, we have already begun to rust.
Thank you for your entry.
~Das -
Thank you for your application in the APTP contest.
I found this poem to be a nice showing of talent. It has left an impression on me. There are still many more applications to read and such, but we will get back to you within the week.
Best of luck.
Justin -
especially great poem. I loved how you captured both love and sadness in this piece. There was hope and then there wasnt any. There was beauty and then there wasnt any... so vivid. I loved it.
-
I really like this for some reason I can't explain. It all works together to make an interesting piece. Good job. Shancy.
-
great
I absolutely love the poem you did a wonderful job. It really makes me think. I especially love the last few lines. I dont really understand the picture.....Oh wait, unless NoWayJo is right, then I kinda understand it...wow...I never would have thought of that..Well, wonderful job>! -
I am thinking that this is probably an image writing contest, your image being the two worn and useless gasoline pumps leaned up to one another? if this is the case, then your poem really works well for the image, but I don't know if it would stand alone without this picture quite so well. it just felt a little too casual and not drawing enough of an image to account for separation, divorce. however, with the picture already having rung that bell in the back of the reader's mind, it may be that this is enough...
Jo -
short but sweet!
Its great. There is no more room (for thoes whom wish it were longer) love has little words, and a love gone bad is undescribable.so i think it was brilliant-although i cant relate.but i have undertsanding
thanx! -
Accurate
Well, it does end how most marriages end. You speaketh the truth! -
Interesting piece, it made me think. It was a little hard for me to follow with the rhythm and line breaks and all, but I really like your wording. The part with aged faces and the sun is really deep- congratsulations!
Kudos.
Bekca. -
It drives me crazy that you spelled CHALLENGE wrong, but i'm anal like that. However, i do love the spin you took from the picture; there's so much underlying meaning to every single word you used. That's a skill, to be able to have no meaningless, filler words. Nicely done
-
I really like this. i can relate to it, and though I can't tell what the picture is (if you'll tell me i'd be grateful, i'm an overly curious person) you write very well. <3
-
Oh, that's so sad
..These lines especially bother me...'We were separated by forces
beyond our control'.... and: 'We succumb to our fate'
The world sucks.
Great poem. Such wonderful expression in so few lines.
Absinthe.
-
great
Expressing a lot in few lines is an art, and you've mastered it! Woohoo! You did a great job with this tough challenge. I personally never had such a hard time writing a poem in my life before! I liked the idea you used for the poem, about the marriages. It is indeed true, and especially in my life since every relative I have on either side of the family, and including my parents, are all divorced. Bodes well for the future? I'm REALLY hesitant about this whole marriage thing now.
Anyways, these lines I especially liked
"Our aged faces ,
scorched by the sun,
have lost their sheen. "
It reminds me of older people and their wrinkled paper-like dry skin somehow. Well done! -
I agree with Judge 5...the last line adds a nice touch of drama to the piece.
Very touching write
-
very moving... i enjoyed this... i am to hung-over to say anything eles...
-
Shorter than most of the other entires, but a lot of impact. I especially like these lines...
"Each meeting commencing
with the doling out of liquid life.
Sustaining each for awhile
until they returned to drink again."
I also would have liked to have seen this a little longer, since it is so good. Overall you did a fine job.
-
This is a good solid poem, I like the simularities you have used and some very good use of words.
This part I thought was cleverly written...
"Each meeting commencing
with the doling out of liquid life.
Sustaining each for awhile
until they returned to drink again."
I thought this poem could benefit from being a bit longer.
On reading an interview with a friend and poet recently, one question asked was, "What advice would you give to a novice poet?"
and her reply was, " Never use the word 'like' in a poem."
The reason I have brought this up here is because you have used words well in this piece but the word 'like' did seem to lower the tone a little, especially in the line....
"Years ago we were a team,
standing like man and wife
with our procession line
stretching out to greet us. "
Just a personal thought.
Edited on Apr 12, 9:18 p.m. because 'I can'. -
Nice work. Several of the poems I've read so far have gone in the same direction as you. This poem flows nicely and the last line is so dramatic. A fine write you have here.
-
interesting angle on this challenge
you've expressed so much in so few lines
wonderful job
I am having a blast seeing what everyone else sees in that pic. This is a great challenge
-
Unfortunately, the divorce rates are higher than ever, and life's complications and stress and pressure just add to the fire. My grandparents were married for over 50 yrs, and i they made it look so easy, but as we all know, its not easy :-)
Good poem, you've expressed this well, nicely said.
~ Wendy -
its really interesting how there seems to be a constant man/woman/ elderly theme going on.
*ponders*
yeah......its really interesting
cool beans
-
I liked the way you managed to pack so much feeling into such a short poem. I’m impressed.
-
I don't understand. Are you saying that as soon as you marry, you are bound to divorce? While love isn't necessarily an ideal thing, it *is* idealized. If you find that marriage is *always* bound to fail, and never succeed, why bother marrying?
I don't agree with the opinion of this poem. Divorce isn't fate. If there is a God, and so many people beleive there is, then he endorses love, and wills that marriage be an everlasting thing.
Sorry, I don't agree with the opinion of your poem, but it is still well written, with a nice rythm.
~@~ Mouse ~@~
Adding your comment:
1 - 25 of 25
