Come listen here to my terrible tale
That of the slightly small thunder snail
Thrown away when he was just slime
Left all alone, he grew sad over time
When he went out people laughed to his face
They said for a snail he was just a disgrace
It was true he was small, well at least for his age
But all the name calling just made him feel rage
Then one night it changed, but not down to luck
A storm brought some lightning and he found himself struck
It spread though his slime and made a bad smell
But he grew and he grew and so did his shell
When he started to move, the ground shook and rumbled
The name callers ran but they tripped up and tumbled
The people then screamed "don't bite our heads off"
The thunder snail smiled and let out a cough
Unleashing his lightning into the crowd
He crunched on the bones of those once so proud
Releasing his rage, the thunder snail laughed
Refining the skills of his deadly new craft
A girl tried to run but the thunder snail caught her
Embracing her into his colourful slaughter
A little boy screamed as his legs were dissected
His confidence seemingly just misdirected
So remember, dear children, when you target the weak
Maybe they haven't quite yet reached their peak
You can't lock the door when you hear the ground quaking
For your fate, it seems, is of your own making
Author notes
This is a version of an anti-bullying poem I wrote (also on this site) based on a short story I once wrote about a snail. The first poem was written for a group of younger children however and was a little too nice in its ending. This version remedies that with a darker ending and is far closer to the original story...
Written August 15th, 2006
A contest entry
- what ever you come up with by ohdavey2008.
300 points, ended December 8, 2006, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your best :) by BabyxBadger.
450 points, ended December 27, 2006, 30 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Ace's Rhyming Narrative Contest! by AceOSpades.
850 points, ended April 27, 2007, 24 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Almost everything allowed!! by Systems Malfunction.
315 points, ended June 27, 2007, 63 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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great write well done
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This is a super good poem. It has all the good qualities of a good story in a poem. So much truth behind such a humorous little story. A good moral in the end especially. I actually thought this was like a more darker Dr. Seuss' feeling, which is quite awsome that you could achieve such a vibe. Good luck in the contest!
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poeple really should take a lesson from this poem!! too many people are bullied for silly things!! and interesting story which really made me feel sad for all those being bullied, i was bullied myself at school and it was hell!! i thank you for this entry!! take care, sam (Dreams27) xxxx
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This is a very interesting perspective. I never ever thought I would come across a poem written about a snail! It is very well written and intriguing. Good job!
Thank you for entering!
~Phoenix
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WELL. taht was certainly interesting. I havent ever quite read a poem from that perspective before....
first off, I think that this poem's rhyme was slightly forced. althogh it had a good message to get across, I believe that the rhyme could have some work done.
"Unleashing his lightning into the crowd
He crunched on the bones of those once so proud
Releasing his rage, the thunder snail laughed
Refining the skills of his deadly new craft
A girl tried to run but the thunder snail caught her
Embracing her into his colourful slaughter
A little boy screamed as his legs were dissected
His confidence seemingly just misdirected
So remember, dear children, when you target the weak
Maybe they haven't quite yet reached their peak
You can't lock the door when you hear the ground quaking
For your fate, it seems, is of your own making"
those were my favorite stanzas because the rhyme was not forced. htey had nice composer and flowed very well. I also very much enjoyed hte ending because it is a cliche witht a twist. normally, I enjoy creativity but I htink that the theme of this poem ((being all snaily)) makes up for using a cliche.
nicely written and ahtnk u w=for entering! -
Hahaha quite a revenge of the nerds tale
Very well written.
I liked your style,
I liked the words you chose,
I liked the rhyme,
I liked the story line.
Very vivid images were brought to my mind as I read this one.
Great job.
Good luck in this contest
~Ron~
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Wow,what an amazing message you send with this,and it is so true I agree,It is not right to target the weak becasue something like this may happen I think you did an amazing job with this piece the flow was perfect never skipped a beat and the rhyming scheme was superb,excellent write
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wierd, ill give you that, but it does seem that some of the rhymes were forced, the one that standes out is line 8, but i still enjoyed especially towards the end, thank you for entering and good luck
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A fun yet terrifying tale with a great moral. WE need to heed this. Congratulations on your bronze trophy.
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this was a great write and i really enjoyed reading it and am glad that i found it..it flowed really well and was a very powerful poem as well keep writting your talented and good luck in the contest.
XTashaX -
Wow, this is very creative and unique, and in a way it is oh so very true. Nice way of putting it into words. Great job. Best of luck.
~Oka/KC -
This is absolutely the type of thing I was looking for (for some reason "rhyming narrative" and my description wasn't specific enough for some). It has the perfect "ok everyone listen up" beginning and the "and here was the point of that story" ending as well. The rhyme is perfect for that of a silly childrens type story, and the tone and story itself kind of carried me in so I wasn't looking for little rhythm flubs and such. The rhyme was well done and the tale was amusing.... Good work
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pretty good poem. Thanks muchly for entering my contest
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a really good poem, you have used roald dahls style really well, and i can see why you won in the other contests. thank you very much for your entry, and good luck
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aw this is really really good! i loved Roald Dahl as a child. I still do, actually! thank you for entering, i really enjoyed reading this piece, it was lovely. good luck in the contest!
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A very fun read. I like the moral of the story.
Thanks for the entry! -
Thank you so much for entering! Best wishes to you in the contest!
Just a reminder, PLEASE do not respond to this comment! Thanks!!!
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This is so powerful! 'The thunder snail...' it is so absurd! I found this really funny and cute at the same time. I like how you have a moral in this poem.
Great write.
Thank you for entering.
Best of Luck! -
Wow... what a brilliant poem! serious, this one so far has really stuck out for me. funny, sad, hilarious. Really well writen and brilliant plot. And to top it all off a good poem. Thanks for entering this poem in this contest, cause it really did make me smile I'll be judging very soon so good luck and well done!
xxx -
this was very interesting poem my friend. unique and full of power. The Rhold Daul addition was a tickler (sorry about the stupid word but It sounds kinda cool) keep up the good work and good Luck!
joe
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you followed the rules good job
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if you dont win i'll be outraged becase this rocked!!!! deserves gold!!!!! twisted perfectly i read the sweetend version on your site but this one is more appealing to me because of the sheer darkend humor of it so very good keep writing!!!!!! and win!!!!!!!
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YIKES! This is a most attention-riveting poem and I loved reading it. Just my kind of thing, and it certainly does remind me of Dahl, whose writing I enjoy so much and fills my book shelf! Hey, I must visit your site!
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Hehe, yes I love this. I can totally relate, though I wasn't the shortest kid in school, I was still teased because of other reasons. ^^;; Great write and good luck in the contest~
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I liked this poem a lot. I was always the shorter kid in school, so I could relate to this poem a lot. Very creative!
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