I remember when we used to play
Kick football and cuddle all day
Or watching a match, just you and me
I'd bring you a beer and sit on your knee
I'd sit for hours while you played with my hair
Life was great because you were there
I remember the day mum came home
You weren't with her, she was alone
Daddy's gone away,get ready for bed
Pretending all was good, that's what mum said
You never came back, you don't even call
The last time I saw you I was tiny and small
You went away so I wrote this to say
I hate you so bad, I just wanted a dad
You depressed my whole world,since I was a little girl,
You left us alone, so don't ever come home.
Author notes
about my dad
Written August 13th, 2006
I used spell check
A contest entry
- Make me feel... by xTomorrowx.
600 points, ended October 9, 2007, 30 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tell me why by astralshepherd.
450 points, ended October 16, 2007, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites! by aeolia.
380 points, ended January 19, 2008, 116 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Gold for Green by Grey Mouser.
300 points, ended October 15, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I'M AT IT AGAIN by Tempa Lee.
600 points, ended October 21, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - [Rainbow Colored Screams]- & -{Cyanide Sprinkled Dreams} by xToxicxCupcakesx.
315 points, ended November 7, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - HATE by lesbian-in-love.
565 points, ended November 5, 2007, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - LET ME FEEL YOUR PAIN AND ANGER(no love) by J McSANE.
302 points, ended October 19, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Whatever The Hell You Want To Enter [please read the first line] by Nam.
425 points, ended October 21, 2007, 46 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Depression, Anxiety & Betrayal's Wrath. by Poetryintheblood.
600 points, ended October 23, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your best by Technicolor Kay.
380 points, ended November 13, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Black, White, And Shades of Gray. -Contrast- by sleepingINblackRain.
700 points, ended November 9, 2007, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Father of Mine by Memoirs of a Girl.
425 points, ended January 8, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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The meter makes the poem seem very sing-songy.
The rhyming was good... until the last four lines. You switched from rhyming every two lines to rhyming twice in one line. When it comes to rhyme, you have to do it well and be consistent.
That being said, I thought the poem was really good.
Thanks for entering!
~Memoirs
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wow. that should go to all the jerks out there!
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The last line was my favorite.
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I like this Its great!
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this is sad but is exactly what i asked for...very nice
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Such a wonderful write my fellow poet. I feel the pain you speak in your written words. my dad left when I was 10 and we only had 2 weeks in the summer to visist with him. He has passed away now and I never got to say goodbye to him, something I will never be able to change. Remember the good times and if you can forgive him now for once he is gone you never will be able to make it right. ...Great work.
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Thank you for your most heartfelt entry, Josephine
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Very sad write and all too true for many in this world these days, you are not alone in your feeling I am sure. Bless you...Scott
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"or watchin a match,just you and me" - "watchin" should either have the apostrophe at the end, or the "g". Also, there should be a space between the comma and "just".
"id bring you a beer and sit on your knee" - "id" is an actual word, it means "that is to say, in other words". I would recommend placing the apostrophe in it, to make "i'd". Same with any other usage of "id" throughout your poem.
"you werent with her,she was alone" - "werent" would be "weren't". You should also have a space between the comma and "she".
"daddys gone away,get ready for bed" - "daddys" would be "daddy's" as in "daddy has gone away,". Also, you should have a space between the comma and "get".
"pretending all was good,thats what mum said" - you should have a space between the comma and "thats", also "thats" would be "that's".
"you never came back,you dont even call" - you should have a space between the comma and "you", and "dont" would be "don't".
"i hate you so bad,i just wanted a dad" - there should be a space between the comma and "i".
"you depressed my whole world,since i was a little girl," - you should have a space between the comma and "since".
"you left us alone,so dont ever come home." - you should have a space between the comma and "so", also "dont" would be "don't" as in "do not".
A nice poem that you have written here.
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Very well written. Very emotional. Thanks for entering and good luck.
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Thank you for entering the contest, I appreciate your effort. Well, for sadness factor you would get a ten if I had that as a category so you get a ten for emotional impact. Unfortunately the spelling – grammar – imagery hurts this offering tremendously and I had to mark accordingly. It is a touching poem and a memorable one as well. Blessings and best wishes, ~richard
1) Content 9
2) Originality 8.5
3) Flow 9
4) Word choice (vocabulary and/or rhyme) 6
5) Imagery 3
6) Grammar 4.5
7) Form9
8) Spelling 3
9) Emotional Impact 10
10) Rumination factor (how well does the poem make me ponder) 9
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astralshepherd’s completely subjective total score =71
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A sad tribute to todays societal values, where a man can just abandon his responsibilities. Toss away the true and beautiful affection of a child without remorse. Some very strong feelings expressed and emoted very well in this write. Thanks for entering into the contest.
Be well and be blessed,
Mouser -
WOW! This is so sad and touching. Way too true for too many people of todays world. Men leave and do not think about the damage it does to a child. Well written with emotion and truth.
Thank you for sharing.
Love -
i love this and it almost made me cry because i use to do the same thing to with my dad. which family member would you like to be?
EXAPLE: Dad (family member you want to be)
~Dani~
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Thankyou
it means alot that this poem is liked as it is really personal to me. i would love to be anything, a sister would be great
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First, congrats on the honorable mention trophy. I have to say that this hit kinda close to home for me because I do not have a very strong relationship with my father... just be thankful that you have these memories with him. There are some of us in the world who would KILL for them. Thank you for entering and good luck.
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this is great! so sad and heartfelt... excellent job on this, i definitely felt your feelings as i was reading this...
excellent write! thanks for entering and good luck! =) -
a very sad write and very good flow to it I can touch your emotions through the words well done really and truely xxxxxxxx
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wow. thats sad/
you have created a very emotional piece. i could feel the joy of the child with dad, watching games and all that. and then you carefully, skillfully bring me down to the sadness of missing a father, and then the inevitable anger to go with it
ignoring all that completely, im very sorry.
i hope one day you can be truly happy in all aspects of your life -
THAT SAD!!! MY FATHER LEFT WHEN I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD.I wish he had been there also.But I think it makes you a stronger person.Because you have to suck it up and try to move on.But in some way it make you feel alone.Like you are not whole.But you made it with out him.Keep your head up.It his lost. He missed out on one of the greatest people ever his daugther.You are a much stronger person. I was told you look at thing as good or bad.You can learn from your bad. you can make right your good.If you have kids to be be there for them.I know it hard.But you have to put that emptiness you have inside (aside). Great poem.Can you give me feedback on my poem silence.
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its sad, but meaningful, brilliant
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