My eyes are tired.
Losing lenses that
help me see
(with clarity) Futility.
Losing fight with Gravity...
Depravity........
Since losing you...
Learned helplessness
Will I be Free?
S
c
e
n
i
c
S
e
n
t
i
m
e
n
t
a
l
M
e
m
o
r
y
ANCHOR ME!
With my friends and family
Must find the balance
between Creativity
And the collapse
Calamity
Face my fate with serenity
Author notes
Written August 12th, 2006
A contest entry
- widows..& widow,ers poems only......pw,s & new writes... by Honeydew.
600 points, ended May 28, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
nice write
thank you for your entry!! -
Ah yes, the three laws of thermal dynamics. I always did a get a kick out of those. A scientific 'Catch 22'. LOL
I remember when I learned those in Physics class in highschool. I had the immediate desire to prove them wrong. I'm rather stubborn. I don't like being told I can't do something or can't have something. When you tell me that, it's just assuring that I will have it, if I wasn't sure I wanted it before then. lol
As for 'learned helplessness', are you speaking of the implications of concept, or a specified definition from somewhere?
But regardless, this is still light weight and I'd like to see something of a deeper nature. Not to say dark, but where you reach in and resonate. -
The three laws of thermal dynamics;
1. You can never win, you can only break even.
2. You can only break even at absolute zero.
3. You can never reach absolute zero.
Famous quote: The world will not end with a bang, but with a wimper...
When you speak of the decay on your breath...
I think you get a jolt of mortality.
This is a jolt of mortality
Wrestled quietly. The squiggle is a representation of a free-fall, to a fingertip saving grab.
Are you familiar with the term learned helplessness? That notion fleshes this substantially.
Hope you enjoyed reading my diary.
(come by anytime.) -
I do believe that this was the one that you were seeking comment from me on? I hadn't actually forgotten but I've been thrown back with multiple factors in the real world, and so really haven't been commenting much outside the necessity of my contests. (to which, you've not participated)
I've read this several times, and I'm not sure that I'm grasping where you felt that influence has played a heavy role in its creation. Unless, of course, they you are speaking of the creativity of the formatting in this. In regards to that, I think you may have gone out a little too left field in that. Certainly, I see your point in using the structure, but perhaps you should consider modifying it to a more modest form. To some degree, the scattered nature of it, makes it hard to follow. And the harder your reader has to work to follow your words, the less attention the have to focus on the more important factor, your meaning.
So it's a balance you have to be careful of. For the words themselves... This is definitely a better example than others I've seen of you, where you stay squarely in poetic tinture. You carry it through from the beginning to the end. That part was done well enough.
Sometimes I wonder though, if you intend for this to have a greater force than they do. I had the feeling that you meant for this to carry a stronger feeling than the one that came across. To me, this was a light weight. It's solid poetry, for sure, but it's not high impact. It's not the kind that makes one sit back and stare a minute, lost in contemplation after reading it.
It's just there. It is what it is, but it's not an under current in a canyon river, where you drag your reader under with you, to feel it from the inside. You know what I mean? But perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps you did just mean this to be like a diary entry where you said what you needed to, to get something off your chest, and not to connect with the world? -
cool poem i like how it's layed out and i espescially like the little squiggly word line thing. And, can someone translate what PetrifiedAfforded just said!?!
-
tracing for strength
parenchma (phonics for par in each ma?, by trainings we play hot potato cold for equality?),
"Melancholy" is colic for more than Melissa or whomever this showed a solvency with.
The ovelapped border serves the straining cynosure of the meandered writing not mawkishly with :
"My eyes are tired.
Losing lenses that"
as the curvature of our eyes are lentil shaped they serve as food when kept pliable so to speak for application.
Explaining "help me see" was not as phrasy, almost pase, but it could conceptualize definitively the difference between optometry and an optimist for the changes that aren't scant! The next line nabs this idea with parentheses.
The two following lines shows almost a glitch in being 'an able-bodied man' when fickleness will have us go crooked :
"Losing fight with Gravity...
Depravity........"
"Learned helplessness" sounded too clinique instead of more of your ocular worries of oncology of sorts as obsessively you then squiggle of the swells of "scenicsentimentalmemory"
An outburst to berate for an annex that isn't of optical illusion :
"ANCHOR ME!"
Thus the nucleus of family that's more ponderous now!
The ambiguity is still big at the end with "calamity" for your column as we can't bring in an artistic battery over what can become miscellaneous if we can keep standing around.
Edited on Aug 20, 3:13 because 'theme vocabulary'. -
Now here is a work I can identify with & fully appreciate. Your work is often rooted in a place wholly unfamiliar to me and therefore makes it difficult for me to sympathize with but you connected with me here.
"...find the balance
between Creativity
and the Collapse..."
Simple. Eloquent.
A thing naked, bare, and beautiful like a woman.
In my opinion, this is a new plane in your work. I hope to see more like this.
Edited on Aug 13, 9:31 because '.'.
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
