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~~~A thousand miles apart/ far away~~~

So long I've striven but drifted
        and alienated in this void,
           infected with the illness 

of stress and loneliness,
without someone to love. 
            Today I scan black skies,
              searching for your heart 
            to glow my darkened star.


Like a guitar with broken cords,
my soul is dying for your longing touch.

In mirrors and glassy things, 
    like bottles or brass; 
               I can see the eyes of your fate,
calling me half way with a place to stay.
         but my heart has too many scars;
                  I am fragile and afraid.
In my soul, there's endless sand
                 as far as the eye can see,
relentless sunlight--
                and an unquenchable thirst-

Like smoke on a surreal wall-
           reflecting reality so brutally real.
                       Inside, I'm burning to reveal--
what I want to convey.

For beneath this lust is sacred stardust
               where you and I are not so far apart ...


But a thousand of miles connected by ocean waves.


Author notes

Beautiful Tragedies

Inpired by the picture


Mr. Mack


10. Talk to me about lust, but don't make it dirty, the less it has to do with sex the better.

A contest entry

What did you think

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Comments

1 - 64 of 64

  • sensualbutterfly
    July 22, 2008
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    Very well written. I like the comparisons. Thank you


  • Viyanna Rosemarie silver member
    June 28, 2008

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    this is a very beautiful write from you. as always, your heart shows through with magnificent grace. thank you for sharing this with me tonight. viyanna rosemarie


  • morgan2285
    June 28, 2008

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    Its pretty good but not so much what i was looking for. Its more about a personal struggle than having to deal with an actual person. Thanks for entering and good luck in my contest

  • OurxBeginning
    June 6, 2008

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    A lot of emotions, and love can be tough, but with the right person they can erase all the hurt and scars one may hold. Thanks for entering and good luck.


  • wingsofgold25 silver member
    June 6, 2008

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    Sometimes can be difficult but you handled it very well.
    Thank you for the entry and good luck in the contest

  • Theory Of The Lost
    April 7, 2008
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    Very well done, you kept it very clean, but had the incent of lust to it, this was very well phrases and worded i really liked the lines, Like smoke on a surreal wall- reflecting reality so brutally real. That line to me had so many takes to it, over all very well done, it held me in, i didn't get bored.well done and good luck!!


  • Shassidy
    April 6, 2008

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    Great job with this piece! This has a lot of really great imagery in it - particularly in stanza one, which is my favorite part. I like how the last line is connected with the title and it is not connected with the rest of that last stanza - both of those things add a lot of power and meaning to that last line. I also like the stanza structure in this - it makes it fun to read and adds to the words in it. Great job and good luck in the contest!


  • UnManned4Ever
    March 19, 2008

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    Okay. My question is, are you dating this person? Or do you long to? i need to know so that I can judge it fairly. Great write btw. It was very good. Keep up the good work and good luck in the contest


  • z etoile
    March 1, 2008
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    This is very beautiful great job!


  • infinitechaos07
    January 10, 2008
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    Thanks for entering my contest and best of luck!


  • leander Moderators member
    December 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Great imagery painted in this poem though here and there maybe a tiny little bit cliched.
    you've done a great job with expressing your emotions though.
    Leander


  • forever and ever
    December 17, 2007

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    this is a beautiful poem!! you have a very inspiring way of writing!! keep up the great work and good luck in my contest!!


  • Perfectly Imperfect
    December 8, 2007
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    A beautiful piece of writing, thankyou for entering x


  • Blooming Poet
    December 7, 2007
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    You are very talented. I love the imagery in this poem. Especially Like a guitar with broken cords,
    my soul is dying for your longing touch.It is such a great metaphor. I love how you can describe longing so well. I have added you to the finalist list in my contest congrats.


  • Beating gold member
    December 6, 2007

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    oh this is just so beautiful, I'm blown away! I love the imagery and this whole piece is just so poetic! good metaphores, good rythm, just really good! Love it!


  • opaqueangel
    November 30, 2007

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    This is amazing!!!! I loved every little bit of it. I really enjoyed the structure and spacing of this peice as well, I think it really added to the longing felt here. This paints a very sorrowful picture clear in my mind yet with in it is found a beauty in the words poured out of this broken heart. I really enjoyed reading your peice and thank you so much for the entery. Good luck and keep up the great work!


  • Tarja
    November 21, 2007

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    Oh nice. This reminds me so much of poetry you would find in the very olden of days. Something like what a brave knight would compose for his beloved, lady fair. Excellent. I loved this! Thank you so much for the fresh entry and good luck!


  • WhenWillsCollide
    November 8, 2007

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    wow
    that was very well put
    I really like the metaphors you chose, they really made up the poem

    teh emotion I got from this write was very strong

    very well written
    well done

  • Raven Judge
    September 28, 2007

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    It feels like the main thrust of this piece is to demonstrate how connected we all are through binds that supersede the physical. I could not agree more. I think that anyone who has experienced the phenomenon developed and promoted through a long distance relationship can at once understand that touch is not always physical. This piece made me remember the joy and pain that was all too real for me when this reality was a part of my life. This piece may only be really digestible by a select few, but saying and knowing that doesn't detract at all from its quality.

    Thank you for your entry.

    ~Das


  • earthstar
    September 23, 2007

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    Capturing feeling in a write can be a difficult task. This write pours out the feeling to the reader who feels the words. Maybe can not deal with deep feeling of loss it reminds them of the empty spot in there hearts. I think feeling can be abstract at times. I am glad you wrote it abstract I think it give your write more power feel to it. The visual clues given to feeling were done with extreme care. One feel pull into it. The reader understands the theme even if it hard to put into words. Deep feeling remind wordless for they are overwhelming in nature. This is done extremely well. Hope the best for you in this contest.


  • Northern Raven
    August 25, 2007

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    This poem has an aura of real sadness, darkness and longing to it from start to finish, yet I don’t find it a depressing type of read at all. Although it is written in the first person I feel it is abstract rather than a personal write, which allows the reader to become drawn in. I think the author describes well how it feels to be separated from someone when in love, whether it is by a small distance or a thousand miles, because it is the actual separation that causes the feelings of loss. So many of the lines express powerful emotion but “Inside, I'm burning to reveal-- / what I want to convey” also airs a feel of frustration as the feelings either should be, or have to be kept private for what ever reason.

    Although the language here is conventional, it’s been used to good effect in creating images which reinforce the emotions. Some lines I particularly like in this piece are “to glow my darkened star” because I don’t find it to be an over worn cliché, and “Like a guitar with broken cords, / my soul is dying for your longing touch” because I simply enjoyed the image of an abandoned guitar left untuned, much the same way this person has been abandoned. For intensity the line “For beneath this lust is sacred stardust” also appears novel to me and I think it bears strong belief that beneath the lust there is real and solid love.

    Congratulations on reaching the final round of the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with this entry.

    Northern Raven


  • Exodus gold member
    August 19, 2007

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    Beautifil and heartfelt work. You have some stunning imagery in here and you can feel the emotions almost coming off the page. Thank you


  • Wild-N-Wiccan
    August 14, 2007

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    Wow, if you could know what this means to me that you wrote this. Wow. Absolutly beautiful. God Bless you!

  • Godwin
    August 14, 2007

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    Free verse not well written gives one the impression of a chopped up prose but this is different, what with striking images and the flow and rhythm of the verse. Splendidly crafted.


  • HpWICKEDangel
    August 14, 2007
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    "Like a guitar with broken cords,
    my soul is dying for your longing touch.
    In mirrors and glassy things,
    like bottles or brass;..."
    I love this part it says so much.....
    this piece was powerful adn left me thinking. thanks for sharing adn good luck in the contest


  • moon2u
    August 14, 2007

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    What an amazing poem!
    You capture how many of us feel, when faced with the possibility of a love across the miles

    nice to meet you
    moon2u


  • Arsenic-
    August 14, 2007

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    Wow... this one gives me a sinking feeling, like being fathoms down and out of air. haunting would be a good word.


  • Ephiphany
    August 10, 2007
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    Very nice

    I liked it.


  • aikoflavored
    July 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This was sweet.
    I Liked the flow.
    It's unique and thats something I was looking for.
    Nice job.

    Thanks for the Entry.
    Good Luck!

    |aiko|


  • Lillian Rose
    July 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This write was so deep and hearfelt. I liked how the flow of the poem was easy and everything seemed to be inplace instead of chip chopped like I thought it would be. Thank you for entering this into my contest and best of luck!

    Casey


  • Flames-of-Furey
    June 17, 2007

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    This is beautifully written and the format mimiks the sea very well done.
    even though it isnt personal i felt connected to the words and personalised them.
    Thankyou very much good luck in the contest and thankyou for the support you have given


  • 2lullabyhaven
    June 17, 2007

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    Wow this is good. You make a person feel the sensations and all. Wishing you much success with it in the contest. lol


  • Heavenly Angel gold member
    June 5, 2007
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    Quite sad but so very well written! Thank you for sharing this in the contest


  • Logans-Mommy
    May 30, 2007
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    this is pretty good, i like the flow of it, it was deep too, i like that.


  • DancingRed
    May 16, 2007

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    Mmmm, beautifully poetic descriptions. And I love the internal rhyme - it holds this piece together very nicely. It's all too gorgeous for words.
    Thanks a million for entering.

    DancingRed.

  • fallen-leaf
    February 17, 2007
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    Lovely Write.

    Oh wow. This is a lovely write. I felt more emotion as I continued to read on into your poem. Its lovely, and nice choice or words. Your description of feelings is awesome as well. Thank you so much for entering my contest and good luck! Keep up the wonderful work!


  • Stingersinger53 gold member
    February 16, 2007
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    love this. It's really good!


  • CrystalJet
    February 11, 2007

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    This is a sad, but good poem. It really reveals the sadness someone feels. I like the metaphors you used to they really added to the poem.


  • Abdul T Alishtari
    February 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    You described your heart well

    Peace

    The broken echo's tear
    transcending a cavernous distance
    I needed to hear
    so defining your romance.

    Peace

    Abdul Tawala Ibn Ali Alishtari


  • Sacrificial Love
    February 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Beautifully penned...

    You have hit home on a personal aspect of my own life...this is incredible...

    Good luck in the contest...

    Sahabah

  • in-the-twilight
    February 7, 2007

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    Absolutely beautiful... bravo! I liked the flow and the comparisons you've used here! Thanks for entering! Rock on! xoxo meg


  • poetictears1222
    January 29, 2007
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    Good. I liked it. Marvelous imagery. One of the best I've seen so far.


  • Teenage Confessions
    January 21, 2007
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    I loved this bit:
    'For beneath this lust is sacred stardust'
    It's fab!
    <3333


  • Not-The-Sun
    September 3, 2006
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    this poem had some fantastic lines. i really enjoyed reading it. good luck in the contest and continue writing!! <3 *Jordan


  • TillyMay
    August 28, 2006
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    There is so much here- some fantastic lines...

    "infected with the illness
    of stress and lonliness"

    "In mirrors and glassy things,
    like bottles or brass;
    I can see the eyes of your fate"

    "For beneath this lust is sacred stardust
    where you and I are not so far apart ..."

    And several others. It's not just the lovely phrasing, but the beautiful way you've woven them together to express this cautious longing for love. I see a tender footed soul, contemplating walking across the hot coals of love- once again- and counting the costs and trying to sort out if it's worth the risk. There is so much heart- and it's tinged with past pains and presented with a frank openness that is as refreshing as it is lovely.




  • Angelicrima15
    August 23, 2006
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    I like this a lot!! This has such a deep meanig to it. My favorite part was Like a guitar with broken cords my soul is dying for your touch.You rock!!


  • August 23, 2006
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    This is EXACTLY what I'm looking for in a poem for my contest. Good luck!

  • gaerielle
    August 21, 2006
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    Totally enraptured!!

    A thousand miles apart in the flesh but together as one in the heart... This is soulmate poetry!!! You weave your way through her and voila! next thing you know, body and soul as one.. It is that one heart that keeps the body you see and the soul that is both within beating forever.. Two peas in a pod in the certainty of time. This line: " my soul is dying for your longing touch: - SO DO I. This line: "I can see the eyes of your fate, calling me half way with a place to stay" - Best line, is it not healing?? This line: "In my soul, there's endless sand: - True Anam Cara - Absolutely exquisite poetry!! I am in love more than ever.. ouffffffffff
    Edited on Aug 21, 3:40 p.m. because ''.

  • gaerielle
    August 21, 2006
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    Totally enraptured!!

    A thousand miles apart in the flesh but together as one in the heart... This is soulmate poetry!!! You weave your way through her and voila! next thing you know, body and soul as one.. It is that one heart that keeps the body you see and the soul that is both within beating forever.. Two peas in a pod in the certainty of time. Absolutely exquisite poetry!! I am in love more than ever.. ouffffffffff


  • JeannieD Hunter gold member
    August 12, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Very beautiful and sad. Your yearning and love comes through so well. Great writing. Long distance love is so hard. Hang in there. Thank you for sharing. I wish you the best of luck in the contest. Jeannie D Hunter

  • Francis Vincent
    August 12, 2006
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    terrific

    a message conveyed by the heart
    across time and space
    Edited on Aug 12, 10:53 because 'spelling'.

  • Doug B
    August 12, 2006
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    awsome

    very good piece! like all the analogy not too much but not too little just enough to make the reader understand what you mean. Great job-Doug-

  • Angel Falls
    August 12, 2006
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    Wow... truely amazing... it started off so beautifully, my fav...

    So long I've strived but drifted
    and alienated in this void,
    infected with the illness
    of stress and loneliness,
    without someone to love.
    Today I scan black skies,
    searching for your heart
    to glow my darkened star

    Then it continued with such feeling, almost screaming out of my laptop screen...

    This is well written and I really enjoyed it.

    Well done.

    Angel x


  • PassionsPromise gold member
    August 12, 2006
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    this was powerful Mackintoch as i knew it would be. You have touched my heart with this one. I k now so wel the feelings portrayed here, as you should know. Thanks for sharing this.
    Love you Victoria
    ** I am so sorry Pure Haitian for my error.Please forgive me**
    Edited on Aug 12, 8:43 because ''.

  • payton
    August 12, 2006
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    good pen,good vibrations


  • Miss Kill
    August 11, 2006
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    "For beneath this lust is sacred stardust"
    This line is golden. Its a really good poem, and thank you sooo much for entering my contest.
    Daidra


  • Forgot2Breathe
    August 11, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. Thats really all you can say about this peice. Its sad thinking that you feel that way and cant do anything.

    reflecting reality so brutally real.
    But in my heart I'm burning to reveal--
    what I'd want to convey.

    Really those lines are emotional and true. Very excellent job.


  • Firequeen
    August 11, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    wow
    truly beautiful
    i so know this feeling
    you put your longing into words so elegantly
    great write here
    keep up the great writting
    Firequeen


  • Soulful Woman silver member
    August 11, 2006
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    This was beautiful my friend. I can feel the love and the longing through every line. It is so hard when you feel this way and cant do anything about it..I know that feeling well.
    Stay well.

    Soulful Woman


  • PrabhuDayal Khattar silver member
    August 11, 2006
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    For beneath this lust is sacred stardust
    where you and I are not so far apart ...
    But a thousand of miles connected by ocean waves.

    these three lines are the one complete poem..truely so powerful poem..great work indeed...


  • cafegroundzero gold member
    August 11, 2006
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    I need to reconnect to the vital core

    Excellent. I was somewhat concerned about the use of void and drifting, but hey what the hey they're great words. And why not drifting? As this might hearken to the drifting of many an Haitian immigrant waiting to arrive to a distant desired shore.

    I like the alliteraton of "bottles and brass." Interesting and pleasurable.

  • Revwilliamfoos
    August 11, 2006
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    sometimes seeing the eyes of fate it is better to keep your eyes closed for what your do not know will not bring misery great write
    love the papa


  • Nermin Nazim
    August 11, 2006
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    superb

    an absolutely melodious melisma of gems as words adorning the sky of ap. beautiful work, and i relate to it so much as it tells my story. i love it, it is told so skillfully and beautifully and in such a sophisticated way with the wide choice of powerful and beautiful words you used here.


  • StarEyes
    August 11, 2006
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    Wow!!!!!!!!!!!! This is fantabulous! So gentle and lovely! Just a true masterpiece! I think most will be able to relate in one way or another! keep that pen flowing!

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