Never Stop
The voices never stop
I don't know where I begin
There's my voice screaming
The screaming never ends
Things are repeated over and over
A voice tells me what to do.
The voices never stop
The calm never begins
A thousand things are screeched at once
Commands never end
Memories and conversations are thoroughly dissected
A voice tells me what to do.
The voices never stop
My sanity never begins
Thoughts that are not truly my own are repeated over again
Confusion never ends
My mind is full of chaotic situations
A voice tells me what to do.
The voices never stop
I don't know where I begin
Others live in my mind
And their voices tell me what to do.
Author notes
Be critical I want this to have pure emotions and for the reader to understand what I am talking about. For those of you who know me well you realize that this is about my mind and how I can never get it to just stop thinking or going over things such as conversations. This is what I deal with everyday...every hour of the day...be honest with me!
Written August 10th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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I think you've done a wonderful job of expressing what troubles you. There are a couple of lines that run long, and they kinda mess up the flow of your lines a bit, but that kinda goes with the whole grasping for free thought thing. Have you thought about adding another voice in? Let us hear some of the things the voices say. It might help us empathize with the speaker more. Just a thought! --->pixxie<---
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The poem was awesome...You're awesome....
This was great....amazing....
The words were almost perfect...
There was one small error i could find...
"The voices never stop
My sanity never begins
Thoughts that are not truly my own are repeated over again
Confusion never ends
My mind is full of chaotic situations
A voice tells me what to do."
Line 3 in this stanza is too long for the breaths of the poem....
Also the sound throws it off the rhyme and beat at the end....
"again" should be replaced...
I think something more like this would be more appropriate...
"The voices never stop
My sanity never begins
Thoughts not truly my own find repitition
Confusion never ends
My mind is full of chaotic situations
A voice tells me what to do."
It is your poem and maybe you do not want to change it...but i think it's slightly off there...
I love the words and idea of the poem....more vocab expressed than others i've applauded that's for sure....
Good job...
Keep the ink flowing...
Peace and Love...
Matt
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this was an awesome piece of writing flowed perfect a joy to read
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This was nicely dark, and even though it probably isn't supposed to, it made me grin...cuz of the voices in our head...
"Memories and conversations are thoroughly dissected"
I <3 that line
well great job!!!!
<333 Jess -
this is great you portray the fealing realy well
over the summer i went to groop theropy were i befreinded a boy who heard voices, and this peice sounds like somthing he would wright about his voices
good job
~mary -
fantastic write
A very interesting and thought-provoking write !
Well written, raw, emotional and just sheer excellent !!
I loved the flow and word use...wonderful consistence !
Keep it up always
Stay safe
~Amanda -
i really like the repetition used in this passage but i think the meter pattern used in the verses could be a little more consistent. i think it would make this a more powerful piece.
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I love the contrast between stop and begin it makes it more powerfull. the language and descriptions are fab as always. great read
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interesting to see how shuffling around a few line affects the feel of the poem.
to be completely honest, i think that in some ways this has become more choppy and awkward. i still feel that in many of the lines "a voice tells me what to do" still seems kind of out of place and doesnt really fit. also still relies a lot on "never ends" or "never begins"
"There's my voice screaming
The screaming never ends"
"A thousand things are screeched at once"
seems to be a recurring idea here.
but think in someways there is a strength in this, can kind of see the mind whirling in circles, this constant rush of words repeating and restating and reshuffling... its actually rather clever.
the speaker says "Things are repeated over and over" and shows it.
'Memories and conversations are thoroughly dissected"- can totally relate to this...
i also still ADORE the line
"I don't know where I begin" and luv how u use this to tie the begginning and the end together.
i think that you have definetly made this stronger, and that with a little seasoning of a few enticing details and a little more freedom with the form, this could be stunning.
anyway, hope thats some help to you!
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emotional
Maybe I read it after the editing, but from what I see is that it's a good emotional poem that tells of the tumoil in life that a person can go through ex: stress,boredom, etc. Overall it a good read that I would read again. -
I liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike it! Wahoo! Now, if the new programming was in place I could applaud again and will try now, but don't think we will be able to until the new programming is in place!
I really, really, really like this version. I think you did a tremendous job on reworking it!
Thank you so much for letting me know so I could come read it again!
Write on!
Kimberly G. -
hey there I edited my poem never stop and I would appreciate it if you could read it again and tell me if it is any better. thanks!
ash -
hey i edited my poem Never Stop and would appreciate it if you could read it again and tell me if it is any better.
ash -
hey i edited it and think it flows a bit better can you read it again and tell give you opinion I would greatly appreciate it.
ash -
i have to agree with blondone, i'm not quite cool enough to give critical review, but i'll tell what i otherwise think.. lol i know what thats like. but mine don't really scream. well, the ones with the GOOD ideas do, but there are so many more of the quiet ones... it is powerful, that can't be denied! i like the structure as well (i never use stanzas, i'm no good at it. anyone that can make it work is my hero! lol). well, in short: i like it! kudos
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sorry I'm not good enough to give a critical review !!! I like the poem and can relate to it and all it depths sounds like my bi-polar deep, dark and powerful poetry is all I can say...
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I think this is very interesting and I think it will be really great if you take some ideas and work just a little on it. I really like the way you ended it "and their voices tell me what to do." The only thing that I felt repeated too much was the "and another voice tells me what to do," but I don't think it's necessarily that the same line is repeated in those same spots, but I'm working if taking the word "and" off the beginning would make it read better, but not sure on that, just an idea to try if you want. If you think about it, let me know if you change things around, I would like to read it again, as again I do like it and find it interesting.
Write on!
Kimberly G. -
eh, pretty good
well...
you seem "ducked" up (sorry, its just the words my group uses)lol
anyway, I liked it, though I'm not sure if I need to comment on the content, or the meter/flow/rhythm, so i'll do both
I liked the whole concept of the poem (the voices) probably cause I know what you mean...
the flow threw me off at first, but once I got used to it, I really liked the poem... !
if you wouldn't mind, I wrote a new one just like, twelve seconds ago about abuse at school, and I can't decide if I like it, so do you mind being brutally honest for me? thanks
again, I liked the poem
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i can relate to constant scrutiny of conversations, interactions, situations... brain whirling wildly and you cant get it to SHUT UP!
i have to agree with the commenter above though... repetition can be a beautiful and useful technique... but as with all good things, its best in moderation.
i think the repetition of "the voices never stop" is okay... its central and draws u back to the begginning... starts up again...
but "and another voice tells me what to do" seems pretty trivial, kind of throwing it in, fits with the first stanza but after that it just seems forced and out of place, overkill.
also while u use different words in "the... never begins" seem to repeat a common theme, dont seem to add much new or just seems a bit squeezed in (my happiness, my sanity). might want to just pick a couple strong, succinct ones.
(i luv the first and last, that twist, so clever. )
the third lines of each stanza are the depth and life and strength of this poem, build on each other.
might be fun to mix it up a little, maybe keep the repeating "the voices never stop" but use it every other line, and then maybe throw in a couple lines perhaps (an interruption by one of the voices or something, i dont know) to give it some variety.
im probably not making any sense.
well, hope maybe that helps a little! (and sorry to be so harsh.)
Edited on Aug 10, 11:04 p.m. because ''. -
Hi,
Ok so you basically have a line and half per stanza x 7 to create the depth to the poem and hold the interest of the reader. Repetition can be a useful technique but try and make it less predictable, mix it up a little within each stanza. Perhaps if you took it down to say 3 or four stanzas the repetition would hold a lot more impact. Then use the saved 5 or 6 lines develop stanzas content. E.g. S2
The voices never stop
silence never begins,
things repeated over and over
another telling me what to do.
Calm never begins
a screeching crowd inside one
always another voice telling me what to do.
The voices never stop,
my sleep never begins.
Memories and conversations; thoroughly dissected
another tells me what to do.
The voices never stop
sanity never begins,
etc. etc.
Just a thought, the above is far from perfect but I hope it illustrates what I’m trying to get at.
Good luck with this and thanks for the read.
Rgds
hobby
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