pearly oysters flood
through deep sea caves
will corals luminate?
Author notes
Written August 9th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- The Technique of the Riddle by azure85.
300 points, ended August 26, 2006, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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captivating by this captured moment......
This is simply magic. I've never thought to ask a question in any of the haiku or senryu I've written. It's nice to see something with a little kick.
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excellent
I love it when a poem ask`s a question at the same time as telling you the answer,give the reader more than one way to appreciate it -
Hey sweetheart this was wonderful....I think you should have gotten something for this. Great job
Kari -
thanks for working at this haiku; you have done a good revision.
pearly oysters flood
through deep sea caves
will corals luminate?
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pearly so it connects with the light to the coral..reflections
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re: corners--I love stark visuals that illustrate extremes and unimaginables
. However, I have edited for the 3rd time if you'd like to see it again. Thanks.
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You have a viable point. It is welll considered for editing.
I'm so doggone abstract, I like stark visuals..lol.
thank you ! -
pearly oysters flood
toward corners of the sea
will corals luminate?
I love the imagery, the fairy tale ambience and everything that has to do with sea-life fascinates me, so I do like this one.
myron has asked you what do you mean by 'pearly'; when I read it I can imagine little pearls like light bulbs or lanterns - was that your meaning? they illuminate the corals? to me, even
the bubbles on the background seem like small spots of light and visually remind pearls.
'corners of the sea' I don't know....maybe 'depths' instead of corners? since the deeper the sea is - the darker it gets and so corals do need lighting. just a suggestion, hope you don't mind.
good luck,
rachel
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pearly oysters flood
toward corners of the sea
will corals luminate?
thanks for revising this. our contest wants haiku of 17 syllables OR LESS. this one is 18 syllables, i think.
i sometimes like to ask poets questions; i hope you don' mind.
what is a corner of the sea? can you give me a better image of what you see here?
why do you like the word 'pearly'?
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I read Cookiezeal
slowly by word, line and verse
I am immersed in her world
I find wealth there for treasures fall from her soul
in words essential
like pink clouds and orange skies to a sunset
I will have all I can get
from CookieZeal -
..oh..and I did edit according to the rules you pointed out.
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I see how you found the references, although I must
admit the editings 'ouch' me . lol. Not
because I don't want to improve, of course, but because my view is different and feels less natural to me.
Because the standard is high, however,
I make compromise for certain contests.
Thank you
Edited on Aug 11, 11:38 because ''. -
water babies flood
from corners of the sea
will corals cry?
thanks for entering our contest.it's good to see that you have already revised this poem once. you have some good material to work with and i feel that you can make this poem even better than what it is now.
my main concern is that it uses personification in the last line. it's a wonderful line of poetry, but unfortunatley it contravenes rule #4:
4- you must not use any poetic techniques, such as rhyme, metaphor, simile or personification
so i hope you can rectify that in your next edit.
i also agree with Susie about 'water babies' - it is too general i feel; in haiku the more specific the detail, the more clear and focused the image and the haiku. (this is true for most poetry - generalizations often weaken a poem.)
i look forward to another revision and any response you may have to my comments and suggestions.
all the best,
myron. -
superb
I personally believe the corals do cry for today they have
lost their color and now are a naked white with the destruction that comes in our green-house affect.
Tamara
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I like the change that you made to the haiku. I was going to make a comment last night, but I was not sure how to comment because to be truthful I didn't understand it. I think the simple change of that one word made it much easier for me to understand, but them what do you expect I am already getting old and senile.
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FIRST EDIT on "Water Babies Flood" so far.
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LOL..Guess I related to the watery stuff in both entries..lol.
I wanted to use the general reference to any tiny/young entity
underwater, while using the 'cry' to connect to that stage
of animal life. I didn't find it too abstract.shrugs.
Maybe I can think of another word that is relative
to the actual growth.
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Hi CookieZeal!
Oh, I am laughing at Mary O's comments above, that is cute.
Water babies flood
from corners of the sea
Can flowers cry?
Suggestions: You do not need to capitalize. Also, what are water babies? Are you thinking of a specific creature of the ocean? Or those poor brine shrimp-oh, those were sea monkies!
water babies flood
from corners of the sea
can flowers cry?
Can yoou make the images clearer for me? Is it an algae bloom like Mary suggested? Like a red tide?
I am looking forward to your comments.
Susie -
Beats the algae out of me. You've got me on this one.
I'll have to give this more thought. Anyway, I do like the composition of words here. Good luck to you.
Edited on Aug 09, 10:21 p.m. because ''.
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