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A Complete Day

 


When night is done and dawn is here
the moon replaced with a golden sphere,
when all the song birds sing as one
that's when a new day has begun.

 

The sun that shines through morning haze
will soon become a midday blaze,
this ball of orange light will soon
spread out to meet the afternoon.

 

The golden sphere now spreads it's web
as day is coming to it's ebb,
the sun will set, and very soon
will be replaced with a silver moon.

 

The moon casts shadows through the trees
and shines it's light on darkened seas,
a silky sheet of heavenly light
heralding the coming night.

Author notes

Written August 8th, 2006

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 22 of 22

  • Malkolis
    March 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering, this is what i asked for, however, some of the rhyme seems forced. Or it is rhymes i see repeated day in and day out. few rhymes are timeless and i am afraid that hurts you here.

    thanks for entering


  • Roaddog Wolf
    March 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    very good , the flow and rhyme was flawless very smooth and I enjoyed the read allot. Thank you for the entry and good luck in the contest. xxx


  • misticmoonlite gold member
    August 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for entering and congrats

  • misticmoonlite gold member
    August 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Now this is what I call a wonderful day,mornin till full moon,pierced through subjects with nice view of each special moment seen, thank you for entering gl...SH

  • Poetryintheblood gold member
    May 24, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for your lovely entry, Josephine


  • iamlost gold member
    April 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I love the transition and movement throughout this poem, as an entire day goes by. It made me feel as if I'd just sat in a shady spot for an entire day and night to watch the transition, your language and imagery were beautiful. Thank you for inspiring me!


  • burning alive
    April 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    ^^

    Very good. Keep up the good work and good luck in the contest.

    -Angel-


  • honey bear
    January 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    thank you for entering with this lovely fresh and natural write,so very sweet , it was a pleasure to read, good luck in the contest

  • serious clown gold member
    November 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Now that's what I call a review,I thank you very much for the comments,the suggestions,the compliments,the advice and of course the claps,they are all appreciated---Norman


  • katina
    November 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful, Intriguing, Naturalistic, WOW

    A Complete Day
    by serious clown on Aug 08

    Wonderful FLOW!!! The first stanza sets the stage for the rest of the poem.
    I knew at first glance that this poem was going to be in the top ten!!

    Your rhyme scheme is great and consistent through out. In lyrical poetry there need no definite rhyme scheme but where there is one it heightens the images, and the flow.
    This was unique and memorable because of the mystery, the naturalistic approach, and the flow that started in the beginning and kept going to the very end.

    The only suggestion I would have for this pieces is to continue it to another stanza or even more. This is not something that is needed; I just wanted to read more of this. I loved it.

    You are in the top 10, so far. Of course I still have fifteen more poems to read and maybe more before the judging is over. The results will be in on November 6 in the morning.


    When night is done and dawn is here
    the moon replaced with a golden sphere,
    when all the song birds sing as one
    that's when a new day has begun.

    I will be keeping the names of all the poets who wrote a lyrical piece in a file for future purposes. When my web site is up I will be running a workshop for writing different forms of poetry such as Lyrical, sonnets, ballads, and other forms.

    I may contact you to get permission to use your piece in one of the workshops classes.

    Again,
    Thank you!

    I’d clap but I need to buy some more points. I’ll come back and read more of your work after I get more and I will find something to clap!!! Promise.

    So,
    CLAP, CLAP, CLAP

  • serious clown gold member
    October 25, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for your applause,your good luck and allowing my entry,also good luck with the contest and everyone who enters, best wishes---Norman

  • katina
    October 24, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you so much for entering the contest!

    I have not read your work yet, it is hard to keep from reading these. I will be reading them all after printing off a hard copy when all the revisions are done after November 5. By November 8, the results/critiques will be done. I am writing up my critique in a word document and will email this to you. I will also leave a comment on your author page. I just want to give the authors something to put in their writing portfolios.

    What I am doing now is looking a form, whether it is lyrical in form etc. There is nothing wrong with your form. That is all I can say at the moment.

    Thank you again for your entry.
    Good Luck in the Contest and in all your endeavors in life!

  • serious clown gold member
    August 10, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I thank you very much for your comments and your applause,I agree,the cycle of light and dark are about all we can depend on,and of course death,but at least we know when the former is will happen, best wishes.


  • funpum
    August 10, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Hello Serious Clown, I came in to see what you write as I was attracted by your name. This is beautiful - there is something very soothing about the account of day and night, the immutability and unfailing nature of the cycle of light and dark is one of the only things on which we can depend -apart from death!

  • serious clown gold member
    August 10, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you very much for your comments,you're very kind,sorry about the birds making so much noise,but they're probably just complaining about the neighbours that live next door to their tree, best wishes---Norman


  • MindOphelia
    August 10, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Magnifique!

    Wow.. I could tap a beat to your rhyme. ^^ This is a beautiful piece.. but my window is right next to a tree, and every morning I hear the "Chirp! Chirp!" of happy birds and I want to throw things at them. Otherwise, it's spotless!

  • serious clown gold member
    August 10, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you very much for your comments,they are greatly appreciated, best wishes---Norman


  • -Ang-
    August 10, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    very beautifully written Clown, the imagery is outstanding

    ang

  • serious clown gold member
    August 9, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you so much for your comments,you're very kind, best wishes---Norman

  • serious clown gold member
    August 9, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you ,your comments are much appreciated---Norman


  • Smirnoff Ice
    August 9, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    A great write full of wonderful imagiary.A lovely piece


  • Amicus2K9
    August 9, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Nicely done...you put some work into the write and it shows.

    thank you for the visit...


    amicus...


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