I cannot escape
thoughts of suicide.
It's as though they've
taken over ((me)).
I wonder if
they'd notice
((care))
if I were to suffer
HIS fate
with
HIS gun
and
HIS mind
with
HIS thoughts
penetrating
MINE.
Feel
HIS eyes
see
HIS smile
(the last one from HIS face)
remember
THEIR tears
and
sweet regrets.
Remember HIM the life
HE lived
the death
HE died.
Alone I sit, here in
MY room.
Unfeeling, unmoved by
THEIR tears
and
THEIR words
and
HIS fate
and THAT day.
Would they remember me like him
and think,
Why,
with this cool steel
I took
MINE?
Lift it,
eye level.
A knock
THEY're here
get IT over
knob turning and
I pull the trigger...
Author notes
be critical!
Written August 8th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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very nice poem. emotional and very sad. i dont know anyone who has killed them selves but my best friend tried and nearly succeded. i almost died when i found out. great emotion. love it
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You're not completely wrong, well.. okay you're basically right, but in the end something happens which makes you feel like you HAVE to make the decision NOW. You see what I'm saying! Thanks for the comment!
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Well, I'm thinking that to really understand the poem, one has to know the situation and I probably should have put it in my Author's comments or whatever.. but anywho here it is. Back in December one of my greatest friends in the world killed himself. Sometimes I don't understand why anyone would EVER want to do that, but then there are the times when I myself wish to do so. Anyway, I regress, he was on the phone with another one of our friends (he called her to say goodbye) and she was trying to talk him out of it, meanwhile his mother was on her way home and he told our friend that there was someone at the door, then he told her he loved her and hung up. It was his mom and he shot himself as she walked trough the door. I'm not sure if that means anything, but that's what I though about when I was writting this, and I know that it's SO much easyer for me to feel the emotion in my poem because...well.. I wrote it. lol. But anywho hope this helps! Thank's for the honest answer!!! I love getting critical replyes!
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You're probably right, It most likely is a bit redundant (I tend to do that whether on purpose or not.) but I rather enjoy the way that it works. And it's too late to change it now. Once one of my poems are written, I don't really believe in changing them, because then, they become a different poem. lol.
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Wow, deep. A bit hard to read, but still amazing.
Keep it up. (and it's a teeny bit redundant. A teeeeny bit.)
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It was a little hard to read, but I think that was on purpose. But also, the flow could be a little better I think. I like its current form, but I think you could work on it to make it SOUND a little nicer
Miss DTM
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Well I'd have to disagree with the previous people. In my opinion, the emotion is there, it's just hard to recognize unless you've been in a similar situation. To me it feels like that dull throb of uncertainty and confusion and a tinge of desperation. The repetition just makes me feel like you keep going on and on because you aren't sure yet what to do, and all of these thoughts are buying you time. I could be completely wrong but that's how I understood it. It's kind of like a commentary on what a person's thoughts are at the end. Anyway, good job!
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Not much as far as content. Rather bland and that last person was right it is pretty redundant. I liked how capatalized some of the words though. If you read it aloud and stress those words the poem has a nice and very choppy effect that really makes it sound like you are sick of it all. Other than that it lacked emotion.
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I thought it was a bit redundant, but it could be on purpose, you're the author, you tell me. Also, this leaves much to the imagination, like who HE is, but that's alright. Anyways, that was the only beef I had with this, it states the same idea over and over again.
Good luck in that contest.
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