“Cussin’, cursin’ Clementine
Take my hand, will you be mine?”
“Fuck off!” she said, “You loathsome swine
I’d rather boil my tits in oil.
I’d rather fuck a cactus bush
Than having you near my tush
You piece of shit, don’t even look.
You’re as handsome as a boil!”
That’s where I made my first mistake
The second coming through her gate
There she threw an iron grate
Screaming, “COCKSUCKER!!! HOPE YOU DIE!”
She continued on with some words
Though I was concussed and never heard
I think ‘pencil dick’ and ‘utter turd’
Were mentioned once or twice
After a week or two in convalesce
Neck in brace, I must confess
I was feeling better for the rest
So I wandered back again
This time I looked like Ivanhoe
With full plate armour, head to toe
As I gave her one more go
“Hello, my darling Clem…”
Suddenly felt a resounding smash
A deafening clang like anvils clash
“Oh fuck Oh shit!…this was rash”
What a violent bitch was Clementine!
Swinging a broadsword above her head
“How ‘bout a poem?” I quietly said
“What? Violets are blue and you’re now dead?”
“No, no my love…how about one of mine?"
With a glint of broadsword in my eyes
I cleared my throat to recite
“I dedicate to you if you like?”
“Shut up and just read the crap!”
Eh hum…“To that twitchy shit Clementine
Who’d boil her tits than be mine
I’m still waiting for a fucking sign
As you fall in love with this handsome chap!!!
Who gives a fuck about P’s & Q’s
Domestic violence, being killed by you
When all we want to do is screw
Though a sewer pipe has more eloquence”
What I heard above a deafening din
“Is that a boner pressed ‘gainst this tin?
You can joust me ‘til my twat caves in
Ivanhoe- thrill me with your lance!”
In hindsight what she actually spoke
Was, “Wait there tin can, I’ll get some rope
Say your prayers and give up hope
Because you are utterly fucked”
Foolish me I tried to turn and run
I was a little slow even with her gun
Bouncing bullets off my head for fun
As I tried to weave and duck
“Run Forwest you dozy bollocks!"
I heard her shout, "For no one frolics
With Clementine except alcoholics
Who can drink me right to bed.”
“Whoa…Hold on a mo Clementine
For I have a crate of lovely wine
Strong German beer by the stein
And eight bottles of Johnny Red.”
All I can say is the girl can drink
As she went down on Johnny in a blink
Her tone softened and made me think
As I was hauled by crane to her loft
Her change of mood was frankly scary
I had never seen a snatch more hairy
Than Clementine’s as she fairly
Ripped my armour off
I am not quite sure what was worse
Killed by broadsword or hear her curse
“FUCK ME ‘TILL YOU TAKE A HEARSE
HOME FROM HERE TONIGHT!!!!”
She tied me to some chicken mesh
Took out a whip and removed my flesh
Then told me that she was next
“Thrash me fucker with all your might!”
“COME ON PUSSY BOY HIT ME HARD
This is better than being a faggot bard
Leave me mashed and fucking scarred
I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine!
JESUS!!! Muscle up and give me belts
That really bring out these welts
I’ll tell you now prayer never helps
When you are fucking Clementine!!!”
So cussin’, cursin’ Clementine
Made me age before my time
Thrashed to death while drinking wine
Washed down with Johnny Walker
Here comes the bride is not played often
So closely followed by a coffin
But for Clem there was no stoppin’
Except just to pork her
Our marriage was rocky from the start
It went from dearly gathered to dear depart
In what seemed a twinkling of a fart
As fucked to death seemed her dream
The human body was not made for Clem
Who was somewhat harsh on all her men
They needed a tungsten whang and then
The healing powers of ‘Wolverine’
One day Clementine’s heart just stopped
Between “God Almighty!” and “Push that cock!
Fuckin’ wimp is that all you’ve got?”
As she stabbed a ball point up my clacker
As she lay there silent in that early dawn
I thought how would Clem want me to mourn?
So shagged once more while she was warm
Then kicked myself in the knackers
‘Here lies Cussin’ Cursin’ Clementine
FUCK OFF YOU’RE STANDING ON MY SHRINE
YOU PIECE OF SHIT, YOU NO GOOD SWINE
COCK SUCKER HOPE YOU DIE!!!!!'
Author notes
Written August 8th, 2006
A contest entry
- contest: whatever you want just make it fantastic! by ISheHer.
306 points, ended September 22, 2006, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Red Nose Day - Poems For Comic Relief by Death of the Author.
610 points, ended March 27, 2007, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Darken Us Up with Your Comedic Genius and Romantic Attitude by So Strange.
1000 points, ended September 7, 2007, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 44 of 44
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interesting
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Many thanks for taking part in contest 5. ‘Fantasy’ in our rounds of contests in the Rhyming Extravaganza.
We have been surprised by the wide range of entries that we have had and the standard has been exceptionally high.
Please join us in the future rounds and enter writes that we would love to read and enjoy.
Thanks again for your entry,
Sue and Jeff
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Sorry but does nothing for me at all. It reads like a stream of swear words rather than a poem, nothing wrong with swearing per se but here that hides the rest of the contents.
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This, oh dear god. What an amazing story. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard reading a poem. Thank you for this.
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Well, that was different, what a bitch! Cant imagine my tits in oil, ouch! I liked the poem but it was a bit long for my taste, congrats on all of your winnings on this! Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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fun write
I think I knew that girl. (LOL) You know, prayer really can help depending on the circumstances; though it sounds like you were fucking the Devil, or getting the Devil fucked out of you. (LOL) -
Yeah, mainly just what the-gifted said...this was weird but interesting. I still liked it a bit, though.
Good luck in my contest! -
wow. that was very long, but interesting. good luck in the contest.
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Oh mah darlin', oh ma darlin', oh mah darlin' Clementine,
Yer lost an' gone forever, dreadful sorry Clementine
I love that song. You just made it that much better. -
Started with a smile, finished on my knees.In between pissed myself and had the police brake down the door thinking someone was in trouble.I will let you know what i think of the poem once i get to the end
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David, even within the vulgar vernacular experienced in this, I have to say that I laughed. You always have a way of spinning your words to crack me up. Awesome job!
~ John
PS: She ain’t getting’ anywhere near my car.
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wow, that was absolutly amazing, lucky for you you im not affended easaly. this was rather...amusing... lol... it was great
1 thx for entering, and good luck! -
but as you always say, "What a way to go!" lol
Is this destined to be an epic? -
Bribe!
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fucked the fuck up
Wow.
That...was...AWESOME. -
absolutely disgusting go to the top of the class eeh this had me laughing out loud which is a vry rare occasion as i am amiserable bitch usually...who said thaat...oh it was me...oh well thats alright then. i love the ballet dancer she looks like she is a bit sore....
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HAHAHAHA!
DP humour at it's very best!
You've outdone yourself with this one... Good luck!
K xx -
Love at its worse
lol that was lovely if I do say so myself. Not a conventional love story and I appreciate that. It was funny and erotic at times but mostly abusive. I loved it. It made me want to read more. I love the rhyme scheme and the diction. Lovely write. I enjoyed it very much and I look forward to more of this abuse. -
haha.. this was great!! ive never laughed so hard over a poem... lol.. i swear if the heat wasnt so intense id piss y pants!!1
lol
great poem.. not what i expected at first
lol
<3
crisis -
Long time no see guy! Were you banned again
anyway this was awsome! You had me laughing so hard 
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Wow thiis was a really funny piiece. That was great. Kept me chuckliing throughout. Keep up the good work you are an amazing poet (or maybe ii should say poet/comediian)!!!
Soon to be queen but now stiill the...
Nubiian Priincess -
nice write
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OKAY! I found the WINNER! I know I'm not the contest host nor would Edna look kindly on much I say but this is THE WINNER!
"This time I looked like Ivanhoe
With full plate armour, head to toe
As I gave her one more go
“Hello, my darling Clem…”"
Hahahahahahahahahaha ahhhhh hahahahahahahah ah ah hahahahaha
What a positively adult funny as hell hoot!
Good luck, so glad to have you here darlin'!
LOVE YOU ♥ ♥ ♥
Renee
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Absolutely hilarious!!! From start to finish this had me shaking my head and laughing uncontrollably. Very well done!
Rory -
Hilarious!
LOL, that was hilariously disgusting!
Great job, never read anything like!
Vidalia -
That was utterly amazing.... wow... hahahahaha.
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this is exquisite. I loved it and I really hope you win the contest. This made me laugh till I almost peed myself. Keep up the good work and I hope to read more from yuo soon.
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I have'nt laughed so hard , when I can't remember whem
the rhyme was great ..it was justhilarious..thanks so much for sharing this..lol lol lol lol
Dusty -
LOL,
Tamara
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A great title for this piece- certainly filled with cussin and cursin - them there words and such - well written.
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David,
Many thanks for the belly laughs this morning. It's not often you come across a truly twisted piece like this. It'll garner gold I'm sure.
Sincerely,
Leo Long -
Top hole old boy!
A waspish maiden well taken in hand,
though after her handling he could hardly stand,
Our tin canned hero showed might pluck,
He lost his skin for just a fuck.
Trounced and kicked, debagged and torn,
With cock in mitt he knew how to mourn,
Upon her grave he wanks at night,
The howling wind shrieks out her plight,
"Get off my grave you spunk spewing wreck,
I hope they catch you and stretch your neck"
In the darkness of night you'll hear the clanking of his wrist,
as his now tamed lover can't avoid their trist.
My apologies for the above but your tale inspired my muse into surfacing from it's own grave where it seems to be hiding these days.
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This is definitely one of the funniest most original pieces you've written. I'm sure you don't need my advice but don't listen to anyone telling you it's too long. Brilliant effort mate.
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I was laughing pretty hard through the beginning - sounds like a joke my boyfriend and I would use with each other. LOL But I must admit I was skimming after the 6th stanza. Just too long for my taste. I like a humorous story/poem like this to be tighter. But it's just my personal preferece.
Good luck. -
Excellant lol/sensuous
Weird, strange and out rageous. but I thoroughly enjoyed it. -
Thanks for the laugh this morning David.
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Hehehe seems Edna likes it and it is her (I mean his) contest. Course I love it. And the title is most most excellent and caught my eye and pulled me in saying, "click it...click it." You're de bomb.
Desiree
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From this point the poem inticed me and forced me into laughter:
"That’s where I made my first mistake
The second coming through her gate
There she threw an iron grate
Screaming, “COCKSUCKER!!! HOPE YOU DIE!”
She continued on with some words
Though I was concussed and never heard
I think ‘pencil dick’ and ‘utter turd’
Were mentioned once or twice"
The humour is utterly shamefull but it is so amusing and you'd have to have a sould of stone to read this piece and not smile at least once.
~ Aaron -
he he very funny
ang -
A different poem.
Well I think every available word you could use came up here. Myself Clementine would have been dead before the first round. But then the humor is that while men are being trashed they always go back for more. That Clementine would have sunk with her number nines. Funny though. -
Oh brilliant! I love this. At first I have to sayI was taken aback but as I read on i got so intrigued I read right to the end....and that was worth it I can tell you! I loved the line that Clementine would have said'Fuck off you're standing on my Shrine'. All the best for this contest.
This piece is so very different to anything I have read so far -
You have painted a picture in my mind so vividly of her and of poor ole him........laughing.....this was full of humor and I must say it was a wonderful write.
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Oh mercy, please I can't laugh no more. The tears are tripping me. Great stuff, loved it.
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This is totally and utterly over the top. Take that as a compliment. I can see I shall have a problem judging this contest. I thought it was easy until now.
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