The sun sets low in the horizon sky,
Its blood red tears flowing high,
As the patchy clouds clear away the light,
Thus begins the song of night.
The clear notes ring out as the moon sheds her shawl,
No longer is she forced to crawl,
The goddess runs across the sky,
But cheer the crying sun she does nigh.
The tearful god grows sad and cold,
His flames, his heat, his bold
Song become lost in tears and sorrow,
Which will last only until tomorrow.
Dusk is a time of inpending night,
The beginning of an eternal fight,
Between the water goddess and the fire god,
Between the dragon and freshwater cod.
Anger blazes down into the abyss,
Where the crying sun is seeking bliss,
Up above the notes ring out with joy,
The moon goddess is happy and pink and coy!
A gentle flame licks across the sky,
Its time to resolve the lies,
Of the horrible goddess of the night,
Who kills the harvest and brings the blight.
The sun rises up and seizes the night,
Beginning the eternal fight,
The goddess fights back with nightshade,
But the god refuses to be disobeyed.
The flaming god grabs the nearest shawl,
And wraps it around the stupid bawl,
She stops her struggling, covered once more,
As she's ravaged from within, her resistence tore.
She cries out as light blooms across her face,
As she descends back into space,
To the stars she gets so near,
She then retakes the shape of a sphere.
The moonflowers down below close up,
As the tide descends into the cup,
From which the fiery god drinks his fill,
And rises into the skies way uphill.
Down below he nods to the sleeping one,
How it can be so much fun,
They fight and fight and yet still love,
Their marriage as subtle as a dove.
One is dark the other light,
One rules day the other night,
But only with dusk comes the lament of the sun,
As his wife walks off to become the one.
He looks down into the sky so clear,
"Until tomorrow then, my dear."
Author notes
Written August 7th, 2006
A contest entry
- Anything! by Lady Michaella.
600 points, ended July 13, 2008, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Lonliness with hope in the moon by Shipwreck.
600 points, ended July 22, 2008, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Eclipse Contest by SuicidalLover.
300 points, ended August 1, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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Quite well done for a young age.. As a personal preference I don't like to see first letter caps. A lot of action in this piece. Good job!
Paul
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so so so so so so so so
I'm not sure "horizon sky" is exactly fluid-- Although...so many words rhyme with sky...
"But cheer the crying sun she does nigh." Simply put, pitiable, I would spend an hour looking for any other sequence of words in the world besides these.
"dragon, and fresh water cod..." humorous for sure!
And then some off syllable counts and wickedly hilarious stretches to keep rhymes intact.
Did you write a poem or follow rhymes wherever they may lead? Much to the detriment of art....
Forgive my candid observations, I am here to break hearts and maim dreams.
If I never win another contest on account of my honesty, it will be to soon.
If you are young, keep plugging away. If you are old, may the L-rd have mercy on your soul. And if you are angry, think of all the things I could have said about this piece but didn't.
I feel really bad for saying all of that, I'm not heartless after all. Its like shooting a bird with a broken wing--you shed a tear, but its merciful. -
"Thus begins the song of night." as well as the whole first stanaza is constructed very well. It is very rhythmical and i enjoy the use of the sun, and time.
This was stunning, amazing, perfect. I am so pleased with this - i personally hate rhyming poems and long ones but you have just changed my mind. MIND BLOWING. all the twists, the AMAZING imagery. I can not descirbe it. simply fantastic.
All the best in the contest
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Thanks for entering! Absolutely stunning imagery! I loved reading this.
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