It was something I was searching for,
It was something I had found.
It was something I lost,
And it knocked me to the ground.
It made feel like i was real,
like a cloud in the sky.
i felt so in love,
and i would never tell you goodbye.
It brings me hope,
and it brings me fear.
and I'm never afraid,
when you are here.
And Every time I see you,
My lungs forget to breathe.
You wake me from a love-struck trance,
You teach my eyes to see.
I love feeling this way,
Its like I'm floating in the sea.
but I'm not so happy,
because we can never be.
Even though i love you,
more than you'll ever know.
they wont see our love,
but my love for you will always grow.
So take this note and keep it near,
and take my heart.
and take my kiss,
and know i loved you from the start
Author notes
Written August 6th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Alright you asked for a critical comment... Sooo... As another comment said you had a couple reachy rhymes ... nothing too bad in that department though.. I've seen much much worse. For rhythm you have a couple lines that are too short here and there... you can neaten those up pretty easily though and it'll be something you'll get really good at in no time at all.
Oh and reread stanza 2... I think you have a typo or a missing word
Stanza 4 is perfect though, both in form and content
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Well, I have to say I'm feeling as though the meter&rhyme sceme are getting in the way of your emotions. Some of the first versus sounded kind of forced (#2), and it seems like you've edited this many times, more to the point of overworking it. However, I do believe the emotion itself is real and that this has some potential if it were started back at square one. I did like the last verse and the materializing of this poem as a love note/letter.
Good piece&keep writing,
ES -
Awesome work here, as I said before was wanting to read more of your works. I really do'nt have any quips with the poem perhaps with the slight clash of the backgroud and font colour. Other than that, things are great.
Keep up the great work, keep writing.
Cheers
-Kal 24 -
I can really relate to this one. I love it, it's so intense yet so sweet and subtle. I also love your background ^_^
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good
very good great job and awesome work hope to read alot more in the future alota feeling and alota heart mixed in great job
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