Giving you what once was mine;
my soul to drink
the tears to show
I became a doll
thrown away when broken
given away when useless
How I became this way
You used to remember me
Now you need my name to say
I tell you to call my name
But how to call when nameless?
Deep inside you used to know
But how to know when doubting?
You used to know me
But who am I
If you need my name
To recognize
Author notes
i used to have a friend, but i'm starting to doubt if she even know me beyond my name .. that's why
Enjoy
Written August 6th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
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Faithful Dreamer gave some excellent suggestions to reduce the redundancy in your words. I do however understand and relate to the sentiments, and feel the puzzlement you are experiencing from this friends behavior.
It is good that you do not resist suggestions on writing. We must learn something new each day. After viewing your author page, it appears that you are a mature 13 year old. Good for you. You have graciously accepted help from a fellow poet, and that is commendable.
Keep challenging yourself Poet. You have great potential. Loved the thought process in these words.
Thank you kindly reading, commenting, and for supporting my efforts to scribe at least a poems per day. Your support is appreciated.
Much LOVE ♥
Renee
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thanks! I'm going to change some of your suggestions! it really helps ..
~Omichi -
Hi and thanks for dropping by. I'm glad you decided to join the fun. Ah yes...we all have 'friends' like that. It's never a good situation no matter the case. But anyways, moving on:
Lets start with the first stanza:
'Giving in what once was mine
Giving you my soul to drink
Giving in the tears to show'
while in some cases it is fine to show repetion in poems in order to make a point, in many and most cases it's not needed. For example, in the poem I'd try something like;
Giving you;
what once was mine,
my soul to drink,
the tears to show.
This gets rid of the repetion without deluding the purpose of the poem.
The second stanza:
"I became no more then a doll
A doll to be thrown away when broken
A doll to be given away when useless"
Again with the repetion. It can be avioded as well as the wordiness in the first line by simply switching it up a bit. Try:
I became a doll,
thrown away when broken,
given away when useless.
See how the sentences mean the same thing, but use less words? That's what we're shooting for.
NOw the next two stanzas are very hard for me to read clearly:
'Oh, how I became this way
You used to remember me
Now you need my name to say
I tell you to call my name
But how to call when nameless
Deep inside you used to know
But how to know when doubting'
Starting with the first stanza:
How I became this way?
You used to remember me...
Now you need my name to say.
I'm not quite sure of the last line and what you're trying to say. That's for you to decide about.
I tell you to call for me
But how can you when I'm nameless?
Deep inside you used to know,
But how to know when doubting.
Here I just tried to make the stanza a little more reader-friendly.
All of these are just suggestions. It's up to you whether to change them or not.
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wooooowwww..great words here'..uuhhh..sh.t I forgot your name
No serious.. I really loved it, its a deep write..lovely.
This part captured my double attention :
You used to know me
But who am I
If you need my name
To recognize me
Just great work Omichi
xxJeannette
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