Across the dancefloor-
cigarette smoke
swirls.
From painted lips
she pouts-
her sparkling eyes
beckon me.
She looks beautiful.
I make my way over
transfixed-
but as i take a seat,
she turns away.
Her long red hair
veils her smiling face-
it matches her lipstick.
Her friends look at me
they all laugh.
I don't say a word-
I leave my drink
then calmly walk outside.
And wait.
The clock chimes twice-
she won't be long.
She's here...
I watch her leave-
she doesn't see me.
I follow her round the corner.
Picking up the pace
as I close in on her-
my blade reflects in shop windows
as I march.
I grab her hair-
pull her head back,
then gently draw the warm steel across her throat.
She gasps-
as she slumps to the ground,
her head hits the pavement with a crack.
She's not laughing any more.
I stand and watch her-
her eyes stare back at me.
Blood seeps from her neck-
down her cleavage,
and onto the road.
I smile.
It matches her lipstick.
Author notes
Dani is awsome
Written August 5th, 2006
A contest entry
- dark and depressing by gothangel.
380 points, ended February 10, 2007, 23 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your best shot by Freakish-Lizzie.
475 points, ended March 3, 2007, 29 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - anything dark is good! by Gasp.
1500 points, ended April 8, 2007, 30 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Murder by Blossom.
350 points, ended May 3, 2007, 20 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - GIVE ME DARKNESS!!! by joleahe.
314 points, ended April 26, 2007, 22 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Darkness over takes you and me by ur worse nightmare.
450 points, ended May 31, 2007, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Sick and Twisted 3 by Acidanthra.
700 points, ended August 17, 2007, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Digital Lunacy by Synthetic-Nightmare.
1410 points, ended October 16, 2007, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Quest For The Darkest Writer In Town! by LadyDementia.
1050 points, ended January 25, 2008, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Darkwrite Challenge ~Round 1~ by Ktulu Blackwolfe.
425 points, ended January 27, 2008, 20 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Shiver by IFeedFromHisKiss.
942 points, ended January 31, 2008, 16 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PREWRITES!!!!!! by Luminescence.
450 points, ended March 5, 2008, 69 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Taking it out on you... by Flightless Raven.
1200 points, ended February 14, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love Gone Awry by SatanicTemptation09.
800 points, ended February 12, 2008, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark Poems Needed by xXnotXbrokenXx.
850 points, ended March 13, 2008, 28 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Terrify me..... by SignifyingNothing.
750 points, ended March 14, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Lost and forgotten by urapns66.
450 points, ended March 28, 2008, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bloody Thoughts by SpiritDarkmaiden.
1200 points, ended June 29, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - An Elegant Murder by misterfish.
700 points, ended December 5, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Sadistic Intent by Synthetic-Nightmare.
1200 points, ended January 6, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show me your best horror side by Short but cute.
1050 points, ended March 16, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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CREEPY! Awesome write.
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YEAH....
definitely finalist worthy. The method of death is how i would choose to die if i had that ability to pick how i'd burn out of this world once it's my time. I loved and still lvoe everything about this! Thanks for entering it -
Wonderful...I keep finding really good poems in this contest. This is a brilliant poem. An elegant murder indeed! Thanks for entering and good luck!
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I can see why this piece has won so many trophy's. It is that good a write. One you must be very proud of writing. I am sure you will receive many more trophy's in the contest you enter.
Have a look at my entry's:
The Hitchhiker: http://allpoetry.com/poem/3763574
The Pastor: http://allpoetry.com/poem/3772812
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WOW! This was GREAT! Amazing! I loved it and the title. Extremely clever. This should get another trophy in this contest! Congrats on all the rest and good luck to you!
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WOW---Very Very Dark and so intense!
Totally Brutal!
It matches her lipstick ---Really clever and morbid.
Well - Deserving of all the previous awards and destined to win many more>
Well Done & Best of luck in the contest!
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This one should get the gold. Simple, somewhat elegant, and brutal as can be..
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Descriptive and dark. Well written, the end works well. I can't say that I enjoyed this poem though - it's not my genre.
My poem: http://allpoetry.com/poem/2795246
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WOW....And can I just say "WOW!"? Didn't see THAT coming! I LOVE this! Starts out so innocently. A casual incounter at a bar and then turns so totally dark so abruptly. This one not only sent a chill down my spine but really got my blood pumping! My kind of poet! Again - I love this! Awsome work!
http://allpoetry.com/poem/4647343
http://allpoetry.com/poem/4644259
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I guess you should pick the people you piss off wisely. I love the "It matches her lipstick" part at the end lol. Thank you for taking the time to enter this, greatly appreciated.
Bloody wishes
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well done
wow this poem really speaks to a lot of different aspects of dark. well done. and good luck
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You've won quite a few trophies with this one, and apparently impressed a lot of people. I, for one, feel that the poem is lacking. For one thing, there is no motive for this murder. I don't feel like I am inside the killer's head. For another, there is no real imagery. Besides the observation of blood matching her read hair, which I've seen done in other poems before, the piece is just kind of there. I am reading this but I'm just not feeling it.
But thank you for entering. Obviously others have been more impressed than me. -
Wow this is great, keep up the good work =)
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The poem is good and might even make a good song, but it wasn't great. It was interesting, but not brilliant. There wasn't much artistic craft. Though the story and the use of repetition was enticing.
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holy crap. this was good. EEEKK!!! I" LETTING A MURDERER IN!!!! hehe. lol. just kidding.
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This was definitely an original take on love gone awry.
Overall great flow, the way it was worded enhanced the poem. Great job on the title and encorporating it into the poem.
I especially liked:
then gently draw the warm steel across her throat
Blood seeps from her neck
I smile
It matches her lipstick
Thank you for entering -
*laughing maniacly*
this was absolutely awesome....though concidering the ammount of trophies this has gotten, i guess you knew that.
-
~
oh wow... this is definatly one of your best judging from the amount of trophies that you have recieved from this poem.... I do like this poem a lot.... it is a little creepy though...... lol okay it is very creepy. Knowing that it wasn't his first time is what is the creepiest.... because his friends smiled.... creepy... lol
Good luck in the contest.
~Lumin
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Well holy shit you've won a lot of trophies with this, and you totally deserve it. You skillfully told a story poetically... wonderful write, best of luck in the contest.
♥
whisper
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this is great
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so wicked to enjoy and very deserving
of the simplistic beauty of a good dark write!
Cleverly done and smartly written.
Excellent job dear poet, just excellent!
ears2hearyou
Kathleen : )) much to learn and enjoy in this poem!
May have to sharpen my keyboard for round two!
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Whoa! Definately evil. Revenge is sweet, congrats on the trophies galor....well deserved.
**Ktulu Blackwolfe** -
This gave me goosebumps!!
great work!
Good luck!
~Pastel
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A very good piece, talk about pay back! Hehe, neat idea...Very well penned! Thank you for your wonderful entry and good luck in my contest
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Excellent!
This is very dark and your message is clear. She got what was coming to her.
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Just picturing this was a bit creepy. I can see it in my head like it was a movie and hoenstly if it was I'd see it. You did a great job with imagery and setting the mood. Great job.
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O.O
HOLY-MOTHER-FUCKIN SHIT! I think i'd orgasm if this ever happened to me!!! hahaha.
*i'm so sick, LOL*
This is amazing, holy shit this is good! I love everything about this and you DEFINITELY GET KUDOS FOR THE WEAPON, the imagery and method of death. This was hot as fuck, just.....WOW......WOW. I'd leave a comment on this even if it WASN'T entered into my contest. THis is great.
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I believe I have seen this poem in my previous contest and rather liked it.
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wow i love this
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ooooo... i have no word for this except bravo
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Now who's laughing, lol. Twisted and dark, love those combined. She gave him the false pretense that she wanted him and simply turned him away while her friends made a joke out of him. He then follows her and makes her pay. Nicely illustrated. Good write and good luck.
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a tale of what a simple gesture can do to the unstable, a smile and then gone, a life taken for nothing, happens so much amazing what goes through peoples heads, awesome write so discriptive adn also a reality.
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This is great! You took me on a journey through what I believed was going to be love, then all of a sudden, you twisted my mind. Great write and awesome take on the prompt!!
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OH HOLY CANOLI! This a movie..or just my sick twisted lil brosef??? Love you, love it! Good luck! From now I am wearing JUST Clear lip gloss.....
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oh..I LOVE this poiem thanks sooooooooooooooooooo much for entering...I love it I love it I loveit!!!!!!
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WOW!!...um....I'm speechless. I thought this was awesome!! No wonder it won so many contests. I am a fan!!! It seemed like a scence from a movie. Wonderful Job!!!
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oh ... wow ... hmm this was different i hope you didn't do this for real :s well its a good write anyway keep it up thank you for entering
~*Mary*~
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wow it is such a delight to read that it is wonderful it painted a picture like a canvas in my mind it is brilliant my friend well done
nightmare xx
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I like this. Loads of emotion displayed here. This red is intriguing. Keep your pen flowing and good luck.
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Wow, the irony in this is really unique. The emotion is clearly portrayed. The imagery is intense and bittersweet. Thank you for entering and good luck.
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wow.
THAT was ironic. I really liked this piece... it was dark and "disasterous"
this is the kind of reading I go for... it was somewhat gorey, it was ironic, and it had EMOTION in it. everyone knows that EMO is short for EMOTIONAL.
also, this piece flwoed very nicely in transition. I really enjoyed teh ending.... the repition of the line
"it mathces her lipstick"
that really caught my attention!
that you so mcuh for this lovely piece ( so lovely that it is now on the finalists' list!
)
~Lee -
cool it sounds like a scene from and old movie i like it, however it doesn't flow very well, it seems more like a monologue than a poem, but ya i like it good jo
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o wow. this is wonderfully sudductive. quite a write. nice emotion. wonderful title. wonderful imagery. i loved it.
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good poetry- it is evident that you worked on this. I really wish I could have felt more emotions.
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allow my mind to brew over this.....
(thats a compliment) -
Definitely good, and the Antichrist. Wonderfully morbid and evil poem. This is what we were looking for! I like the way this flowed down the page telling a story. Keep it up!! and Good Luck!
Angel
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wow. very nice! I loved it! it keeps you reading. great job and good luck.
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Very nice write. I love everything about it. Especially the ending. Good luck.
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Wow, this is quite amazing. It had me gripped from start to finish, great imagery too. Very dark, I didn't expect him to do that! It really gets you into his head, amazing write!
Good luck with the contest(s) -
wow!! that had me hooked from the beginning...wow just amazing write
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awsome write thank you and good luck
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not too shabby. but i was looking for something a little more eye catching, a little less casual. thanks for entering though!
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i absalutly love this!! i love the ending the best, and this is exactly what i was looking for thank you for giving me a great poem to read! =)
~keep writing~ -
PS.
Extra points because I knew what the ending would be & about the matching blood and you still kept my attention <3 -
Wow
I LOVE THIS. It is not only disturbing, but it is entrancing. I feel like I am in the mind of a psychopath. <3 I love love it. =] & the dark red font matches my lipstick hehe.
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this was a good poem..very descriptive and the metaphors were beautiful..you wrote a fabulous poem..the flow was smooth and the poem great and the ending was very powerful..keep writting your very talented and good luck in the contest
~Chrissy~ -
wow
yeah..I think that you just wiped my poem out of the competition...this piece was simply amazing. Best of luck in the contest
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wow. love it.
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Darkness to the extreme. Love the way you have put yourself into the killers point of view and used the beautiful imagery of the lipstick twice but in two different ways. Neato.
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Beautiful
Interesting topic... interesting use of words.
I love the image this is kind of what I was looking for
Good luck in the contest
Ryan
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wow
well that was interesting -
hahaha I wasn't sure of this at first, but I lovelovelove the ending!!! It was great.
I did like this poem, but it was a bit lacking in the imagery, and, not so much dirty-pretty as merely an ironic tragedy. I did love it though, so good job!
~Slip~ -
wow what a deviantly sick poem! I loved the different situations that you used with the same description! I loved the way you described things and it was just sick and beautiful! Thank you for entering and good luck in my contest!
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WOW, this is really good. Thank you so much for sharing this write, it has such deep emotion I really like the idea of she's not laughing anymore!
good luck in my contest. -
this is a very dark poem that you have written
Damn, While reading this it felt as if I was actually there, with the knife slicing over this poor women her throat.
Very well written - thank you for entering this contest! -
Hmmmmm. Well I'd say this is a pretty dark and twisted poem. You had me going there for awhile, at first I didn't think the poem was that dark. Until he followed her, and then came the blood. And your last two lines made me smile. Well done. Good luck
~Oka
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beatifully writtin. thank you for entering my contest and good luck...
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Wow, how dark. I loved the imagery. It was amazing. I could see every part of the scene play out. Thanks for sharing.
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Nail on the Head
That's it! Thank you for starting this contest off so well, that was exactaly the kind of thing I was looking for! Thank you very much for your entry! I liked it a lot.
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Ah I was wondering what was going to match her lipstick, And found it at the end of your write.
a very chilling write,
Thanks for sharing.
Warm thoughts
Frozentearz -
This is a very interesting piece. You tell your story well and you can almost see the whole scene in your mind as you read. I loved the repetition. The only thing that didn't sit well with me was the capitalision. You had it in spots and not in others.
But either way, thankyou for entering
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Sounds like a fun night! Well done.
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nicely written nice description thank you for entering my contest and good luck!!! keep up the good work
~tearstaindangel~ -
Ohhkaaayy... Scary... Remind me to never piss you off or laugh anywhere near you... Anyway, great job and good luck in that looong list of contests you've entered.
jan
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i came for another peek at this very exelent write, good luck in the contest
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exelent
now this is a very good dark write it has a great feel to it,real substance and not just a hint of darkness but a full eclipse of the sun and i love it there is nothing i would change about this,good luck in the contest and thank you for entering
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Very dark
As I read this poem it brings the message home "do unto others as you would have done unto you". Being mean or unfair to the wrong person could be fatal as reflected in your poem.
The poem is fluid and I like the storyline you have followed.
Let the ink flow and your fingers dance.
Rosemary -
WOW, now that, that was dark! Sadistic, and raw. Great write.
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As I started reading this, I wasn't expecting it to turn dark, but I did, and I Love it, Wow..."it matches her lipstick." Just amazing. Good luck in my contest.
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Wow, I was not expecting that. When I began reading I thought this was going to be about the happiness of love.
I enjoyed reading this a lot.
Great write,
Thank you for your entry,
And
Best of Luck! -
Great write. I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for the entry.
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thanks for your kind words,
floorboards
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OMG I LOVE this! this is so scary and yet so darkly beautiful. I LOVE the last line. it is so perfect and so matter of fact but scary. lol. i'm not making much sense here, but suffice it to say you're very talented and i really enjoyed this poem.
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I mildly enjoyed this. I really despised reading about the "warm steel" across her throat, not sure why, but it took away from it all for me. Anyway. I like the vengeful stalker prospective, always a favorite of mine to read. And of course, the blood matching her lipstick, priceless. Good job.
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hahaha! cheers sweetie!
alex
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Gosh Alex! You beasty you! [wipes me red lipstick off] Quite a turn in this! Good stuff though! Jan
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Now this would have been perfect for a dark contest I recently held. I like it a lot. Imagery is good. Thanks for entering.
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I won't be awarding this one a prize, as it appears it's already won once, but if it hadn't, it would be in the running. Though I suggest you fix the punctuation a little.
Thanks for entering, good luck.
Edited on Aug 13, 10:48 because ''. -
Alex,
Congratulations on the gold and on moving on to round three. Of all the poems posted in this round I knew this one would give mine a run for its money A well deserved win and advancement. I guess my road ends here...good luck to you in the final run. From what I've seen so far you're probably a shoe in
Ruth -
awesome
Dear Alex
That was a FANTASTIC WRITE...U can mark my words on that..the blood on the floor...matches the lipstick she wore...OMG! I loved this..no wonder u wanted to chose lip stick u murderer...well I like the description style and the flow..I was so awed,...I could predict it however when I came to the end...I was like wow..the way u described her smile being wiped off and the blood trickling down made me really like this poem.. u knew I would like it if it was dark...I always do...
..anyways thanks for entering and good luck to ya...
~~~PREETI~~~
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thanks ruth, very much appreciated,
floorboards. -
Very chilling but wonderful use of imagery and the repitition of the line " it matches her lipstick" carried the poem along well and ties everything together. My only suggestion to this would be to put a few of the lines together here and there and improve on the form...as it is it seems too spread out and somehow more difficult to read. I agree that there are lines, such as the final line, that need to be seperated from the remainder strickly for emphasis.
Best wishes in the contest
Ruth -
thanks again,much appreciated,
floorboards. -
Wow good style my friend, I love it how you just put them lines together Marevlous
~Radio Sirens4 Death -
heehee, thank you alleksa jan,
much appreciated,
floorboards. -
darkly gracious
Now this one has such an unexpected turn to it - you know, there I was reading the first few lines and getting bored (sorry, I'm not much into love poetry), as suddenly you plunge me into darkness so violently that I could hardly catch my breath! Graciously wicked!
"It matches her lipstick" - man, these words now haunt me down! You did an awesome job!
Write on! -
heehee, thank you very much loveboots for your wonderful comments, they are very much appreciated,
floorboards.
p.s, send me a link to one of your poems and i'll do my best to critique it
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I really like the take you have used, I would never have thought to do anything like this with the word "lipstick" its really original and has a great twist to it, it does not follow the path I expected it to at all - I like that very much.
I am here as I think you asked from crit from the group - so:
I'm not sure I would put it in category "love"??
I didn't think it read so much as a poem - not as I would expect poetry anyway - and this is purely a personal opinion, I don't expect you to agree! It reads as a very short story, rather than a poem, if you wrote it out word for word as it is, but arranged on the page as prose it would read beautifully. That suggests to me that it has not been constructed strickly speaking as a "poem". I'm not sure what experience you want the reader to have, but that was how I felt.
I don't know if this is helpful - feel free to ignore me!
LB
x
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Chilling with an unexpected turn there! I liked the repetition on the lipstick part. Very good piece. Nice imagery, surprising, captivating.
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