DISCLAIMER: This poem contains race-sensitive content that is likely to offend some people. I am not racist, nor do I endorse the views expressed in the poem; if anything, I think generalizations and stereotypes of this caliber are a mark of ignorance. I think "gangsta" culture is stupid and deserved to be demeaned, not black people. Plus, it was inspired by Clerks 2, which is a comedy. This is intended to be in the same spirit as that movie. Humor in poor taste. If you're sensitive to race issues, don't read it.
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So here we go
Rollin’ in my impala
We see some hoes
Man you know we gotta holla
Cuz I’m a porch monkey
Been a nigger since I was born
All the bitches wanna piece o’ this
That’s why the pigs give me scorn!
I got a gat,
And I like to play craps
When I see my homeboy Jay-C
You know I give that boy daps
___
[Chorus 1]
Cuz I’m a porch monkey
Yeeeeeaaaahhhh
I down KFC and watermelon
And you know that I be smellin’
Cuz I’m a porch monkey
Motherfucker!
Porch monkey 4 Life!
I rob liquor stores
And I cheat on my wife!
Cuz I’m a porch monkey!!!
Whaaat????
You step on my shoe?
Motherfucker I kill you!
Yeah
___
Yeeeaahhh
Cuz I’m a craaazy nigger
Been down to New Orleans
I keep a rocket in my pocket
For killin’ faggots and queens
So don’t you homo thugs gimme
Nunna dat love,
Cuz god aint with you
As I hit you,
Bullets raining down from above
Shot a cop once,
Then I jacked his shit
Smacked a bitch up, load my clip up
Then go home and eat gritssss
___
[Chorus 2]
Cuz Im a porch monkey!
Uhhh!!!
Man we’re takin it back
Sellin’ coke in the streets, dawg
Cuz you know we is black
Cuz I’m a porch monkey!
Motherfucker
We BBQ like proooos
We drive with 20-inch rims
And wear oversized clothes
Cuz I’m a porch monkey!
NIGGER!
I been arrested thirty-two times
I take up half Santa’s naughty list
With killins and crimes
___
Negro what? Been livin off da food stamp
Sittin on my porch so much nigga I been getting a cramp
So don’t put no sheeny curse on me if I talk smack aboutcha crew
I aint got no love for no penny-pinchin Jew!!!
I keeps it real
Eatin’ three course meals
McNuggets, crack and menthols
And anything I can steal
I keeps it fresh
I wear the hottest brands
My ice is so nice
Bitches left in a trance
[Chorus 1]
[Chorus 2]
Porch Monkey 4 Life!
Author notes
DISCLAIMER: I am NOT racist. This poem is a JOKE. This piece makes abundant use of racial slurs but it's intended to be from the perspective of a black person themselves, a very stupid one, obviously. Crap like menthol jokes flies on the Dave Chapelle show, and it should be able to fly here without people getting in an uproar. It has a specific purpose: to be stupid, funny, and non-PC, NOT to promote racism. I am a student with a strong background in science - including anthropology - with an interst in evolutionary biology; I do not recognize "race" as a valid biological concept nor do I think any race is better or worse than any other. That includes black people. If anything, how I personally feel is not reflected in this poem except to a minor extent: I look down on "gangsta" culture because I see it as detrimental to the progress black Americans have made by glorifying a false image of a criminal lifestyle. This has nothing to do with race. White people are as readily drawn into the idiotic trends of the day as blacks, even if the main target tends to be blacks. At any rate, I want to make it very clear that I'm not racist, am not promoting racism, and do not want to be accused of it; posting something doesn't mean you have to endorse the views in it, especially if it's a parody. For example, I wrote a parody on murdering and killing atheists. No issue with that. This is a subject people are very sensitive about, so tread cautiously. Also the stupid comment about a sheeny curse and Jews is a reference to Clerks; it's not to be taken seriously. Chill. I'm not "anti-semitic" like Mel Gibson.
Written August 4th, 2006
A contest entry
- Edna's slightly CENSORED but still RATHER NON-PC Competition by Edna Sweetlove.
400 points, ended August 15, 2006, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Amen to this! To all you useless pieces of shit that cant understand that this is meant to be offensive to make a satirical point, you need to lighten up. Way to stick to your guns Glacian! By the way I love your overall style of writing too! (the serious ones i meant) What ever! Nice job, and you pissed a few people off. To me the only reason anyone would be pissed off becasue they probably know deep down that the sad bit is, is this acutally could be a Gangsta Rap song! very well done!
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Bah I missed all the fun because they moved the comments
Oh wow.. mmmm I want to pick a fight because I'm just in a mood but i should probably bite my tongue lest my head is riped off by one of these Racist-a-phoebes - yes i made that word up- but it works so i'll use it.
You know what really pisses me off, these people clame that YOU do not have any understanding and are making assumptions and all of the other bullshit that they heaped up in their comments and MOST of that shit contained assumptions about you and your persona which are completely off the mark. but ah well you knew you would get this type of shit when you wrote it. (hence the forking hour long disclaimers)
anyway i'm gonna shut up now before i draw tooo much attention to myself
~your poison -
cute
Heh, it's good you have a good page worth of disclaimers or you'd have those exact people would roll in here and busta cap in yo ass...
I agree with you completely i have a few friends whose lives are complicated so much by the stereo type set by their "peers" that i get very VERY agree when i actually encounter one of those idiots!
in any case i like your little poem here
~ your poison -
E A Collins, when I dropped out of high school I immediately got my GED and enrolled in college, at 16. I just received my college degree, at 20. I'm a dual-majored philosophy/biology student with a 4.0 GPA, so you can take your condescending remarks about my living in a "trailer" and go shove them. You can't evaluate people's personal mental states nor their personality effectively over the internet, but you're welcome to try, my "fantasy" response notwithstanding.
This piece of writing here is not in any way associated with feelings of pride. Where did you come up with this nonsense? You say not to take it as "judgement [sic]", yet you imply that I have a childhood state of mind and that I am trailer trash living with my parents who and don't do anything with my life. Yeah that's real nice, just the type of thing counselers should be saying to people. -
I am facinated by people who are proud of their inability to get along with others. What is the motivation, I wonder? Are they truely fixated so deeply into self gratification (the two year old stage of development that repeats itself in the teen years, or is this all a wall to hide their own feelings of incompetence? These are just observations, from one who works every day with people who wear their shortcomings with imagined pride. Do not take this as judgement, but what do you do with yourself besides what we have seen? I see the base humor in what you write, but what about mocking yourself as well. Did you not confess to being a "high school drop out". Do you live at home, or in a trailer, or with "friends"? You can create any fantasy response you wish. We will draw our own conclusions.
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It bothers me that LOL has become a mode of communication.
You're so offensive it makes me sick. But oh. I love you.
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Oh, and to each his/her own. Theatre helps pay my bills. LOL
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You are quite the caricature to say the least.
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"there is nothing here but a tasteless, racist work of foolishness."
Exactly.
Wasn't that the point? Offensive and tasteless? I don't think my goal and your desires were on the same wavelength, but hey. The whole POINT is that it is incredibly offensive, disgusting, and horrible. I'll let you in on a little secret! I am also
"McNasty and LB":
allpoetry.com/Poets/McNasty%20and%20LB
I've actually written several dozen pieces of this garbage, and have done so for the past few years. I make no pretensions that it's "good" material, or that there is any underlying wittiness to it. It's crap, and I'm fully cognizant of that. What's most amusing is when people actually like it. You know how much of a kick you can get out of that? In any case, I've entered a few contests in a sort of half-assed effort (somewhat in protest, at times) and people I find are disappointed when I don't live up to their expectations; but the funny thing is that I wasn't aware any of these people had expectations of me nor do I have any idea where they came from. Not much of my writing on this site has been particularly profound; virtually all of it is in essays that aren't posted here because this is a poetry site, not an essay site.
I don't much care for poetry, or the arts. I can't paint, I think theatrics and plays are stupid and boring (I read about three paragraphs of your link, couldn't go anymore. I hate plays.) and I think just about everything associated with the fluffy, verbose, obscure vocabularies wielded by poets is entirely in the spirit of generating a mask of feigned profundity. It's fake. That type of poetry sucks. Most of my work is metal/industrial lyrics and parodies that use simple rhyme schemes. I'm of the opinion that if you have a point, make it as clear and lucid as possible, don't beat around the damn bush, and it seems the entire project of poetry is often to beat around as many bushes as possible.
Anyway, I encourage "misconduct" because I believe the spirit of freedom is to be found in rebelliousness, and often in shocking and disgusting people with outrageous, obnoxious material. That's why Jay & Silent Bob, along with Beavis & Butthead, are heroes of mine. People often scoff at their crude humor, but I think the pretentiousness lies with uptight cranks who have sticks so far up their asses they think they're above the vulgarities of human nature. There's nothing pretentious about a fart joke or a racist joke.
I'm really not sure where exactly you're coming from. Maybe you have the false impression - despite my disclaimer and author comment, which was precisely for the point of disarming such notions - that I actually share opinions with the perspective of this poem, if so, if you have some idea about my views I'd be happy to clarify. I certainly HAVEN'T missed the point of "black culture" and I'm if one were to assume from this work that I was totally ignorant about the "black experience" (perhaps I am, but in the sense that I'm not black), they'd be quite wrong - in fact, I'd accuse them of entirely missing the point I'm trying to make here. And regarding the use of "porch monkey" - don't say I didn't warn you; you'd definitely have to see Clerks 2 to know what the deal with that is, but I think it's a great word. It's so ridiculous that people find words like that offensive. The last straw before I left High School for good, they wanted to suspend me. I said the dreaded "F" word. When the teacher told me you weren't allowed to say fuck, I said why not? Then proceeded to say it repeatedly until security arrived to escort me from the room. If we continue to pummel home this type of drivel ad nauseum people just may come to the epiphany that it is not the language used, but the spirit in which it is used, that lends to it the taint of racism, bigotry, and obscenity.
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I am a Thespian, and have performed in many satires. One that comes to mind is; "The Colored Museum" by George C. Wolfe (a Black playwright).
query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9A0DE7DA1731F930A35752C1A960948260
My reaction to this so-called rap is disgust, not just the fact that you could even bring yourself to write such a thing so flagrantly (with a disclaimer) LOL
I simply shake my head at the pretensiousness but still give you all the rights in the world to discredit your talents with something that is not satirical or amusing. I guess I expected more from you is all Glacian. To encourage this kind of misconduct is worst than most things you've said (that I have read) about Christianity thus far.
I am highly offended but then lots of the now-a-day rap lyrics offend me. But none such as this, especially the reference to "porch monkey". What year is this, haven't heard that racist tag since I was a kid.
For me, it is best to know where people stand. "Disclaimer" or not, there is nothing here but a tasteless, racist work of foolishness. Just my take, don't let it stop your mission.
I wonder how it would be if the shoe were on the other foot, and I wrote a poem (rap) about white people who think they have a sense of the black experience but are totally mislead in thought and deed?
Renee -
This is really rather clever. Well written! The horrifying things about this entry are....
1] It is nearly too near the truth of rap to be satire;
2] That it is necessary to emphasise that it is a joke rather than a racialist slur. Some people are so dim that they wouldn't recognise satire if it came and pee'ed on their leg. -
Dude, I fucking loved it! I laughed, a lot. lol. It was awesome and very very funny!
You rule!
Peace
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