A small- emaciated child
Squats upon the sand
And dreams of lush green gardens
That spread across the land
Skin and nothing more
Shrouds wistful aching bones
But he’s focused in his vision
Tuning out all hungry moans
There is so much to eat
Large fruit adorn the plants
The illusion starts to waver
As he hears his mothers chants
But his will is stronger
Than his undernourished flesh
And he begins to eat the fruit
While it’s warm and ripe and fresh
He stands in his mirage
And vows to find a way
To ensure that every child
Eats each and everyday
(Do not underrate the strength
Of this potent wee one’s pledge
To bring his world of fantasy
Back from abysm’s edge)
A small- emaciated child
Lives a life he should abhor
But, he doesn’t even feel
The gnawing hunger anymore
Patricia Gibson-Little
April 8, 2003
Author notes
I hope this one sticks to the guidelines. Because it was the one that demanded to be written.
I couldn't decide on a title, so suggestions would be welcome.
Written April 8th, 2003
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Understood this poem well. I think the rhyming is okay, but can take away from what you're saying, and can force some contivance.
Was a little moving, so that's good too. -
Groovy
This was powerful. "He doesn't feel the hunger anymore" is almost like your saying he died.. I know what you mean but it makes it sound so final and sad.
Thankfull for APSurvivor to keep me up at night,
Kali -
This is a very sweet write. Children who don't get a decent meal at least once a day. .that's so sad and it angers my heart to know that people let it happen.
hir -
Powerful write.
I have to wonder though...if you've never seen anything else but hunger, would you know what abundance looks like? Or would abundance just be being able to eat until you are full. -
This has such a ring of hope, sadly I think it unlikely that a child in this position would have such hope. I am pleased you are able to see that in the photo. As long as someone can then maybe someday we all will..........see hope that is.
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Drat... I thought I fixed that. I'll try again.
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I like the way you brought back the first line in the last stanza. It gave a nice structural unity to the piece. The only real criticism I have with this is the following line:
Then his undernourished flesh
I believe that 'then' should be 'than'. That's a pretty common grammatical error, though. Other than that I think you have a nice work here.
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Thank you so much for your comments... and suggestions. I made the suggested changes (mostly typos) it seems my fingers can’t keep up with my thoughts and then when I read my work I see what I meant to write. LOL insure/ensure is a judgment call, I believe either would work in this context, but I changed it because ensure will work without any question.
Thanks again
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Excellent
Very powerful. The dreams of the lost are the only things they have to cling to. Possible title: "The Mirage"
Nice write, glad your on my team. -
I thought this was beautifully rendered. It speaks on SO many levels of the human endurance factor. You treated him tenderly and his 'dreams' were tangible to the reader. The phrases were nicely constructed, and the structure was well suited to the sentiment. Really, I think you turned some magnificent corners with this. Enjoyed.
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I agree with Judge 6 that you conveyed a "hopeful dream". Starving children do have dreams, they must have strength unknown to even survive for very long, they may even have a glimmer of hope. Who knows what really goes through their minds. I love how you delved into their minds and wrote what you felt. Your structure, word choice, images created and overall message is very nice!
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You have managed to find a hopeful dream in a picture that shows hopelessness (that is a fine skill in itself).
This verse I thought was a clever insert:-
(Do not underrate the strength
Of this potent wee one’s pledge
To bring his world of fantasy
Back from abysm’s edge)
Please check the following line,
The illusion starts (to?) waver -
abysm’s edge
I like that
and there are no guidelines for this challenge but to write and express how it made you think and feel. Obviously this photo touched you as it did me and produced a wonderful thought provoking piece.
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And as for title.. maybe something with Hunger?
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touching
I agree with Tina, no need to worry about following the rules. Gripping words to the gripping image. Well done job. Two minor spelling errors, 'Then his undernourished flesh' should be 'Than' and i think 'To insure that every child' should be 'ensure' although I'm not 100% on that. Apart from that, perfect, really got to me. -
Very strong and lingering ending. This sent chills down my spine. You have some compelling images and word choice here.
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