The revised version:
(all suggestions for further improvement welcome!)
Handkerchief moments, picked from pockets
of shoeless days, now suffocate
beneath macadam and tar. Tryst-coated cobbles
resonate the canter of lovers’ hearts;
time and life, separated.
Familiar to him,
water erodes, rusts and rots;
she poured over him
only to evaporate as shadows shorten.
Whetted, his roots search for her
dampness, and he wonders
if the breeze is strong enough
to carry his secrets;
releasing them as rain
on slated roofs, they feed the moss
that chokes the canals
of their escape.
Beneath, she rocks back and forth
unaware of the hiss
from those that breach her granite flue;
desire's whisper, silenced.
She arrests time in oil clad strokes,
sunny moments and bare feet
replay on walls
and all the while he falls around her.
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
I really enjoyed this piece.A great thought provoking write.Thanks so much for the indepth critique of my work.i'm going to make a couple of minor changes as i agree with what you said.A really good poem.Hope to see a few more of yours.
-
Stephanie firstly thank you, I appreciate you reading my work, secondly thank you it is very nice to receive comments on a poem, then third - thank you! – how did I miss that? The correction has been made. I have also tried out an alternative to ‘freezes time’ but I’m not sure if it’s just change for changes sake or if it’s a keeper?
I look forward to reading through your work.
Happy reading and writing!
Rgds
hobby
Edited on Aug 17, 10:37 p.m. because ''. -
i really, really like the underlying essence of this poem. the tone created by your layout and diction is just beautiful. i did notice one incongruency, though. there's a tense mis-match:
Whetted, his roots search for her
dampness, and he wondered
if the breeze was strong enough
to carry his secrets;
he wonderS would maybe be more in line with the rest of the poem? there might be a reason for using the past tense, but to me it seems out of place.
let me reiterate that i really loved this write. especially the way you consistently used water/wet/pour/rain/etc. that really helped tether each thought to the one before and the one after.
enjoyed! -
Keenan, thanks for visiting, and your kind feedback. Please let mw know if you make any revisions to your poem, I'd be interested in re-reading. Also thanks for taking the criticism in the spirit it was offered - so many sites nowadays have contributors who howl abuse if they read something less than 110% complementary about their work. So again thanks
-
my poems are crazy
not worth reading i guess -
Thanks again for stopping by, I have visited your home page - it looks great. I have yet to learn all the in's and out's of this site but will get there. I'm working on a poem now that I will hopefully post in afew days - it fits the dark, offbeat category. In the meantime I'll enjoy reading through some of the rest of your work.
-
this is a very good poem i like the adjectives u use and i would like to thank u for ur input and yes i know some of my poem do repeat themselves and i usaully write like that not in third person. this poem u have written is very well done i like how u describe how u feel about this subject
keenan -
theres something in the ending that caught my attn...
loved your free verse...
i can never write something like this...
in my eyes this one is perfect...
loved the ending...
part that hit me...
thank you for sharing
~tish~
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
2 old applause
