I've been mistaken
Confusing toxic for light
I've been taking
Life from the dead of night
And if this hurts
It means youre dying not living
So god bless
Take your life elsewhere
I am too good
You should've known I would
You should've known that Im capable of this
So god bless
God bless your sympathy
But honestly this goes deeper than personality
This goes deeper than our graves
And for my protagonist self sake
My heart wont fake
The emotions you seek
And the life I take is not of parity to me
So that only makes it right
And in the resonating night
I live more
Than I have ever before
Gripping your heart
Tearing myself apart
An admission for your reason
Isn't what I was meaning
But thats ok
At least for my reality
And deep into ourlives
They have come too far
And inconsistant lies
Taking the sight from your eyes
The edge becomes deadly
For those who will die in symmetry
Until they define the lines of life and death
Even heroes will take their last breath
But not til they become worthless
So god bless
I am fighting more than your living
Maybe thats the distance between this society and me
That unsetting feeling that I've always known
No matter how close I am to someone
And as power is chosen for the best
I find you dying like the rest
But maybe dying is starting to die off
Am I really watching death become soft
Author notes
the lyrics are in the order of intro verse chorus verse bridge
"This marabout isn't untouchable"
Promt#II Option#iii
this song is talking about how with the help of modern medicine we are able to postpone death for people only for those people to suffer even more waiting for death
but at the same time this society is becoming more aware of the fact their is no such thing as a natural death and soon there will be a cure for it and the ironic problems as a society we might face because of that
A contest entry
- Its always Rainin' in my Head by A.N. Divine.
450 points, ended January 23, 2007, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Theme: Death. by Astrotriz.
800 points, ended May 26, 2007, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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This is brilliant! Thanks for a new perspective and a new option. Good luck! & many thanks for following the rules, you're one of few. :/
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Brutal.
I especially like this one. Thus far it is probably my favorite. You did I very good job panning out orderm even though it was much more complex than my writing. It almost reminds me of Tristania. I liked how you rhymed skillfully, not immaturely.
Well done.
-C. -
Wow, this one sounds kind of like a song too (can you tell I've read a few of those tonight? lol). And what do you know, reading the author notes, I find this one actually IS a song A depressing song, lol, but still very effective. The "god bless" thrown in there seems almost blasphmeous in nature, which I just love (even if that wasn't your intent).
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Okay, so for a minute or like a few seconds when I read the first part, before I scrolled down, I thought that that was the whole poem and I thought it was really amazing all on it's own and then I realized that there was more and the rest was pretty good too but the first of it is definitely my favorite by far. Nice job.
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okay
Okay, so I read your poem, and then your author notes, and then your poem again. May I cry?
Your author notes went deeper than the poem itself! I found nothing of what you wanted in it! Your theme changes a lot instead of connecting different ideas, your rhyming shifts as well, there's a problem with you using a little "g" and a big "G" when describing God (which can change the preseption of the word) and your meter doesn't stay constant. I really liked the idea you were going for but it isn't apparent to the reader.
If you're going to rhyme, try to keep it consistent. I know it's hard (you won't see me rhyming any time soon) but if you're going to do it then do it right. A weird rhyme can confuse a reader and mess up the voice in their head that's reading so they might miss something. Also, the "you" in your poem is not defined in any way so it takes a moment of the reader to go "Oh, this isn't me.... or is it?" I don't know if that's what you're going for or not, but you can use it well either way.
With the God thing, I know it seems trivial, but it's a biggie to readers. Lower case letters for something big can change the meaning (i.e. god versus God and church versus Church). "god" is usually used by pagans to show multiple ones or others who don't put imortance in one God. Your meaning gets thrown off if you're using both.
The meter and theme are the last things to be mentioned. If these are truly lyrics.... have you tried to sing them? Have you written down the notes you will use? It can't possibly flow right. I know I've been just slamming on your poem but I am upset to see such talent and such a good theme wasted. I believe that you have great ideas, but next time, write a poem or lyrics for someone else rather than what you want to see on paper. Other people need to understand your work or you won't get anywhere. (Kind of ironic for what you're meaning is) The meter and changing theme will alienate your readers/listners because they won't know what the heck is going on. You have a great talent, all you need is to work at some things.
Your imagery is great. The vocabulary is perfect and a dark, raw image is perfectly given. I'm glad it was long since I wanted to keep reading. The spaces in between each line gave it a sharp look to let the reader know they weren't getting into anything soft. It has great potential, please keep up the good work! -
Great write which I liked a lot. Keep writing, this was quite a dark piece which I liked reading
All the best
Pozo
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Nice- I liked the lines:
"But honestly this goes deeper than personality
This goes deeper than our graves"
Keep up the good work, and good luck in the contest!
-Sally -
great poem
This is good,but you can stop putting contests in now,anymore from you and i will just delete them from my contest.
Megan -
Yep. Thanks.
Full stops as in one of these: .
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ok i added what its aboutin my authors comment but um what do you mean by stops can you give me an example
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Ok.. So what's this about?? (Sorry... if it's possible to put this in your authors comments.. I've just added a rule).. And what does 'protagonist' mean?? I wish I knew. I enjoyed reading this poem/lyrics. The words you used were complex and interesting.. and deep and thought-provoking.
It would have been a lot easier to read if it had some full stops in it somewhere... but that's my opinion.
Thanks again for entering.
skitza
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I like the rhyming in this and these are good lyrics. Let me know when you make your first record.,
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