late night
caught between
tongues of sleep
I lie dreaming
of having your
babies
your arm
draped lazily
in the dip
of hipbone
and waist
just where I’d
swell with flutters
in every direction.
You sigh
roll over,
and I go on
dreaming.
Ava Noire
July 29th 2006
Author notes
not sure about this one
Written July 30th, 2006
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 45 of 45
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I like this one, for in it, you not only express love and desire, but you show the reader a difference between men and women. He seems content, and yet, you have this yearning for more, for an emotional need. And I think that is often the impasse between men and women, or at least, the difference between them in matters of love. Nicely done.
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You get that whispering sense that the more not said is as important as the voice, but then that could be just the male voice in the reader!
J.
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Last stanza changes direction and I think it works really well in doing so. If there is a spot that throws me off, it is 9-11..... the shift of "short cutting English" comes off slightly abrupt/awkward.
The first stanza is wonderful and the overall poem works really well. Nice seeing you writing ..... and thanks for sharing the updated photos of your children. They're beautiful. Congrats.... and many blessings to you and yours always.
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I enjoyed this . .
Do we have to be sure about anything in a muse . . Emmm
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The first two stanzas are very strong. I wouldn't change "having your babies" at all. It's a forceful, arresting statement with a crystal clear image. It's commited and intense.
I very much like the ending of stanza two - flutters in every direction.
I think the third stanza doesn't feel right with the other two. Almost perfunctory, and too.. predictable. It needs something to make it bite harder. -
Hey Sweetie. I’m not sure about this one either.
It started out very strong, but drifted off somewhere. But, I guess that might be in keeping with the theme of “dreaming” too, so maybe it’s the flow you were looking for.
You start out with being caught between “tongues of sleep” but then finish the poem with a more straight forward approach. Maybe if you replace some of the lines with a more abstract vision of the words, for instance, you could replace “having your babies”.
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simple and lovely-- i agree with the below comments. i remember having read your work somewhat frequently two years ago, though under other names. i'm nw coming back, as i have bought a large notebook to write my favorite poems of all time in. you certainly will take up a couple of pages i'm sure.
j -
This is sweet and lovely.
Good write,
Keep it up! -
bravo
Very lovely, indeed, and, oh, sooooo roooomantic, deftly done poem all around...bravo...bravo...
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I remember feeling those flutters. It was a very different feeling. I liked the flow of this poem, the sensual feel to parts of it. I do like the last stanza. Not sure why, but it just seemed to say a lot about the relationship between the people in the poem.
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The word 'dream' encompasses a myriad of emotions and innermost thoughts. It is difficult to replace that word. Most of the time it is an expression of sadness or better still melancholy that pulses with creativity. Excellent flow and wording in this.
Best,
Maria -
this is lovely and sweet.. you are wise beyond your years..
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Layered
Brilliantly done - reminds me of "Morning Song" in it's representation of mother and child. Congratulations by the way on having your second child - what a fantastic celebration! Brilliant phrasing with excellent use of imagery and a staccato beat in order to get across this necessity for another being that is you and yet is individual as well. Anthony. -
Beautiful
I really liked the minimalist style of this poem. You managed to get your point across in very few words, and the words you used were carefully chosen. It's just right. And I could identify with the moment portrayed here; I've had similar, half-dreaming thoughts while lying in bed with a lover. This is so beautifully expressed, and no words are wasted.
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I miss your poetry. It is so beautiful and full of amazing things. Please come back soon and write some of your awesomely magical works of art.
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I am...truly your talent shows here. I read your page. Our youngest daughter was born the day before my birthday. Hers is Feb. 12, mine the 13, and Valentines the 14th...if you are interested I have a new contest open that would appreciate your talent...
http://allpoetry.com/contest/2334689 -
As richly textured if not more in....
love and genuine beauty than the image so infinitely grand!!!! The yearning resonates a million times over. -
As AJ points out, at the very least you've captured some potent little moment-emotions in nice tight (and lyrical) phrases. The poem works as well, though there seems to be a touch of ambiguity that could be brought to the interpretation. As a reader, I'm left wondering if all is really as wonderful as it seems by the final end with dreaming.
If that's your intent, then you've accomplished what you set out to do: Love, but love tempered by a feeling of taken-for-grantedness... the turning away in his sleep.
The short lines, effective use of hard and soft vowels. The first stanza starts hard, then soft and ends with the soft image but two short hard syllables with "babies". Then a preponderance of soft sounds in the second stanza, hard sounds generally placed in pairs, but spaced out between lines. Then the final stanza is almost all hard vowels, "ohs" "eyes" "ees", then for the final sound, the compromising "ing" to drift it out.
I think it works really well.
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My oh my do I know that feeling. This is beautiful. Romantic & serene. Dreaming . . .hehe . . . I like it. It's lovely. Thanks for the sigh. LOL
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its very romantic, very shakespeare like. you should have an actual book, and not just a chapbook. think about it.
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so you love him. I've been with more women in my life than I'd like to admit, but that's a physical thing, and I honestly don't think anyone of them ever dreamed about having my babies. This one's nice.
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I like it. It reminds me of the delicious feelings I had as a teen, back when I had zero experience with men and longed for it.
I was the antithesis of a liberal woman, wanting nothing more than to be swallowed up in all the glory of masculinity I knew nothing of. lol. Anyway, this was enojyable and I hope to see some newer ones from you soon.
Lea -
V.Good
A very subtle poem that is both simple and detailed both at the same time, it seems to me that you communicate well the maternal need in all women. It is like she is dreaming of her wants for a family but perhaps the man is not so inclined, just a guess from the use of wording.
It is very insightful the way that you mange to communicate two different sides of a partnership/marriage while only telling from a very simple yet telling dream, an excellent example of quality over quantity. Keep the words flowing…
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i don't know if its the honesty your poems encompass, or the cogent words you choose to share that honesty that i enjoy most. you're a favorite now.
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Literal piece, doesn't seem so much .. you. Or perhaps I just haven't read you in a long while and it is you. Don't remember.
Didn't like the "babies" line. It seemed too literal. The rest I felt was okay, nothing really special about the piece overall, except the image of what you want or what you're thinking in that particular moment.
Sort of like a journal entry.
It's nice, could be worked on a bit; been looking over some of my older pieces, thinking about re-writing most of them. That'll be a pain in my head.
Anyway ...
Read you later.
-Nam -
Quite a pleasant read. I like the way you build upon the image you set up in the first stanza with the second and then circle back to the first in your closing. Nice technique - a wonderful reinforcement of the overall image on multiple levels.
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Bravo
Very deftly done, and evokative. Bravo -
hell hun, yes, i've done the same thing .... well, drape my arm in that spot to speak silent words, and she slept dreaming of a guy that she wants to have her babies ... i like the simplicity of this, much spoken without overkill ... this is some good work hun ..... luv ya cheers
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Great poem which I liked a lot. Keep writing, I like the way that you used enjambment here, it really eased the flow
All the best
Pozo
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This is so beautiful and I read it to be sad. Maybe its the mood I am in but I read it to be him sad that all you could do is dream of having his babies. I am sorry if I am right
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good
Very love and sweet. -
I know I know I know the flutters thing. My mom told me all about it... how annoying I was. But you know, who knows? Thought maybe those flutters were something else.
Glad I amuse you.
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It is a beautiful piece Tina, however.....I wish I didn't understand it, because I know there is pain all over it, that I know not everyone can see when they read it. Hidden to the eye that doesn't know you personally. As for the flutters, those are the happy feelings here. Sweet babies...sweet, sweet babies................
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lol you amuse me girl love your comments.
The flutters line was partly in reference to the feelings a woman feels when she begins to feel her baby's movement, usually by 20 wks (but usually several weeks before). They are often described of as "flutters."
thanks for reading
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I like this. Your writing has always been easy to read. It doesn't have to be `deciphered'. I don't visit the site enough to keep close watch, but I must come back more often. Thanks for sharing this. D.
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Oh. Good one. It's normal to be unsure. It only means that you have talent. Tons and tons of it. Um um um, love the first stanza. The tongue thing is an amazing way to express the way sleep affects us. The heaviness, laziness. The second stanza is an equally gorgeous image. I've always found that particular curve in women to be the prettiest, especially when we're resting on our side. It's strictly characteristic of a woman. 'Tis why it's so beautiful. Blah whatever. Though um towards the end of that stanza, I'm not too sure whether the swelling with flutters thing is the young one or something else. Or both? Or you know, common knowledge that pregnant women get weirdly horny at some point during the pregnancy. Seems like a funny thought. Anyway. Whatever it is. This is a particularly short poem. Delectable in any case. Full of finger-licking imagery. Great as ... forever.
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this poem like all your other poem is interesting because of the maturity of expression... first of all since the speaker is caught "between the tongues" of sleep (i am having a hard time imagining exactly what this is supposed to mean.... maybe this is just to serve as a "nice" impressionistic detail... a combination of warmth, taste, softness, etc)... the overall tone of the poem sounds half-hearted... the poem is full of sexual allusions (the 2nd stz), the situation seems to be the moments after a sexual intercourse, but the speaker is not involved in the pleasure of the moment but rather thinking of its consequences... the last stz, conveys the indifference of the lover..."sigh and roll over"...what can be as curt as this... overall this is a very interesting read....
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Tina, you are the master (mistress) of thinking poetry. Thank you.
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Yes, it is beautiful.
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This seems like a very different piece from you compared to those I've read in the past. Maybe that's the only reason you're unsure since it is strong. I can't imagine a thought or voice changed in this. I don't think you really needed the comma in this one at all - but I understand why you used it also to show that shift before the 'and I go on'...
Really though, you're one of the few on here that should never second guess what you've penned with how high you set the bar for the rest of us. Like I said - maybe it's just that this one is different but it is still as strong and pulls us into the affection you feel for the person lying next to you. How can one not like this??! -
I'm sure that this is a great piece. I'm also sure I'm glad you've found your inspiration to write. I love the images you've weaved with words. Very lovely and romantic.
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you should be sure. i'm sure. this is a beautiful piece. tahnk you for sharing it with us.
~megan -
this is very beautiful, im glad you wrote this, it inspired me
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This is beautiful. I remember my second pregnancy (well my first one too) and the late night, middle of the night, moments of being awake while everyone else is sleeping...and thinking soulful thoughts.
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I'm not sure what you are unsure of, this is a really nice piece.
"tongues of sleep"
"draped lazily
in the dip
of hipbone"
wonderful lines, and the close is beautiful.
al
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