the breaths i take encourage fear
and thoughts about your cigarette.
how i wish i could take its place right now-
feeling the softness of your lips
as their sweet touch mixes with tobacco
once again.
-you smoke too much when you drink.
thoughts arise about tequila-
how i envy that deadly drink tonight.
it feels your body heat
surrounding it like youd hold me.
-if only you were here.
when youll call me ill never know-
all i want to hear is your voice.
like the times at home-
"I love you baby".
...not tonight.
for youll barely say a thing
and especially not that...
-not infront of the guys.
when are you coming home?
your answers pierce my soul.
"i dont know" is all you say.
it hurts me deep inside.
if you were o say it in your normal, sweet tone
i think id be okay
-but no; not tonight.
i hope when you come home
youre my baby again.
but ill have to wait;
and see when that is.
maybe one day ill be okay
with the fact that youre acting like this.
ill try to be one day
for you baby.
but not now...
-not tonight.
Author notes
Written July 29th, 2006
A contest entry
- Options many many options by Black Bloody Tears.
300 points, ended August 5, 2006, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Excellant/Sad
Those comments are a hard act to follow. So guess I'll just say I agree with them, except I think it reads quite well just as it is. -
this is a great poem! i could so relate to the tequila and cigarettes.
this poem almost made me cry! the repeatition of "not tonight" was fitted perfectly!
"when are you coming home?
your answers pierce my soul.
"i dont know" is all you say.
it hurts me deep inside.
if you were o say it in your normal, sweet tone
i think id be okay
-but no; not tonight."
i loved this stanza! it was so well written!
thanks for sharing this!
good luck in the contest too!
♥ Lynn -
WOW. How much I can feel of what you are enduring. You want to be so close to him, and he is right there for you. Yet really, He isnt home.And how you want that drink, or to be a cigarette. GOOD WORDS. You have quite the talent girl
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really marvelous....it's really touching, and emotionally, wonderful job on it....:]
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Your emotions ring deep through out this poem in sadness and love, Where his loyalty is broken and muttered and if he were to
Feel a little of the pain and disapointment you feel, I'm sure he would see that he is slowly driving your heart into an empty grave where souls stay for eternity if they are not shown love again, This is a very moving poem thank you for allowing to read
And comment on your work.. -
hmm so maybe this piece could confuse a few people.. basically its because he went away-and i couldnt sleep one night fearing what he was doing...(ie smoking drinking.. the works) so i envisioned his cigarette..wanting to be it so i could feel him.. then the tequila he was drinking.. wanting to be it as well longing to feel his touch...
well anyways i hope taht helped a little.. thanx for the comment!!!
<3 -
Awwww
That was sweet.. in a modern shakespearish way! Combined with.. some country singer or something..
all in all I thought it was well written and very sweet! -
Great poem, I loved it.. It sounds like the insecurities of new love (I maybe wrong) but I've been there..good luck to you
and best of luck dusty -
I am slightly confused by some of this piece. Overall it was good. I like the form with which you wrote. I understand that in the start it says you wish you could be the cigarrette. Then you twist it saying he is gone and when is he coming home. It confuses the reader because first we think he is there and I could envision the two of you. Then it went somewhere else. Overall it has a good theme. I believe it could be worked into a great piece...Let me know if you want help with it. If not I would not want to overstep my boundries...Best wishes, Trina
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I really enjoyed reading this poem. You did an outstanding job. I think that my favorite part in this poem would have to be "thoughts arise about tequila-
how i envy that deadly drink tonight.
it feels your body heat
surrounding it like youd hold me.
-if only you were here."
Great job!! -
i like this poem alot it shows alot of emotion and about him coming home i know how that feels it may not be the same problem with drinking but drugs as i went through with an ex of mine..but i can relate....im not okay with the guy i love choosing something over our home..i hope everything turns out or turned out alright! god bless- kat
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