Ripples in my crust
prelude an ancient mystery
that gurgles to be free.
You see them
out of the corner of your eye,
taunting the fringes of certainty,
playing hop-scotch
across the surface of your mind's eye.
An itch
becomes a chill
and you hug your heart
deeply inside your ribs,
praying to an optimistic guardian.
"Deliver me.. deliver me.."
as the voice in your head
grows scratchy
weary
cold...
"Wake me from this frozen slumber!"
Icicle teardrops cut through skin
like tissue paper monasteries.
Blood chills
as valor spills
and darkness fills the spaces in between.
You rub my beating emptiness
with fingerknobs of fear
and smear my liquid godliness
so near...
so near.
My breath
a burning oven
whispers blinks of insincerity,
"I love it when you hate me so"
and I slice my palm in half
to show you what's inside,
surging cycles through my veins:
The venom of love,
the color of blood,
the poison of pain
and dying in vain.
The reason our fleeting
and bleeding goes on.
The trick how the darkness
can turn into dawn.
The answer, the countdown
the circus, the game...
what's swimming in you—
it's in me just the same.
Author notes
It's in all of us; our parents, our selves and our children. We're all made up of the same sappy goo and we're all just as capable of the darkest things we do. Somebody once asked me "what surges through your veins?" and I replied "same as any given mortal... same as you". Watch as we all spread our infected fuel forever through the future. It's happening all around us... and within.
Written July 25th, 2006
In a list
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1 - 8 of 8
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Magnificent
Very deep, i love the last set of lines.
"The venom of love,
the color of blood,
the poison of pain
and dying in vain.
The reason our fleeting
and bleeding goes on.
The trick how the darkness
can turn into dawn.
The answer, the countdown
the circus, the game...
what's swimming in you—
it's in me just the same."
Very soulful,its what bounds us all together in life. -
This poem seems to be about cutting. Beyond that, I am not really clear. It is late and my brain is tired so I am not going to try to figure it out, but it is interesting and dramatic.
Andy -
Two thumbs Up
This was very enjoyable. I found it to be unique and powerful...good poetry is like a ride..and I didn't really want to get off this one.
Edited on Sep 29, 5:30 p.m. because ''. -
Creative touch
You sound kind of depressed in a lot of your pieces, but I still enjoyed them. This part would be cool quote to use.
"The venom of love,
the color of blood" -
You entered three links, so I will judge all three and then average the three totals.
Title: 10
One word titles can sometimes be very fitting, and I found this to be the case here.
Format: 8
The background, color scheme and such were all fitting and enhancing. The structure of the piece was solid, but its layout was not an overwhelming presence. Just the same, that is not an overly important (or even common) trait therefore minimal credit was taken.
Imagery: 8
I believe that your line about the palm was what scored tis so highly. It was a brilliant image that automatically registered in my mind.
Lit. Tools: 7
There wasn't extensive use of tools, but it was not a very needed thing. Your rhyme and imagery were the two leading mechanics, and I found them to be effective.
Message: 7
Again, I feel that this piece was a strong one but not the strongest I've known from you. However, you had a great sense of that old style in you that I remember from earlier writes. That was very enjoyable
Parameters/ Creativity: 10
All of the requirements were filled, and it was done in an interesting way.
Fluidity: 7
For the most part this all had a nice pace, but the last stanza tripped me towards the beginning of it.
Enjoyment: 6
I think that you always produce a solid read; it may be my favorite work from you, but it had several lines that really interested me and are still holding in my mind.
Length: 8
It wasn't too short, nor too long. Overall, the size was very suitable.
Uniqueness: 8
I think you took a topic that at times seems overdone, and you really added new life and attention to it. I give you all of the kudos for that.
Total: 79 -
Very good write. It's eerie, yet interesting and really makes a statement.
"The answer, the countdown
the circus, the game...
what's swimming in you—
it's in me just the same"
Great lines.
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This is amazing - I have bookmarked it so that I can come back to it and appreciate it more fully! Just brilliant though.
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WOW! This is wonderfully penned. I love the creative approach that you have taken with this. It is... well it was AMAZING!!! Best of luck to you in the judging... though I am sure you will do very very well
Always,
Melanie
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6 old applause
