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Nocturnal Lover

As
before
the night of
sweet redemption
comes

The
darkness
calls To me
with her sweetest
song  

I
am her
nocturnal
slave forever
here

I
can feel
her heavy
heart of sorrow
now

The
people
of today
have forsaken
her

She
cries for
them for they
are numb to her
love

Author notes

I've never done a lanturne before so I'm not sure is I've dine it completely right but I've enjoyed it so thanks for introducing me to a new form of poetry.    ~Lilly~
Written July 23rd, 2006

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Comments


  • cherche -d -ame
    August 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    perfect syllable count Only suggestion might be to find another word for the beginning of the fourth stanza as it repeats the third one. This is merely a suggestion ( for the rest is perfect) and even without changing it , it is definitely still a very well done write that captures the feel of night in a sad sort of way. Best wishes in the contest,
    reenie


  • intanglio2ring
    July 25, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Dear XxCrimsonGoddessxX,
    Wonderful and romantic! You've tied them together telling a story of the beautiful night!
    Good Luck in the contest!
    Tang


  • Stuart Higginson gold member
    July 24, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Hi NL

    Thanks for the entry. I'm just popping by to print it off, so I can evaluate it more thoroughly. I'll post my critique in the week ahead. Thanks for this entry. Linda's poorly at the moment, so I'll be managing the contest until her return.

    Best wishes
    Stuart


  • Sai Babas Lotus
    July 24, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    You did it very well, my friend! These are excellent lanturnes. The emotion of pain, sorrow and loneliness with nothing but tears through the night is brought out so well here. Each flows so well into the next and stands very well on its own. The syllable count is right in all. Excellent imagery, alliteration and assonance. You bring out an image of night very well in these six lanturnes. My only suggestion is to minimise all the capitalised letters except in L1 of each of these lanturnes.

    All the best,
    Charishma