As I star gaze
I drift off in a daze
I'm in a maze of stars up above
quick! Over there, a shooting star!
make your wish, be careful though
wish for something you need,
not greed
wish for peace on earth,
or a new pair of shoes
but before you wish close your eyes....
Author notes
I wrote about start gazing and wishing upon a star. You should be careful for what you wish for....
Written July 23rd, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- 10 Lines Or Less- Anything Goes by The Pole Star.
300 points, ended August 6, 2006, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Do you have what it takes by Improv Machinery.
400 points, ended July 5, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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very interesting..i enjoyed this...
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interesting
i like how the ending just stops so abruptly. i know that my mind is going to spin on this one for a few hours, if not days. a truly amazing write. thanks for entering and good luck in the contest. -
This is good. I like the comfortability it gives me, I also like how you are so imaginative.
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This is what I would probably call a "cute" piece. It is clear and easy to understand - thus a nice write for children. Though a very innocent poem, it failed to convey a powerful message to me. I think the rest has been said by Dhruv (the pole star).
Thanks for participating. Good luck!
Ankita -
you really should be careful what you wish for. they come true at the most unexpected times. its a really great poem. filled me with almost a reverence. great job.
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Great poem. Good message. People should think about what they wish for when they see a shooting star. Instead of something egotistical I would wish for peace any day. Great write.
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I just don't see whats wrong with putting a tradition in with it because it's about being careful for what you wish for so the last line, but before you wish close your eyes...., doesn't really hurt the poem, it just adds how to wish, lol, if that makes sense. The poem is telling people to be careful which in a way explains how you should wish
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hmmm...I do understand as the images go here, but I guess that this write needs a revision. I do not know that what shall I call your ability- see you have taken different concepts here. it can be either positive with a remark of 'vivid imaginary' or negative with a complain of stress upon a specific aim. I might be sounding a little odd and confusing
Maybe this clarifies my point:
This stanza gives me an idea of a shooting star:
"As I star gaze
I drift off in a daze
I'm in a maze of stars up above
quick! Over there, a shooting star!"
This is well penned and flows beautifully
Then, this stanza makes me aware to be careful while making a wish. It makes me think.
"make your wish, be careful though
wish for something you need,
not greed
wish for peace on earth
or maybe a new pair of shoes"
The last line is totally a new concept for the wading poem.
You see the way the write has been flowing from one part of sea to another. I reckon that in a poem where you are limited till 10 lines you should focus on one point only. Either show me some delight of viewing a "Shooting Star" or aware me of making a 'wish' or simply show old beliefs like in last line
Don't take this negatively. It is positive criticism. After all we are here to improve I look forward to a revision here, please inform me when you are done and if you need help then please don't hesitate.
With much,
and 
s
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well met-
well, i find this piece to have a sort of innocence in it, like a child wishing for a pony or something like that. i thought this was original and very unique, and i think you did a very good job with the ten line max!
oh, and i'm also leaving this message to prove to you that i have read some of your poetry, as i am answering your want ad for a secretary.
anyway, best of luck in the contest!
may your fangs stay sharp-
Bella
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I like stars a lot and I agree that you should be careful what you wish for because it might just happen. Short piece but it gets your point across well. I liked the ending, after-all, it's the most important part of stargazing and wishing.
Awesome write and keep it up.
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