Dear Mr. Bush....

Dear Mr. Bush,



    Sources have recently confirmed that an army of genetically engineered penguins are planning an attack on the United States!!! These creatures may look cute and cuddly, but they will wreak havoc upon our cities. The determined little beasts are armed with M-16’s, flamethrowers, and AK-47’s; not to mention their stockpile of hand grenades and vast kamikaze pigeon allies.



    Research carried out in the recent years by my department [an underground unit of the FBI] has pinpointed the exact origin of these penguins.  During the Cold War when the U.S. and the Soviet Union were at each others throats, Soviet zoologists and genetic engineers joined together to create a devious secret weapon. In 1989, after years of trial and error, the Soviets finally met their goal; a new race of king penguins with extreme human intelligence emerged.  These penguins were stored in Siberia for several years to simulate their nature habitat; but after the “fall” of the Soviet Union in 1991, these creatures were immediately brought to the United States and surrounding countries to serve as spies.  Their cover?  Harmless zoo animals.  But don’t be fooled!  The Soviets trained them in ancient forms of the martial arts that the rest of the world has long forgotten. A computer chip that is ironically superior to any on the planet has been implanted into their brains; this is what makes them so clever and deadly.  In fact, studies carried out by the Soviets concluded that these penguins have brainwaves with 4x the strength and unified sequence as the brainwaves of the average human being. Not only that, but these creatures have adapted to life among humans by changing within the bounds of Darwin’s Theory of natural selection! They have evolved so extensively that even though new born chicks aren’t equipped with computer chips, they still manage to have the same brain capacity as their parents!!!



These penguins are not fools, Mr. President and they refuse to negotiate.  We can not allow them to gain control.  If we do not fight then America will split apart at her seams and we will be ruined. You have a duty, sir, a duty to this great nation. When you were sworn into office, you promised to protect this country from enemy forces.  Do the right thing and aid my agency in this path of American defense. I can not tell you our plan of action least this letter reach the wrong hands [or should I say flippers..... ....???], but I can tell you that we must act soon.  Sir, we must save America from the terrorist grasp of these waddling villains.  Step up like you did in Iraq.  Only someone with your supreme level of intelligence can deliver us now. Accept your moral obligation and declare war on these mutant penguins.



Imagine what will happen if we fail to strike quickly.  These genetically altered beasts will create a reign of terror like none the world has ever seen.  All democracy as we know it will cease to exist as a totalitarian state sets in. Humans will be forced to live in slavery, serving their penguin masters until death delivers them from their bondage. Can you imagine the sorrow that will besiege the children of tomorrow if we fail? Can you see the gaunt and grotesque face of our doom looming beneath this façade? This national crisis will tear a rift in the lives of all people in every corner of the earth.  If America falls, then who will defend the rest of the world?  Needless to say, our demise would lead to the collapse of the global economy thrusting us all back into the shadows of the Dark Ages. This would be devastating to mankind and its effects would, no doubt, encourage the act of scapegoating and fuel mass genocide.



Please consider the urgency of this matter.  If we do not act soon then we can say farewell to American [and world] prosperity. Our nation will fall to ruin at the hands of these artic villains. We must preserve the future for the generations to come, and insure that we’ll actually have a future to look forward to...



Urgently and sincerely,      



          Agent Spears