Heat builds inside my flaming mind
Burning to ashes gone
Cruelty etched onto my stinging skin
Tearing me from humanity
Everything is dead to me
Seems so strange, no one cares
But it does not to me
Because life is the step before death
Hate excretes from my painful body
Slaying more to keep me
Desire flows through my bleeding soul
Breeding world again
Nothing is tasteful
Only bitter and callous rise from winds
Taking me away from death
I am strange in the eyes of the world
Do not forget about me
No one can
All I have known
Is no more
Author notes
This poem is about feeling abstract auras, different from the others. The auras can be defined no better than being strange by the living. This poem is not about suicide at all.
Written July 21st, 2006
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Hey!
I appreciate your comments, I do take criticism well.
So with that I would like to say that this contest is really unique indeed.
I also want to address your critiques:
- "bleeding soul" cliche: I hate cliches, maybe more than you know. But when I use that line, it means that I gain desire when the hate that I have leave my body, bleeding soul. And then hate will breed the world a new child, children of hate.
- left justified: I have a bit of an obsession with the center key. I hate left or right align, center is equal and just to me. I do not particularly like to rhyme. To me it takes away the orginality and groove in any writing piece.
So thank you for the commenting and the other help.
Good luck in judging the contest.
Live on and live again.
-Kenny -
Well, it seems as if there are many ahead of me that made quite good and solid suggestions for this piece. I would like to re-emphasis the point about the 'bleeding soul'. Ah, that's too AP cliche, anymore. Like crimson tears, or bloody knives... too many badly written cutting poems.
I would also like to add the suggestion that this would do better left justified (the formatting). I'm of the mind that unless it is a strict rhyme (preferable a sonnet or other classic form), then nothing should be centered. Another AP thing, I would guess. So many beginning writers center everything. I generally stay away from those pieces that are centered for that very reason.
I know, I know... it's not fair. But from cruising this site as much as I do, one has to protect their mental health. And too many bad "poems" tend to drive one crazy.
This isn't a bad piece, not at all. Quick, simple and to the point. I like that. I'm a wordy one, but appreciate writers who can get their point across and know when to stop. One of these days I shall learn that, also.
I'm glad that you stopped in our contest and shared this piece with us. If you do decide to change things around a bit, please remember to notify either Blkwidow77 or myself... so we can reread this again. I'm sure we will take a few days to comment and judge this... so you still have time.
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Hello and welcome to my and Annalise's contest. I was pleased to see so many names I don't recognize come to play here. It's always the best way to get to know others writing.
But I also feel it necessary to tell people unaccostumed to me, a little something about my personality. And that is, I'm inclined to be bluntly honest. Not mean, just straight forward about the impressions your piece left me with and suggestions I might have. You are not obligated to change a thing. But it is always wise to at least take them into consideration.
That being said, I'll move on. Well, first off, I see FalseDisposition has taking a liking to the critical critique I offered her and is offering them to others herself. She didn't do too bad actually. I agree with a lot of her suggestions. I think that she had valid points for what she thought might be best removed or re-worded.
All in all, this is not a badly done piece. I particularly liked your line about 'Breeding world again'. That was different, and thereby interesting. I would watch out for this line though:
~~Desire flows through my bleeding soul~~
As 'bleeding soul' are very cliche words. They just get used so much, that all the beauty has been sucked out of them. And so they really aren't helping you here. It might be worth it to consider different phrasing or some such.
But regardless, I think you did well enough on this piece. And I appreciate you coming to play with us! If you do revise this, be sure to IM me and let me know so that I come back and re-read this as new. -
Hey I kinda have a bit of critiquing on this...It's a very cool poem but let me just change around a few personal preferences and see what you think:
Heat builds inside flaming mind - Don't add the extra my
Burning to ashes gone
Cruelty etched onto stinging skin - Same rule as above
Tearing from humanity - Same rule, my or me's may make it a tad too personal...
Everything is dead - No me, again
Seems so strange, no one cares - No need for the "that"
But it does not to me - The me here is good, actually.
Because living is the step before death - Something about this line, but I can't put my finger on it, could be different..
Hate excretes from painful body
Slaying more to keep me
Desire flows through bleeding soul
Breeding world again - no need for "the" either
Nothing is tasteful - to reduce the line
Only bitter and callous rise from winds
Taking me away from death - the me here is necessary, otherwise it would be "taking away from death", like it was taking something away from it to bring it to a lower advantage
Because I am strange to the living - Something here could do for a change too...
Do not forget
No one can - spelling is a big issue in poem
All I have known - no need for "because"
Is no more - Good ending
Now lets see what blkwidow has to say... -
Uh, Kenny, I wasn't even thinking suicide.
NEways, this is a good, if a bit... strange, poem.
At times, the lines seem a little forced, but that's just me, you know? Especially at the end. It's almost as if you had the first line perfectly, but then you had to actually search for the last three. All in all, though, it's a great poem.
Good luck in the contest, my friend.
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