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Like Water


Like water, love can be compared,
a wondrous liquid that can be shared. 
Seemingly flows from endless spout,
suddenly there’s a long-hard drought.


Cold, it can freeze and change to ice,
or warm, a pool of purest paradise.
Like love, water can take many forms.
with either one there will be storms.


Sometimes it drips almost pitifully,
will it dry up before it reaches sea?
It can come all at once, a huge flood,
wash all away, leave you with mud.


Like water, with love there will be rain,
as it gives us life, it too causes us pain.
We can not live without either around, 
but beware, in each you can be drowned.

 

Author notes

Quatrains aabb rhyme scheme Metaphor: Love
Painting by Jim Warren

Water

A contest entry

What did you think

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Comments

1 - 44 of 44

  • Tarja
    January 31, 2008
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    Congrats on the two silver and the three honorable mention trophies. I recognized the picture from a long time ago I have always loved that! This was absolutely gorgeous and brought much more beauty to the picture with the poem underneath it. The rhyming was lovely and the emotions were so deep. Thanks so much for entering and good luck.


  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    December 27, 2007

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    Thank you so much for your entry in our contest 'Love' to look for the best 'rhymer' on Allpoetry, in our opinion.
    As we have had nearly 100 entries this has been a difficult contest to judge and although not a winner, we thoroughly enjoyed reading your entry.
    We hope that you will enter the rest of the rounds in our Rhyming Extravaganza.

    All the best Sue and Jeff.


  • q-pid
    November 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Like water, with love there will be rain,
    as it gives us life, it too causes us pain.
    We can not live without either around,
    but beware, in each you can be drowned.

    This is really good even though i've seen these two compared before.

    Great job and good luck!!!

    /q-pid/


  • Terry-too silver member
    September 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The sustained metaphor carried it for me--I did not read it fast enough to need meter. The only thing that caused me to stop, was --of course, the end--but also that word "you". I would have used 'us' instead.
    You see, at my age 'you' did not really fit me anymore. Gets peaceful, happy with Family, and contented.

    Great poem!
    Terry


    • DawnBaby
      September 13, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you Kind Lady!

      I very much appreciate your comments and applause, this is one piece I did not apply meter. So good to hear it wasn't needed, thank you!


  • localhero
    September 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    i liked the concept, the imagery and the symbolism. The metre bothered me though. It seemed like you switched back and forth between iambic and dactylic a bit. If you had made the whole poem in one metre and then changed it at at the darker parts about storms and droughts, then i'd say the added tension would be effective at driving the message of the poem but it seemed to just be random. a lot the longer words in the poem, like seemingly, suddenly, paradise, pitifully and wondrous(if you pronounce it won-der-ous) fit nicely into a dactylic metre... so it seemed to me that the poem overall should have been dactylic.

    anyway, it's your poem and your inspiration (and i certainly wouldn't want to claim to be an expert when it comes to poetry). i really liked the innovative way to look at love, it was an enjoyable read. (yours always are)

    • DawnBaby
      September 12, 2007
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      Been Awhile!

      Haven't heard from you in a long time localhero thank you for the in depth review, it is very appreciated. I think perhaps our views could be different due to the vast difference in our ages. You are 19, I am 56. I have been around the block a few more times so to speak. I attempted to describe something very deep within the poem. Whether or not the reader gets it or not will be up to the reader. An attempt to describe dangers of dependency if you will. Seriously I wasn't thinking about either the iambic or dactylic metre. Again thank you for your comments and review, always appreciate your honesty.

      • localhero
        September 12, 2007

        Edit | Reply
        well i certainly respect that. there is no reason to write for anyone but yourself. i did understand your message... you did a great job with that. I'm sure i was just ocd-ing about the metre, but there isn't much of a reason not to give complete feedback and criticism, i just hope you didn't get the wrong impression and think that i disliked the poem.

        as to why it's been so long... the end of my school year was pretty intense for several reasons, none of them schoolwork related(that's the easy part), and i've spent the last two months backpacking in europe and as soon as i got back i had to help move furniture into a new house (which turned out to be a 2 week ordeal). suffice to say, i haven't had much time to play around on the internet. I'm sure you'll hear from me in the future though.


  • Freed by Mercy silver member
    September 7, 2007

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    What a great extended metaphor! This reminds me of my own poem "Driving Down Love's Highway" which solidified from an idea to reality over the course of a year plus. The themes are similar, I think. Love does not always flow naturally, especially over the course of many years.

    Great write!

    • DawnBaby
      September 7, 2007
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      Thank you!

      I am familiar with "Driving Down Loves Highway" it was a contender in our contest. Yes, I do see similarities, no love doesn't always flow naturally, least not mine! I very much appreciate your kind comments and applause, Congratulations on your Dove Award, I just joined GraphOholics myself.

  • Raven Judge
    August 22, 2007
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    I have two immediate responses after reading this piece. First off, I found it personally interesting how I had to read this entry in a certain slow, deliberate way in order for the rhyme scheme to sync up. When I tried to rush the read it didn't work at all. I don't know if something like that can said to be done on purpose, or if it is just the happenstance of my eyes reading it. Either way, the effect was definitely something worthy of mention as I found it delightful in real between-the-lines sort of way.

    Second, I was enchanted with the completeness of the picture of love that you have established. Summed perfectly in the last four lines this piece offers something that few other efforts in its genre care to consider: warning. The observation that individual identity must be maintained within every relationship is an aspect of love that I have long felt is as obvious as it is ignored. Perhaps the union of a couple that results in childbirth is the only realistic way for two people to look at becoming one. Dependency is derived from all other forms, and this is an unfortunate pitfall that must be avoided.

    I should through in here as a post note to the last paragraph that it doesn't really do to speak realistically about love. So, then, in this piece you given us a touch of otherworldliness that still manages to be sincere and profound. Well done.

    Thank you for your entry,

    ~Das

    • DawnBaby
      August 22, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you Das

      I don't really know what to say, other than how much I appreciate your most kind comments on my poem, this piece didn't just tumble onto the page, it was almost a year long effort before I felt it done. I cannot tell you how many times I read it, re-read it, again and again. So the slow deliberate rhyme scheme you spoke of surprised me, you noticed!!!! I myself tire of the typical love themes, so I attempted to be unique with this poem. You and your judges have made me feel I have accomplished my task, I am so honored to be critiqued with such honesty. The first judge picked up my grammar errors which I greatly appreciated since I worked so hard on the poem for so long the grammar kept changing and it did need some refining in that regard. So you have not only been judges but have assisted me as well. So thank all the Raven Judges for their kind comments and assistance through this process. I am very excited to be included in this contest and cannot wait the results! Again thank you for your extensive review of my piece and your professionalism. It has been a very enjoyable contest.

      Dawn

      • Raven Judge
        August 22, 2007

        Edit | Reply
        Glad you could receive some benefit from the experience. We are glad to have you along for the ride.

        ~Das


  • morningstar1948 gold member
    August 18, 2007

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    Beautiful and wonderfulwritting

    You have written words with the revalation of love, Pains, joys,depressions, and then drowning. With all these you have to weight them out and see where and how love can be enjoy once again wthen the water calm down. I love you little sister and miss you
    Hope to talk to you soon on the messenger.
    Pray for me on the 13th of Sept. They can do something for me. love you
    Your big sister
    Morningstar Sparrowhawk walk with Bear

    • DawnBaby
      August 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you Sis

      So glad you enjoy my poem, this one is special to me, I have worked on it a long time. Trying to think outside of the box, love can be compared to many things, so I picked water. It took me some time but I was pleased with the results after some assistance from other members. You can be sure I will be thinking of you on the 13th of September. So glad to hear that news! I will be home all weekend, we are being rained in for a few days here so probably will be inside. I will sign on the messenger when I wake up in morning. Thank you for your kind words and applause. Be well my sister.


  • earthstar
    August 17, 2007

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    Like water, love can be compared,
    a wondrous liquid that can be shared.
    Seemingly flows from endless spout,
    suddenly there’s a long-hard drought.

    I really like the comparison love and water. I have seen a few writes about water. I like the overall feel to this one better. Love can take many forms just like water changes into water,gas and a solid. Sometimes one see love like a water. Others times it a gas one not sure it their. Then is turns solid and rock hard. Maybe it can melt away. It goes with love very well.
    Your images are clear and meaningful. One can tell the hard work you have put into this write. One can also see your heart at work here.
    I feel you have found your true writer voice in this write. You take something normal and turn it into something extra ordinary and very original.
    You have taken the the time to love beauty.
    Which brings out good things in the written word.
    I truly wish you the very best.

    • DawnBaby
      August 17, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you earthstar!

      I so appreciate your kind comments! You are right I did work very hard on this piece almost a solid year! Also right, this is my true writer's voice. I thank you and very much appreciate the time you took to review and comment.


  • Sonja
    August 15, 2007

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    I am so glad, so glad to see all those shiny trophies on this site. Nice quatrains and perfect flowing verses, like water on its way to the ocean of love.
    ~Sonja~

    • DawnBaby
      August 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      So glad you liked my poem, I think I know someone else with many shiny trophies herself! I am proud of this one! I always appreciate your kind comments and applause as well. Thank you!


  • Amera gold member
    August 9, 2007

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    This is absolutly beautiful and the flow and meter is on target with the aabb rhyme structure. Perfect description of the painting and Jim Warren is my favorite artist. Good choice!

    Love,
    Amera ♥

    • DawnBaby
      August 9, 2007

      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      Thank you so much so glad you enjoyed my write and I appreciate your kind comments and applause! Heres to holding our breathes for awhile! Good luck to you!


  • Northern Raven
    August 8, 2007
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    I’ve seen love compared with many things during the course of this contest but it has to be a first for me to find it compared to water. I think the idea is very original and quite interesting as the two things can take many forms. Much of the love poetry I’ve reviewed so far has been about the love of one person for another and rarely about the concept itself so I think the author here is thinking on a slightly different plane to many others.

    The imagery in this poem is very good and instantly created pictures in my mind. The first two lines feel a little disjointed to me as if the second line needs ‘a’ at the beginning to link the two. I liked the image of ‘flowing from endless spout’ as both love and water may seemingly flow in this way and then turn to drought when it’s gone. Also in these lines, “theres” should be there’s.

    In stanza two I think the words “or a warm pool of purest paradise” would read better if the a was after warm “or warm, a pool of purest paradise” and the next line would benefit from an comma after “Like love, “ and again in the first line of the fourth stanza “Like water, “to give slight pause between the words. These are only minor errors that would allow better presentation if corrected.

    In stanza three, the use of a question is a bonus as I think it involves the reader to think further than the written words on the page. Again the images in this stanza are strong as they are also in stanza four, which concludes the piece of work cohesively with the warning in the final line.

    The flow of the piece as it stands is a little disjointed and would benefit from the addition of punctuation but the rhyme scheme has been executed well and aids the work greatly. I’ve enjoyed reading this completely because it is different in content to many other love poems I’ve read.

    Congratulations on reaching the final round of the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with this entry.

    Northern Raven

    • DawnBaby
      August 8, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you!

      I very much appreciate your suggestions for my poem! I did take all your suggestions and I like the results much better. I am always pulled as to whether to punctuate or not. I do like it better punctuated since it aids in the flow of the piece. Thank you so much for you kind congratulations. I am honored to have made it to the finals. I have worked and re-worked this piece for a long time. I have always thought it original and glad to hear you say the same. Thank you once again.

      • Northern Raven
        August 9, 2007

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        You're welcome. I'm happy if i've helped you in some small way as part of this contest is about striving for improvement and not merely comparing one poem to another. I've read your entry again and think the punctuation gives pause where it should be and therefore aids the flow.

        Good luck


  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    August 2, 2007
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    Very nice!

    A truly wise choice for this contest...and I like quatrains.

    • DawnBaby
      August 2, 2007
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      Thank you MJD

      I hope so, its tough deciding which poem to use, and I would write a new one if my muse weren't on a vacation! Did you make it to the finals? I saw you were in the competition. I think you were in the finalists so you must have made it. I will look for your poem. Thanks for your kind comments and applause!


  • burning alive
    March 31, 2007

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    Wow

    very interesting! I never really thought about it like that. Very thought provoking *is thoughtful now.* Keep up the good work and good luck in the contest.

    -Angel-


  • Namita
    January 10, 2007

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    IMPORTANT CONTEST UPDATE

    Point distribution --


    10 points - Picture

    50 points - Feel

    40 points - Spelling and Grammar

    100 points - Style and Beauty

    30 points - Following the rules

    50 points - Inner meaning and expression

    20 points - Presentation.


    BONUS +25 - Good background


    MINUS -25 - Late antries, Violation of rules

    Luv,
    Candy


  • debilynn gold member
    January 9, 2007
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    water to love...great comparison! the rhythm and rhyme is wonderful. the cadence just takes one to the end. this poem is fabulous. you are a very talented poet. keep the ink flowing. God bless you

    • DawnBaby
      January 10, 2007
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      Thank you!

      Very appreciated debilynn, your time spent reviewing and your kind comments! I see you read a few of my poems, so glad you enjoyed!


  • WindUpEnigma gold member
    August 14, 2006
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    Definitely original. Perfect flow, beautiful imagery. Important question, though: have you already won a trophy for this piece? (if not...that's insane...but anyway...)
    Thanks for entering, and good luck.
    --EP


  • DawnBaby
    July 18, 2006
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    Thank you

    Thank you for your review and kind comments, very appreciated!


  • drowningintheembers
    July 17, 2006
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    wow this is amazing. I really enjoied it and I never thought abotu comparing love to water so theres a good amount of creativity points! Great job!


  • DawnBaby
    July 17, 2006
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    Thank you!

    Thank you so much for the kind review and comments Angel, very much appreciated. Thanks!


  • burning alive
    July 17, 2006
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    awesome way of thinking! I like the comparison of love to water! keep up the good work!

    See ya later!
    -Angel-

  • DawnBaby
    July 16, 2006
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    Appreciated

    Thank you MoriningWinds for your kind comments and applause, I so appreciate your time spent reviewing. Also nice to hear you enjoyed it, thanks!

  • DawnBaby
    July 16, 2006
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    Thanks!

    Thank you so much lovinlife88, so glad you enjoyed my poem, thank you for taking the time to comment and review, always appreciated!

  • DawnBaby
    July 16, 2006
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    Very Appreciated

    Thank you so much haylow for your kind comments and applause, so appreciate your time and especially from the feature box! I will review you as well. Thank you again!

  • DawnBaby
    July 16, 2006
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    Appreciated

    Thank you Soulful Woman, I just wrote a poem about you! Called Woman. Thank you for your kind comments and taking the time to review, always appreciate a comment when I feature, I will review one of your pieces in turn. Thank you!

  • haylow
    July 16, 2006
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    brill

    Oh I absolutely love this one! Yes I totally agree that love can be complared to water! Great thinking! It is very nicely written and presented!!! Great work!!!
    WEll Done!
    hayley x


  • MorningWinds
    July 16, 2006
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    Wow... this is an amazing write. You've done a wonderful job comparing love and water and it amazes me to see how well a person can do that. Very well done, you have my applause.


  • innocence jaded.xx
    July 16, 2006
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    amazing!

    Ooh I really liked this! I loved how you compared water to love! That was simply brilliant! WOW! This got my attention right away! Great write and good luck in that contest!


  • Soulful Woman silver member
    July 16, 2006
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    I like the way this compared love to water. It was very nicely done. Good Work.

    Soulful Woman

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