I'll lure you to luxury, kiss every sense,
Tease you with subtle, seductive, suspense,
From the tops of my cliffs to the beaches below,
Explore in my wilderness. Ebb with my flow.
Roll with the waves in my soft tender eyes,
Hide in my caves from tempestuous skies.
Lapping, massaging each feminine curve
My waters are rich with the touch you deserve
Come closer, come closer with quickening heart,
Surrender and drown in my watery art
Reach for my breast, for the heat of my core,
Anchor your vessel and land on my shore,
Brush your moist lips on my satin-smooth skin,
Imagine my softness as felt from within,
Feel yourself pressing against my pure form,
And steer your ship to the bay of my storm,
Crash on these rocks to my slow siren song,
Shipwreck your heart here, where you belong.
Author notes
This is the current "complete" draft - the working draft is also on my page if you are REALLY keen to offer crit and help me out with where this might be going.
It's far from finished, but this gives an easier read than the working draft if you want to get an idea of what I'm trying to achieve.
ANY HELP APPRECIATED - PLEASE BE HONEST - I AM HARD TO OFFEND!
I JUST NOTICED THE UNINTENTIONAL WAVES/CAVES INTERNAL RHYME IN THE LAST 2 LINES OF THE FIRST STANZA - DOES ANYONE THINK IT WORTH ADDING IN AN INTERNAL RHYME TO THE LAST 2 LINES OF EVERY STANZA?
Written July 13th, 2006
A contest entry
- Anything goes. by still.she.waits.
600 points, ended April 1, 2008, 113 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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amazing.
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Thank you for entering my contest. As always your poem is just fantastic. You are one of the hardest working poets that I know on AP. You are contiually improving your poetry, but I think that this one is just perfect as it is. I think this one is a completed masterpiece.
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Verbal Spurt - no worries, I'm glad you liked it.
Take care.
LB
x -
This was refeshing. It was actually more lyrical than anything else. A really sweet piece of writing.
However, it's not exactly what I'm looking for. Therefore, in order to make judging easier, I am going to remove it from the contest. I hope you understand.
Thank you for sharing anyway!
xAx
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i think this is really good loveboots, a quite beautiful write,
well done,
alex
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JackJumper - Thank you for reading, I like your sense of humour!
Good luck inthe contest - I will check out your entry if I havn't already.
LB
x -
fantastic
i haven't read any others in the contest yet. something tells me you are a winner. can you please remove this from the comp as i want to win (only joking) -
Wonderful expression I think this is a breath-takingly beautiful piece. I love the imagery you employ throughout I just think this is stunning. Thank you so much for entering and good luck in my contest
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Myron,
Thank you for reading and commenting so fully on Shipwreck.
You asked what I thought of your comments:
I am grateful you have taken so much time to read so carefully and to make useful points - this rarely happens. You have commented on something of mine before, a haiku, and you were very helpful then too - thank you.
I agree with you that the punctuation in this piece needs some attention, I will be looking at that when I next revise it. I like your suggestion of removing the commas.
You ask what I mean by "kiss every sense". Well, this is very metaphorical, it can mean whatever you want it to, whatever someone could do to spoil and tantalise everything you feel would be like kissing your senses. It can be made as personal or sexual as you want - the poem is erotic.
You ask if I'm sure I want the heart to be shipwrecked - yes, I do. A siren was a mythological creature who would sing on the rocks so sweetly that passing ships would not be able to resist the seductive song, the sirens would tempt them close to the shore where they would be doomed to shipwreck. Sirens are temptresses, seductresses, and very very dangerous! Tragedy and disaster are what this piece is all about. This is no tender love poem!
- It might be worth a comment in the author notes.
Many thanks,
LB
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Heropsychodreamer,
Thank you for reading and commenting - and for understanding what this poem is meant to be about!
I really appreciate your input.
LB
x -
Breathtaking
hehe not like you need any more applauds but you defently deserve one more. .. i love the imagery you've created is just magnificent. I love every bit of this. And I think you're the first person to find one of ap's backgrounds to really go with every part of your poem. I love the ending.. It's really sweet. keep up the awesome work!!
X3X3
Sara. -
I really like how well you wrote this, the imagery is really vivid, and in a lot of places the comparisons/metaphors are sexual in their own nature too.
I particularly like these lines:
Crash on these rocks to my slow siren song,
Shipwreck your heart here, where you belong.
Siren song brings about a sensual image of irresistable beauty, and it's really appropriate with the whole "water" and "caves" imagery you've created. I might go check your working draft if you're actually still writing more to this. Awesome write anyways though. -
First... I love the poem. The personification works really well as written. You've acheived a wonderful write with simplicity of form and rhyme. You substantiate my belief that GOOD writing need not be flowery or showy. My only advise would be to read the poem to yourself, aloud, several times. If you stumble, then other readers will too. Personally I cannot fault the poem. It is beautifully understated seduction. The eroticism WILL be appearant to the receptive reader.
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this is a wonderful draft of a poem. i like the way it is erotic and romantic at the same time.
i notice that you have asked for suggestions. i have a couple:
i think the end of a line of poetry is a pause in itself, so it doesn't need a comma there. you could think of prunning off a few (in not most) of these.
my other suggestions are more like questions:
what do you mean by 'kiss every sense'? that doesns't quite make sense to me.
the other is:
are you sure you want the 'heart to be shipwrecked'? a shipwreck is a tragedy and a disaster, often involving loss and pain; so i'm not sure if this is the kind of love you are looking for. perhaps you are, lol. otherwise, i wonder if you could find another more optimistic sea metaphor?
what do you think of my comments? it's wonderful to see you are endeavouring to make this poem as perfect as possible. it shows that you are a true poet and not just a dabbler.
all the best with your revisions,
myron.
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4 thumbs up!
You've piece together a solid piece of poetry to which I would officially declare finished. Your poem flowed very well and your rhyming scheme was well balanced.
-Keep the ink flowing!
-Dave -
This is a very well written piece and it keep the readers interest well. I liked the flow as it was easy to read. Thanks for sharing this piece and keep penning.....Michael
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Hey boots! Wonderful! You found your two lines. The internal rhyme in the last two in the first stanza is powerful and immediately noticeable. However, I don't know that I would necessarily change the rest. This was such a lovely piece without it, that I'd hate to loose meaning or potency in the editing process. If you do change it, though, I'd love to see it again ... it's wonderful to watch your work evolve.
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whoa...not at all what i expected it to be. don't change anything. its beautiful.
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astralsheperd - thanks very much for taking the time to read and comment on shipwrecked. If you have time I would really appreciate it if you could pin-point where the rhyme/meter/flow don't quite work for you. I always appreciate the opportunity to make something better.
Many thanks,
LB
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You have a nice poem here, good flow and easy rhymes and a gentle rhythm if you were on of my students and i had to grade it i would give it an seven out of ten for rhyme, meter and flow; a nine out of ten for content. Your content has outweighed any other objections I might have and your internal rhymes are a plus. If you felt you needed to add more internal rhyming, well, that would be o.k. but it is not as important, to me, as the imagery and i would, if it were my poem (which it is not so you can take my comment and shove it if you wish) I would be careful not to hurt that part of your work for the sake of an internal rhyme. To me, imagery is more important here within your context. Overall, i enjoyed the poem very much. Blessing and best wishes, ~richard
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Pollycheck - thank you for you comment on Shipwreck - I always appreciate helpful input. That line is the one I am having trouble with too, I dont like it at all and I am trying to find a completly different alternative. Thank you for reading properly and making a useful comment and suggestion, it is rare that anyone really bothers. I will check out your pages ASAP.
LB
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This is a nuice poem. It is slightly erotic. maybe it is my mind shrugf Kepp writing.
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I think that you have penned a very sensual and erotic poem here. I think that it is very good the way it is written. The only suggestion I would make would be to the line:
"From the tops of my cliffs down to beaches below"
This line stays with the flow, but for some reason the word "down" doesn't seeem to work for me. maybe you could try something like this:
"From the tops of my cliffs, to my beaches below"
Just a suggestion, because it does read very well just the way it is. Great Job!!!
Edited on Jul 14, 9:37 p.m. because 'typo'. -
I wanted to read this again, but couldn't find in your lists...
Want to applaud again, will see if I can... Fine work !! -
Boots ! (I meant) - This is one of the better peices I have read on the site -
Form, meter, rhythm, rhyme, nicely done -
Poetry, in motion, as is said...
One to remember, and the visuals it leaves a reader are valued...
Top Shelf, baby.
em.
Glad to see a POET here.
Edited on Jul 14, 9:44 p.m. because ''. -
I LOVED THIS!!! IT was great i though, MuchLove Keep on writing
~Amber~ -
Hi Loved this poem it flows smoothly and keeps th ereader interested all the way through. the imergery was wonderful painting pictures from the off.well done. it also kept me guessing as to who or what the subjects are.
thank you
well done
keep writing
karen -
Wow Symph, comming from you thats much appreciated compliment! Thank you.
I'm not sure about the 3rd line, might change it completly. The rest I am pretty happy with now though.
Cheers,
Take care,
LB
x -
Beautiful
I loved this. The imagery you used was provocative and beautiful. The tastefullness of this write rises above the normal erotica. If this is just a draft to you, then you are being too hard on yourself. It is done. Wonderfully so. -
LB ... I am ... Speechless, and I would not touch a SINGLE word on this page, this poem is perfect ... It reads like a masterpiece, it is tastefully loving yet erotic at the same time, damn damn personal and .. well ... My good god, like i said i am speechless, this is a masterpiece - you should promote this and get more to read it, its astounding!!!!
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I loved it
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