The tremble that is kept quite within
Strengthens with the coming wind
My heart grows cooler as if
I'm in tune with the changing season
These quiet wakings wield
silent slashing in places
consistently kept raw
Unable to release
I only draw in more disease
But I'm holding on tonight
Hanging from something I'm not
fit to hold
My heart shyly splits and unfolds
And I'm holding on tonight
to something I refuse to release
Circumstance holds me in his
cumbersome waters, amongst the deceased
Unable to shake this feeling
off of these shoulders to settle
on to Earths quirky equilibrium
Holding on to terror
Until I have no more
But I am sorrows holy pilgrim
Dangling fear first
from that which I hold
My heart shyly splits
and unfolds
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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I could totally feel the essence of the write, but I felt that the intensity was lost, or rushed; towards the end, otherwise a good and connecting poem.
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Very nice! The background is beautiful. The write is beautiful. Nicely done! I love it
Keep up the awesome job!
The One and Only...
~Lynn Jones
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I think you took shortcuts to meaning where an explanation was in order...and elaborated where it was completely unnecessary. Some sort of asthetic overcompensation. An excess of words where there was a loss of meaning.
Not that it's not pretty...or that the meaning isn't there...
but that Billy Corgan would have done it differently. -
This is really beautiful. (I love the background aswell).
Keep holding on love -
Hang in there!
So much angst! You capture your uncertainty and painful growing pains somewhat vividly with barely concealed references to suicide. There is a sense of hope lying beneath this, though, and for that I am grateful. It was difficult to read some lines due to your background, so you may want to fix that. Also, a very long break between stanzas. That is merely format, though. I think you've captured something genuine in this poem! Aloha! -
incredible,I love the background,and the poem rocks!
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"My heart shyly splits and unfolds"
ohhh. i love that
great write.
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Very good write! Nice wording, good flow. The only mistakes were that "quiet" is spelled wrong twice, but that's all. Good job!
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vary well said
i like it even tho i am not the best wrighter.i dont think any of my peaces could say that much so clearly but
i realy like it even tho it beets my peoms from by a long shot take these this is the first time i have used them
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emotional, thought provoking
I have to concur with bloodcries' comment above; a little difficult to read with the yellow text on busy background. I can feel the strong emotion in your words; thought provoking write. Keep on penning
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Beautiful as always. In spots it was a little hard to read given the contrast between background and text but hey, who cares when the poem is this good! The last lines really pack a punch. Well done hun!
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HHmmm.... do i dare?? The word usage is unique and has a precarious feeling to it which seems to be intended. However in the first two stanzas, is "quite" the word you want to use or is it quiet? I don't know, perhaps I'm remiss but it may read easier if this is different. I love the shyly splits and unfolds. impressive imagery. take care.
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fascinating and unique
unique and thought provoking piece! well done!! - you have truly created, Creatress!! great stuff!!
atb..................................Lionslove
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Hanging on, Treading within, Breaking the silence in fading foot
Steps, not wanting to be heard, Drowning out the demons, Playing
For keeps, Living in fear on the edge an illusion of whats to come, Very powerfully penned, Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work.. -
Love it!
Beautiful job on this poem! I love the wording and the flow to this piece, it's very descriptive and evokes the emotions in the reader. Keep up your writing! ~prncslilxshade -
lovely
Heehe. I guess this poem has been in more that one contest,heehe. This was a really great poem, I enjoyed reading it a lot and I thank you so much for entering it! It was truelly amazing!Good write,Keep it up! -
Wow Wonderfully writen thanks for entering my contest , The flow is amazing, this is a great poem. Well Keep on writing and gook luck
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Very well done.. the flow through the entire piece was constant and made this poem compelling... and the rhyme at the end closed it off nicely.. i odn't think i have criticing for this poem.. well done... keep writing
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