universe
of forms and colors ~~
painting in a gallery
Author notes
Written July 11th, 2006
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I had used the same metaphor in an erstwhile poem of mine...you ave captured it beautifully as well....
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thank you, gina, for your advice ...
and your breathing exercises ... it made me smile ...
your humour and kindness are very much appreciated.
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thank you for your suggestions, charishma.
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oh .. and the fact a 'starry night' takes you back out again into a longer shot (movie point wise) is a great switchback on the close viewpoint which is in fact a painting ... (before anyone says anything) ...
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universe
of forms and colors ~~
painting in a gallery
oh .. dear .. i can so hear your struggle ... now stop !
breathe deeply ... in through the nose out through the mouth ....
you have the makings of an excellent moment here ....
breathe ! close your eyes and go through the moment in your eye again ...
playing here ... yours to use or lose ... but try to tap into YOUR OWN experience ... - i am playing to break the block !
the universe
in a gallery --
starry night
(this is a title of a van gogh painting - of course the punchline may be lost on the many ... but even a starry night tells it ?) ...
or
the universe
in a painting --
water lily
(or anything that is of value to you - something from your backyard ... something that is meaningful to you ... something that represents the universe and is in your backpocket !)
oh .. one more thing ... any and all suggestions are allowed to be adopted whole and unedited by the author - any changes are minute and the original idea is the authors so within such a small form - all suggestions are yours (to use or lose !!)
>>> GINA
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Dear Sis,
I can feel and see how frustrated haiku can make you. It takes quite some time, months and well, even years, to get it down pat.
Everyone who came by this poem has said everything. Maybe I can help too. But then, I am not doing too well on this I feel
artwork gallery is a good way to begin this (keep it as L1)
in an art gallery
inspired by a painting -
two lovers kiss
This is something I recently saw in a movie on DVD.
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10 Years?????????? I am now swirling Did it really take you 10 years? Oh my god......you have tonnes of patience to learn and you have definitely perfected haiku
Char
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thank you, myron, for your wise words.
and best wishes to you, too.
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hi marion- great to hear that you have bought jane's book. it taught me how to write haiku. before i read it i had been fumbling with the form without success for about ten years.
i don't think that good poetry comes to us naturally & easily. i know that it's much easier to write a mediocre poem. all great art takes a huge effort.
best wishes,
myron.
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thank you, myron, for your kind guidance in this adventure.
I am still trying to find my style and poetry-forms which allow me to express the song of my soul.
maybe haiku is not a form for me after all ...
as it doesn't come to me naturally (I have to make a big effort), and I just don't seem to get it right ...
nevertheless, I have just ordered jane reichhold's book about haiku at amazon.fr., and will thoroughly study it, before giving up on haiku completely ...
I really am thankful to you, myron, to azure85 and emerald13, for your loving care for all of your participants, and for your masterful and instructive suggestions for each one of the entries and thank you so much for your precious input of time and energy.
with much gratitude,
and kindest wishes for the "haiku-trio"
marion
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universe
of forms and colors ~~
painting in a gallery
thanks for your revision & for your explanation. writing a haiku can be frustrating can't it?
your second line still doesn't give me a clear image. this energy you seem to want to describe just doesn't come through. what energy do you refer to? it has to be something the readxer can see or hear.
perhaps the problem is that your connections are too far apart. you start with the universe & zoom into a painting. it's a huge leap for a reader to make.
perhaps the haiku would more more focused if your first line wasn't so far removed from this world? then you could have the art gallery in the second line & bthe painting as a close-up?
i dunno; perhaps i'm looking at your haiku in a wrong way. what do you think?
myron.
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thank you myron for your constructive comment.
I really seem to struggle with this one ...
my idea was to start with the (vast) universe - space -
and zooming into the forms it contains (energy) -
and in the last line, as a close-up, showing
a painting (in a gallery)which reflects - or artistically translates the images used in the first two lines ...
I have changed the more abstract statement of "swirling energy" into "forms and colors" - and added the "gallery" in the last line, describing a concrete place where this "painting" (which was just "artwork" before) is exposed.
let's see if this works ...
thank you again for your support.
marion -
universe
of swirling energy ~~
watercolor-painting
good to see that you already have some good, constructive suggestions for your haiku.
i'm not too sure of your second line as it still seems more of a statement. i don't get a clear image of what kind of energy is swirling in this universe.
i notice that there was an art-gallery in an earlier version & i wonder why that has been removed.
what moment are you trying to capture in this haiku?
i look forward to your response,
myron.
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thank you, dear dennis, for visiting and commenting on my humble poem. I enjoy this workshop-contest very much.
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beautiful
Marion, I also like the premise and subject of you haiku. Nature is not a reflection of art, ART is a reflection of nature. We live in a beautiful world and universe. Our art feebly reflects the granduer of what we see. Good write my friend, Dennis
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thank you so much, marianne, for the magic of your words and your kind applause on this little haiku !
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I could feel your loving intention in your words and considered it as an honor and a favour you have granted me.
I am very sensitive to such kindness.
thank you, gina.
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marion ... thank you for the lovely note ... i so appreciate that you took my comments as constructive as is my intent ... it seems that intent doesnt always come across ...
good luck with revisions ... i shall look forward to see what you do with this piece ... as i said ... fabulous premise ...
>> GINA -
thank you so much susie for your very sweet comment on my haiku still in construction ... I believe it will go through some more transformation ... how wonderful.
I am grateful for this new opportunity you and myron have offered us here with this workshop-contest.
marion -
thank you very much, gina, for your very constructive comment.
I will be happy to work on this haiku to show what I had in mind. your advice helps me greatly already.
what I tried to express was:
long view: universe
closer view: energy contained in it
aha-moment in close-up view: I was actually describing a watercolor-painting in a gallery (the one in my border)
now, I will ponder on a possible improvement, so the message will become clearer ...
thank you again so very much.
marion -
vast universe
of swirling energy ~~
artwork in a gallery
ooo this is very good ... i love the premise but i think you are telling far more than showing ... and i think for the movie technique you have got lines two an dthree mixed up ...
i see line one as the long point of view
the artwork as going in closer
and line two as the macro view
a universe IS vast ... so the word is redundant
swirling energy is okay if not a little well used
and it would be great if you could bring more of the actual artwork into the piece and not just say artwork ... although i see someone has tied it to van gogh .. as did i ... (there's a tip) ... >>> GINA -
Swirling Galaxies in an art-filled universe. Beautiful. Sometimes the magic is even found ing a dime store snow globe!
Great Write!
Marianne -
Hi maa, and welcome to our haiku contest!
vast universe
of swirling energy ~~
artwork in a gallery
This is a lovely haiku, with a great third line AHA. I can envision Van Gogh, and Starry Night with this.
I look forward to reading more of your entries, and I am sure myron will add some lovely comments as well.
Susie -
Dear Maa rose, Wow, beautiful visual and lovely imagery! This is probably a workshop but I am sure you will do well under the poetic eye of very capable mentors. Belle
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