Part 1 - The Nightmare Begins
It was 10:30pm on a Friday. I didn't know that intuitively and I definitely couldn't tell by the position of the moon and stars. Those were probably shining somewhere, but not in the middle of the city. Not when the halogen lights overpowered them; hiding the partying people from a blanket of stars, a blanket of peace.
I knew the time because Jordana had just called me…again. This time she wasn't very pleased. In fact, it'd be safe to say she was extremely annoyed.
It was the little things that gave it away. The fact that she didn't say hello comes to mind. She just told me to get my butt away from my 'precious samples', away from my 'precious lab' and get home before she came here and dragged me there by the ear. Maybe it was the use of the word 'precious' that tipped me off, but I heeded the warning - being dragged by the ear anywhere is painful.
When I made it to the car park I only really noticed my car. My car that was parked in the very far corner of the very large car park. I sighed, "At least I remembered to park under a light." I was always getting lectures about personal safety from my over protective girlfriend, mainly because of my talent for losing track of time and working late (today would be a pretty perfect example).
As I walked across the car park, the hair on the back of my neck tingled and I felt like I was being watched. I put my hand in my bag and fingered the personal key ring alarm I'd been given for Christmas, and the bottle of deodorant. It may be illegal to carry mace or even pepper spray, but deodorant could be just as bad, if not worse.
I heard an engine start behind me and relaxed - just another late night worker heading home. Tyres creaked on the concrete behind me and I turned slightly to watch the car pass me.
But it didn't pass. The lights blinded me for a second and I felt the bumper hit my legs, the windscreen hit my face, the roof hit my back, and then the ground hit me a few times. My world exploded in pain as the car drove on.
Somehow I'd kept hold of my bag and with no idea of how I managed it, I found my mobile phone in my hand and saw myself press redial.
I coughed and gagged because of the taste of blood that movement had caused. When Jordy answered I could hear a siren and foggily remembered my key ring.
"I'm sorry," I whispered. That effort nearly made me black out.
"Al, is that you?" she paused, waiting for a response but I couldn't form anymore words. "I forgive you for being late. You know I can't stay mad at you. Just hurry home."
More silence and the buzzing in my head grew louder. I knew I was running out of time, running out of energy.
"Honey," a worried note had entered her voice now. "What's that noise? Is that your.."
"I love you," I don't know if she heard me or if she replied. I thought I heard my name coming from somewhere far away.
The buzzing in my head grew too intense and my eyes closed. Breathing became too much of an effort, and finally the darkness claimed me.
@@@@@@@@@
"I love you." It was a whispered declaration and I knew what it meant.
My mind cried out against the inevitable, but all I could whisper was "Al?"
"Alex?" I tried again. "Alexandria, …" I was getting desperate. The tears began to fall, "Please answer me."
I could hear laboured breathing then the squeak of rubber soles on concrete.
"Jesus, what the hell happened here?" faintly came through the mobile connection. The alarm that had been incessantly roaring since I answered the phone was finally silenced and I felt emptiness start to creep in.
"She's still alive. Call an ambulance." This voice was clearer and deeper, probably closer to the phone.
I called out, hoping the two men would hear me. "Hello. Please talk to me."
There was a scraping sound, most likely the phone grinding across the floor, then "Hello? Who's this?"
"J-Jordana." I stuttered. "Is she ok?"
"Hello Jordana. My name's Graham. I'm a paramedic. I heard the alarm and my friend Ethan and I decided to investigate." He sounded pleasant and somehow I felt at ease that Al was with him. I knew he'd look after her. "What's her name?"
"Al, …A-Alexandria Webb." Tears were falling again and I tried to compose myself. "Please tell me how she is."
"I can't honestly say Jordana. She doesn't look so good but there's an ambulance coming and ET and I are doing all we can. Can you tell me what happened to her?"
"I don't know… I answered the phone and she just said she was sorry and she loved me. Then… nothing," my breath caught and my heart stopped when I thought that might have been the last time I heard her voice. I wept quietly.
I heard a siren and mumbled voices before Graham spoke to me again. "Jordana, you still there?"
"I'm here," I said anxiously.
"We're going to Royal Brisbane Hospital. Can you meet us there?"
I assured him I'd be there in 30 minutes.
Author notes
This is a story not a poem. It is the first chapter of a pretty long story to come. Please leave a critical comment if you read this because i need all the help i can get.
Thank you
Written July 10th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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wow i don't usually read stories on here but i found yours extremley captivating. it was really well done and i hope to read the next part, and look forward to it. very intense! i loved it!
love jacinta -
i like this one a lot. Looking forward to the next part. You have an amazing talent, thanks for sharing with us, I look forward to more from you in the future.
~Amber~ -
awesome comment
Glenda,
first of all, thank you so much for taking the time to create a constructive criticism of my story so far. a lot of people will just say whether its good or bad and not tell you how to improve it or what is letting it down.
in answer to your critiques,
1) i'm trying to make Alex seem more of a nature lover and the type of person who just loves being able to see the stars and hates the daily grind, especially working in the middle of the city. if i just take out 'blanket of peace' would it seem less long-winded and preachy?
2) i do edit and re-edit a thousand times and i have a couple of friends who are constant editors before it gets posted. i haven't noticed an over use of the comma but i will try to watch for it in future. i suppose with editing, you try too hard for the flow and end up messing it up in places. if you could point out a few that really stand out i would really appreciate it. thanx
3) just another example of my editing being a little longwinded. i feel that part is important in the development of Al's and Jordy's relationship as it shows a true domestic dynamic that some lesbian stories seem to shy from - as though they fear that people will see that we lead normal lives and that will make us unintersting as a group (i think ppl are either interesting or boring and don't really think much about their sexuality so i don't get that). enough of my ranting, should i remove the last part 'being dragged by the ear anywhere is painful'?
4) i think as you read more of the chapters in the story, it would become easier to distinguish who is speaking. i only put a break in the middle of a chapter if the pov is changing, and i'm hoping that by the end of the first paragraph of each chapter everyone knows who is talking. the next three chapters are from Jordana's pov and i'm going to keep it to three pov's in the whole story (jordana's, alex's and the baddie's). i like the way this style is letting me explore each character so i will have to go with my heart on this one and keep the changing pov for the entire story. thank you though
5) really i just chose the names because i like them. i want the nicknames to become just something that they use for each other and that no one else uses. in part 2 i tried to emphasise that by showing that Al only responded when the shortened version of her name (the version Jordana uses) was used to try and rouse her. also, i'm wanting jordana to hate her full name except when she hears Al say it so it's something special between them.
thank you again for commenting and i hope this reply has some information you were looking for.
also, parts 2, 3 and 4 are completed, with part 5 on the way (just if you'd like to continue reading).
allpoetry.com/Poem/2116464
allpoetry.com/Poem/2118337
allpoetry.com/Poem/2118342
i'm glad the lesbian warning in the shameless promotion box didn't deter you.
take care
lillybet
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Edit to Excellence
First, thanks for the warning, si I coudld decide. It is the reaosn I clicked.
1) This is a great image: Those were probably shining somewhere, but not in the middle of the city. Not when the halogen lights overpowered them; hiding the partying people from a blanket of stars, a blanket of peace.
but a little long winded, can you say it more tightly?
2)You (like me) say in fact. I write it and then edit it over and over. Try to combine sentences instead of using this,
3)Again-- great start but try to cut it down and make it more percisise:It was the little things that gave it away. The fact that she didn't say hello comes to mind. She just told me to get my butt away from my 'precious samples', away from my 'precious lab' and get home before she came here and dragged me there by the ear. Maybe it was the use of the word 'precious' that tipped me off, but I heeded the warning - being dragged by the ear anywhere is painful
(and yes my spelling sucks)
4)Wow, you switch point of view. Be very careful here. Very difficult. I wuld not use I for Alexandria and Jordana both.
5) Names, make them important to the character. Why did you chose these??
Wonderful start!!! KEEP WRITING!!
Glenda -
unique, the characters are real enough for me to believe. I didnt notice the change of characters later, so i got confused alot. (dont worry I read it all over again). The story has a great start, more concentrating on characters than on the story, i completely forgot about the car that hit Al, more worried about the characters state. I liked the way you molded the relationship between the 2 main characters.
Looking forward to more, please info me if theres the next release.
Amazing read, thanks for the share
Cheers
-kal 24 -
I like that your writing something different than most people would. Anyways I'm looking forward to more of this so I'm going to add you to my favorites so I can see when you finish. This is such a unique love story and I already can tell that its going to be good.
Leandra -
i think i fixed it.
thanks for that
lillybet
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intense! on to part two...
also this is a small thing, but please note that in paragraph three, you switched tenses in the parentheses. not a big deal just a little thing that bugs me. -
thank you soo much.
i like to think it's going well. i wrote this part just after christmas i think so it's also going rather slowly but that's okay.
i'll be putting part 3 and part 4 up today i hope and then you'll just have to wait for a while coz i'm still writing part 5.
it's gonna be a long one though so i hope you don't mind the wait.
take care and good luck with your studies
lillybet
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Excellent beginnings
oh! goosebumps ALLLLLLL OVER! My hair is standing on end and I'm sick to my stomach with worry. I want to read the 2nd part right away!
Oh boy... You have a talent for prose!
I am honored to share a name with such a talented individual as yourself.
Well Written! -
glad you liked it. there is more but it's not all up here yet.
it will be shortly. please keep reading and letting me know what you think.
take care
lillybet
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Fantastic start. Got me tearing up. Keep up the good work.
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