"No!!" She shouted into the phone.
Robin’s voice grew softer, more intense as she enunciated each word distinctly into the mouthpiece.
"What I want is for you to go away, period!"
Calmly clicking the off button, she handed the phone back to the co-worker who had given her the call, and continued to work through the noon day rush. Her manager never questioned her conversation and Robin didn't volunteer any information. When business slowed with clean-up complete, she asked for permission to leave and it was granted.
In the restroom, she stared blankly into the mirror a brief moment. She removed her hat, brushed her long blonde hair out of its creases and pulled it up in a pony tail. She braced herself for a long walk home. Politely refusing the ride offered by a co-worker, she shoved the glass dining room doors open. The outside heat engulfed her in stark contrast to the refrigerated air conditioning. She knew she had at least an hours walk before her, and she relished the chance to be alone with her thoughts and digest the happenings of that noon time hour.
It was incredibly inconvenient for Wade to sneak up to the back of the restaurant when things were a madhouse, jump into Robin's car and drive away. The fact that he then called her from a nearby payphone to inform her he had done so, and that he would be glad to sell the car back to her, had been the final straw. To think, the price he quoted her was the same as the car’s purchase price three years before. Did he assume she had no math skills whatsoever?
Finally, though, she would be free of him, no matter what. If she had to walk until doomsday, she would not give him one more cent or moment of her life. Ten years were plenty. She had given him all she possessed except her very soul. That, she would give to no man.
They had separated nearly a year ago. Upon leaving, he agreed to take the Dodge Dakota registered to both of them and assured her the Black Nissan was hers to keep even though it had been purchased in his mother's name. She should have kept the truck. She made the majority of the payments on both vehicles and he had simply gotten someone to forge her name on the Dakota documents and traded it in on a brand new Lincoln Navigator.
Did he not realize that the only reason he wasn't behind bars again was because she had opted not to bring it up to authorities? As a two time loser, he would have been in some pretty deep legal trouble over it, but, once more, he had mistaken her niceness for weakness. He thought he could weasel some money out of her to support his habits again.
She doubted it was his new girlfriend he wanted to support. Though he had a weakness for women, he always made sure they had their own income as his addictions took all of his money and everyone else’s.
Robin chuckled a bit to herself as she mentally told Sarah, "Be careful whose husband you sleep with. You might have to keep him."
Robin really didn't hold anything against Sarah. She knew that she was just a woman like herself who fell for an oil slick tongue and a pretty smile.
Wade was one of those men women just fall all over. He was six foot three and handsome as he was tall. He carried himself like a champion even when he was beaten. He had struggled with his opiate addictions from his early teens. In fact, it had taken everything from him more than once. His money, his home, his children and his freedom had fallen victim to the destruction. Even his athletic career had been cut short as a result of his love, or better yet, need for drugs. It had been killing him for years, but no one seemed to notice. People just continued to sing his praises.
Robin could still clearly remember her initial thoughts upon their first introduction.
“There he stands, looking cool like a half baked camera, dodging dilemma to death.”
She had no idea how right she was at the time and was quickly won over by his charismatic chivalry and sob stories. He could spin a tale that would have a fisherman looking like an overblown soap salesman and could romance a girl into heaven if she gave him half a second of her time.
Wade had an eye for loyal women and Robin had been no exception. She stood by him through every gutter his addictions drug her through. She refused to be ashamed of him while he did two bouts of time in the state prison and she was there the day he was released to help him get past the drug dealers and liquor stores that guarded the doors to the bus station down the street from the prison. She had worked 65 hour weeks to ensure the bills were paid and their home was acceptable to the parole board. For ten years she made every effort to help him beat his disease.
The sun was heavy as she walked. Her sweat mixed with tears and slipped down her cheeks. As she licked her upper lip, she wondered why tears and sweat taste exactly the same. Wiping her forehead with the back of her hand, she walked harder, glad to be walking against a bit of south wind. Seemed she was always walking against the wind whether in breezes, gusts, or hurricane force gales that would slap most people back down to the pavement.
Robin’s heart ached as she remembered the last day Wade was a welcome part of her life. The incident that broke her and assured her that she had no more to give this big man happened in flicker of moment, but it had burned into her memory like figures seared into a brick wall after an atomic blast.
She had found a note in a pocket. That was all. It was just a simple slip of paper with the words, “I love you, pretty boy. I had a wonderful time this weekend, love, Sarah”.
Robin knew then that the weekend he claimed to be helping his mother had been just another fabrication to weave his deception into more quilting of disregard for her efforts. She had burned with anger at the thought of his being with this other woman and for her own stupidity and gullibility. Didn’t she realize by now that you could tell he was lying if there was sound uttering from his lips? She had felt like a blooming idiot.
It was a defining moment for her, though. She was finally finished trying to build a house that obviously had no floor to support it.
Wade came home that day to find every single thing he owned on the front porch. There were neatly stacked boxes of clothes, books, toiletries and anything else that she could find. He was enraged as if she had been the one who did something wrong.
It ripped her heart out to let him go, but it hurt even more when she found out he had gone directly from her front porch to Sarah’s bedroom, though he tried to tell people he was only storing things there because his wife had gone insane and kicked him out. Another tear fell as Robin remembered that he didn’t even bother saying he was sorry. Though, she was a bit grateful for it because, goodness knows, she would probably have accepted him back into the house out of her heartfelt weakness for him.
The friends they had in common immediately disappeared from her life with the exception of one or two. They befriended Sarah and even sometimes had the nerve to tell Robin about the wonderful evening they spent with the new couple. People can be cruel without realizing it when they are fair weather friends out for their own betterment. Real friends had become a treasure that Robin guarded with an appreciation only felt by those who have found themselves completely abandoned.
Since the separation, he had continued to take anything he could from her. She had to have the locks changed so that he couldn’t come in while she was at work. He claimed the television, the video recorder, the dogs and the list went on and on. The only things he didn’t want were the things that wouldn’t fit in Sarah’s house or bring twenty bucks at the pawn shop. The car was the last thing she had and she could kick herself for not being a bit meaner and hiring an attorney to have it put in her name.
She had been so determined not to be owned by hate. She insisted on forgiving him so that he wouldn’t haunt her forever. She did everything she could to see to it that she would someday find peace and be able to let him go without growing a stone heart. If she grew cold and bitter, she knew he had won. She would not let him destroy the person she truly was or wanted to become.
Looking up from the pavement a moment, Robin was surprised that she was already a couple of blocks from home. She was passing a park where they had spent many hours playing with their dogs, his dogs now. She reached into her pocket and felt the car key on her key ring and immediately stepped off the sidewalk and onto the hiking trail that led to the small lake at the parks center. Her heart became a little lighter as she walked.
This park was truly an oasis in this dry dusty town in summer. The trees reached up to hug the sky while their shade spread in every direction giving solace from the heat on a cloudless afternoon filled with triple digits. She stopped along the way to crush a few juniper berries and take in the clean but distinct scent. How she loved the smell of juniper and flat cedar. The squirrels scurrying up the ancient pecan trees seemed to encourage her plan. The mocking birds and sparrows were singing a canticle of joy.
Finally she stood near the water’s edge. It wasn’t exactly blue or green, but it was water all the same. The ducks left a trail behind them as they swam close enough to see if she had brought them bread. A catfish rolled just off the bank under the heavy shade trees.
For a moment Robin absorbed the sights and sounds like a sponge. She grasped the set of keys in her pocket and pulled them out with a jingle. She worked the car key round and round the tight silver spiral that held it. The second it slipped off the ring, she flung it toward the sky as hard as she could throw. High in the air, it sailed and she counted the hang time until it landed in the middle of the lake in ripples growing large as her smile.
The key, like the car, was the last tie Wade had to her. It was the last thread of binding around her heart. There was no more he could take and no more left to give. As the key sunk to the lakes bottom to be buried in the mud, so sank the axe buried in her heart for the last year. Today she knew that Wade truly had no more tales to tell. It was finally finished.
With that, she turned her back on the lake, the key, the car and the past and headed home.
Author notes
APTP entry.
Prompt
(2) 'He was one of those solitary men; he paced the same line every day, gazed the same sky every night, and somehow yet... everyone examined him as though he had a tale to tell.'
Please be honest in your evaluations. If I lost you in the first couple of paragraphs, I was to know. If you like it I want to know. If you hate it I want to know. Get it? Got it! Good! 
Seriously, any feedback whatsoever is greatly appreciated.
Written July 9th, 2006
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1 - 12 of 12
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Quite good
This reads very well. You don't waste many words, and that is the mark of a good writer. There is easily enough to your plot to move the eye. I just like to read fiction in general. Critiquing fiction is risky business, though, because it's so much work to write, and because every writer has a style; this is your story. Obviously, if it were mine, I would use my style. I'll just toss out some ideas that struck me as I was reading, while noting that this works very well as-is. Come away from this review with the knowledge that I felt no compulsion to get up and make a sandwich before I had finished reading. Afterward, however ...damn, that was one hell of a sandwich.
1.
She had been so determined not to be owned by hate. She insisted on forgiving him so that he wouldn’t haunt her forever. She did everything she could to see to it that she would someday find peace and be able to let him go without growing a stone heart. If she grew cold and bitter, she knew he had won. She would not let him destroy the person she truly was or wanted to become.
Unless I'm mistaken, this paragraph is approximately an abstract for the story itself. You are right to begin in the moment. When you started out with the "No" part, I heard Robin's resolve, but not much else. You did an excellent job of describing her as a person thereafter, but I thought I'd mention it anyway.
--Maybe this idea is crap, but what if, just before the phone part, you spliced in a cut-scene from a memory Robin has of some past interaction between herself and Wade? A mostly pleasant one (5 years back, say), but with a definite taint of the asshole in him right toward the end. Since the words coming from the other end of the line don't matter to her anyway, you can supplant them with anything you want. Then you could shatter the past by cutting straight to what you've got at the beginning here when she coolly hangs up on him.
It has been a painful experience for her, and it took her 10 years to find the courage/resolve/etc. to consciously decide to get rid of him. She even put up with loneliness while he was in jail. There was something of value for her in the relationship, and surely it must lie somewhere in their dynamic as a couple. What is she giving up? I think just a wee bit of history would sell that and tell the reader more about who she is/has been (also Wade, and their personality as a couple). If you do it short, sweet, and in the right way, it could even complement the character exposition that fills out the rest of your story so well. It would work best, I think, if a] it didn't paint him as 100% jerkface, and b] whatever she is remembering doesn't directly apply to the situation at hand. A long one, yes, but just a thought.
2. What if your fourth wall were less robust? I could "be" Robin more. For example,
"As she licked her upper lip, she wondered why tears and sweat taste exactly the same."
could just as easily have been,
"[whatever]....Funny how tears and sweat taste exactly the same." You can give the narrative her explicit monologue without switching to first person. That allows your reader to get to know your character even more personally, just by watching her do things--while you are talking about something else entirely. Since the whole story is told from her perspective, anyway, I thought I'd mention it.
3. This is a lot like #1, but it's more general. I want to know more about Wade personally. What's his last name? Maybe it's my male perspective--I know one reason some women are attracted to a man is because they want to help/nurture/etc. As I currently know him, though, Wade seems like a charming, strong-willed, albeit pathetic, smack-addicted sociopath. Is there something honest about him? If so, you could really sell Robin's internal conflict when she kicks his punk ass out of the house by giving the reader something to like about him--some specific thing about him that it hurts her to lose, or that she always liked about him, even when he was being cruel. This element is already present to some extent in the part about playing with the dogs.
4. Relative to Robin, who is Sarah?
If it were my own work (see previous disclaimer), I would put #1 in, if nothing else, because that's my style. You really don't need to do any of this stuff, though. I liked your creative wordplay (the triple-digits part, for example).
This is really well done, and virtually bereft of choppiness, with a level of depth that is impressive for such a short work. I'm impressed, anyway. Have some coffee
~Morgan
Edited on Jul 23, 2:44 p.m. because ''. -
I am in awe of this story. It hooked me, had fluidity, was strong in the development of characters, contained a vivid setting and further the only errors found were simply three words that lacked an apostrophe.
That's incredible. I think this piece just found itself a home in the APTP Hall of Fame (being created, and shortly to be posted mind you.)
Congratulations,
J -
No difficulty in reading this right through. Once I had grasped that Robin was the female character (not necessarily so) it all became clear and plain sailing. "Looking cool like a half-baked camers" did not sound apt. And as for leaving a trite note in his pocket about the pleasures of the past weekend, well that was too much to believe. There was nothing except sentimental value in it and would have been the first thing to discard.....unless... the objective was for Robin to find it. Nice readable bit of work . William
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The depth you've built in your characters and the life you've given them are superb; you really manipulate the reader into empathy. You've managed to centre the piece around a single event without it apppearing uneventful atall. You've thrown in some excellent imagery and analogies, making it a very intimidating piece, lol. The only problems I could spot, in all honesty; were the occasional spelling or grammar mistake- nothing terribly important. Great work, it really speaks for you.
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fine ~ needs a subtle twist?
Characterization of the persona is very strong. You begin well, with short and sharp "grab" to the reader's attention. She has an hour's walk. We soon know why. Wade bercomes the typical male heel. Robin the martyr. The victim. I'd love for her to somehow give him back his own medicine. As in real life, it was not to be. I read it through even though I am hungry and need to cook my midday meal. (
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Thank you , Wynette. from Ron.
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Thanks so much for your feedback. I was able to decide on some tweeks based on your suggestion. Thanks for taking the time to read and give an honest evaluation It was truly helpful.
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Thanks so much for your feedback and impression of the story. I certainly hate that you had to go through all that you have, but I am glad that you survived and were able to move on and experience better things in life
Sometimes life isn't easy but it is certainly doable
Thanks again for stopping by. -
WOW! This is very well done..mmm. and much longer than mine
I loved this... THose lines were very inspirational... I hope mine will be good enough... I haven't written anything but poetry in so long 
Best of luck sweety
Mel
Looks AWESOME to me 
-splashes some more rain water to you-
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"it had burned into her memory like figures seared into a brick wall after an atomic blast." I like this simile a lot.
I think this story was great. You describe the character's personalities very well, and you also explained how they changed good too. I think the imagery and creativity with the setting was awesome, I felt like I was in your story, watching everything that happened. This story was filled with metaphors and similes and they all looped together as one, just with your very last sentence. I find a lot of hope in this story and I am sure you will do fine this round in APTP. Good luck!
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I think you did a really amazing job with this. I admit, at first, I was curious as to whether or not it was going to fill out. I didn't really feel the environment when she was at work. But once she was off on her own, the story seemed to take off. And to really come to life. I think she was wonderfully formed, as was he.
When she threw the key into the water, the sentence following, describing the scene is very vital though. And I felt the "Up, up" took from it. Made it seem almost like a child's story, when everything leading up to it had been so much more eloquently spoken.
The transition from memories to present and back were very smooth and skillfully done. There were no loose ends.
I usually have a really hard time focusing to read things of length. Especially online. I get distracted very easily. But in all honesty, your method of describing things really does absorb.
Thank you so much for sharing this work, and allowing me to review it. I really enjoyed it.
jamie
Edited on Jul 09, 4:01 p.m. because 'I was dropped on my head as a child'. -
thistle this is written very well full of imagery and it takes on so much meaning especially for those who hwve lived it.i have lived some of it, the lieing, cheating ,drugs,untrue stories being told about me to others.the drugs in his lifemade him hurt my preciuos little boy .before he was two years of age.no child should ever be hurt that way, as for me i got over it this time and moved on and remarried. i still love him but he know longer can hurt me the way he did,we my son n i have frogiven him, and he has told my our son, he is truly sorry for the things he put him through,my son is a loving little boy who believes in god.he has written things n i have posted them for him read them if you like .his sc for here is Bubba-Louie.i pray that this is just a write for you,but if it's true to life ,you've done an awsoome job of writing about it,i pray god will blessn keep you, has the makins of a great book here keep up the excellent writing
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Brilliantly Vivid
The imagery and descriptions in this story touches so many people that have experienced this in real life. Deep emotions of mental abuse as well as deceit told with a hint of true experiences by many who have walked this road before. Well Done is the least I can say.
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