I've been a daughter for twenty years,
Same old house,same old dinner conversations.
Cursing the dishes,
Wishing never to get married.
A mother and a father are now crying their own silent tears,
Both strangers under the same stone,
I even forgot to call them...
I've been a bloody student for half of my life,
Chewing rubber books,
Dreaming to rewrite my own history.
The ink is flowing,spiting the words
But I forgot how to turn the page...
I've been a woman for a couple of years,
Smelling roses,worshiping the lipstick,
Crazy for Venice and feeding with romantic letters.
Still hunting for strangers
Cause I forgot who sent them...
I've been a mother for months,
Dancing with glow worms,
Inside opal fairytale,
Playing with supernatural puppets,
But I forgot the way back to reality...
I've been a *bunny* for seven minutes,
Raping some hot lips with devouring lust,
Screaming hands seeking a shape to rest on,
As I end in an empty bus,
Still tasting the pleasure
For I forgot myself...
Author notes
. . .
A contest entry
- Modern-Style Free Verse by andsparksflyup.
400 points, ended July 11, 2006, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dirty Fingernails by Polaja.
700 points, ended April 5, 2007, 30 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I am not Ophelia... (extended to end after the new year begins) by ellipsist.
1500 points, ended January 7, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Living Life Your Way by gettingoutofme.
390 points, ended July 22, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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This is a very intriguing poem and definitely catches peoples' attentions. God luck in my contest.
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"The ink is flowing, spiting the words"
should "spiting" be "spitting" ...?
I like the tone of this piece, the comparisons, the metaphor, the stark reality... spaces should come after commas in order to indicate that they are separate words and thoughts...
anyway, other than that, no qualms about this piece... very cleverly worded throughout...
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This is a marvelous poem.
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Very interesting piece. I like the progression of the stanzas and the tone. Love the line "Chewing rubber books."
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I love this. It's so real and full of tangible images. One of the best I've read from you.
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Judge #2 Says...
Well actually that was pretty good. I'm not sure how the combined sins will work with the other judge but I overall like the feel of this poem. If I had to pick one..I'd say maybe gluttony? For getting tired of what you have//or wanting more of something new. Nice write. -
Wow- this was stunning- I loved this. It was so genuine and pure. This was a wonderful piece. I wish I had more to say about it but there really isn't much more to say other than that. Good job... Thanks for entering it in the contest!
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This was really good and very interesting.. Good luck with teh contest..
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i like this. love the parallelism and repetition of forgetting. the life-story whittled down to a few of the roles played, but the fact that they are just that... roles. love the shock of the last stanza... i didn't see that one coming!
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This is a thought provoking poem ... I love the way you have pogressed through different stages of life ... and the interpretation that you came up with was brilliant. Thankyou for entering.
Good Luck
Polly -
You don't seem to use spaces after your commas ... maybe this was intentional, but just letting you know
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I'll start, as usual, with the usual: OMG THIS IS BRILLIANT! And now, thinking of the poem, I am positive about one thing: this piece of art deserves a lot more than the usual OMG THIS IS GOOD!
So I'll start with overall analysis...( I can be such a nerd sometimes!) I think this is great! And you know why? Because I like the existance of the progression that, on further thinking on it, it actually is no progression! You've been a daughter for twenty years, a student for half of your life; you've also been a woman, a mother, and a *bunny*-but, if you read the poem from the last stanza up to the first, you realise you actually are the daughter, and all the other as well, in the same time! Only that some you've been more, some you've been less, and as the stanzas go by, you're less, and less. If that made any sense at all :| I know what I want to say, but I am afraid some might not understand(not a very good explainer here). As for my favourite quotes: "Dreaming to rewrite my own history." This is like...thinking of turning back in time...and I've thought of this so much, I think I can, as well, call it "dreaming to rewrite my own history". "But I forgot the way back to reality..." Real world can be a hard place sometimes. That's why I preffer my dreams, when it gets too ... too. What I like the most is the fact that you used, in the end of each verse "forgot", in different contexts. Cause you forget these things, that add up, so in the end, you forget yourself.
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I've been reading the entries from the bottom up (first submitted to most recent) and this is by far the best of the bunch thus far. You've got a great progression from childhood, through school and on into womanhood. The last verse really packs a punch and provides a beautiful raw contrast to the first stanzas. You definitely get my applause.
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Well ,I never write in order to turn my poems into masterpieces!They are what the reader wants them to be!
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Nice
I totally felt the intensity in your message, but the words, verses and structure are kinda missing something very important to turn it on a masterpiece.
However I liked a lot some things as the feeling of forgetting the most important of life, it really drove me into your little story here.
Very nice, keep writing. -
I like this poem, although I find the shape to be kinda boring, which contradicts the really really awesome words and message. I thoroughly enjoyed this and can relate to the losing of ones self, as I have done so many times! Tink
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i think this intresting flowing image nation keep doing well
love the papa -
it reads like a a mind of a person that thinks in so much of desires, unfulfilled desires that go unnoticed by the once they are actually are for abd when the flow out of the mind they come out in such excellent form of pain in every word asking to itself why? why? why? i hope i might just have put a little meaning to your lines all in all a great expression of pain in verse
luv sunny
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