my room-
where I lay at night
my head hits the pillow
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Written July 2nd, 2006
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my room
where I lay at night
thine head hits the pillow
yes, it's frustrating isn't it? a haiku LOOKS so simple, yet is quite hard to get right, lol. i'm always struggling with mine; but luckily people help me with them.
glad to know you're still working hard on this one.
you still have 24 hours for any final revisions.
i'm not sure of the word 'thine' - it's such an archaic word. is there a more simple one you could use? in haiku the more simple, plain & direct the language, the more powerful the haiku.
yours in haiku,
myron.
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my room
where I lay at night
thine head hits the pillow
What about this^? I'm trying really hard to get this right. I thought it would be much easier lol. I thought wrong. -
my room
my secret get away
my head is laid to rest
this is a very difficult challenege you have set yourself. good to see you working at it.
this revision is an improvement but i'm not sure it works to have 'my' on every line.
your third line is better, altho it would be even more better (lol) if you showed us your head resting on something. it would SHOW the reader that you are at peace.
your second line is still a statement - it TELLS us your room is a 'secret getaway'. in a haiku it's much better if you SHOW the reader what is going on.
best wishes,
myron.
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Is this better?
my room
my secret getaway
my head is laid to rest -
loved it, great, good, yay, ok get my point .
is it hard to right these, evertime i try i fail, I don't understand what I'm supose to do, but your's look great! -
oh that is so true when it comes to my room too. it is such a great place for anyone to cuddle up read a book, or write a poem or so. it is the best place. i hear you striaght[sp?] out though. this was simple and excellent. but i am such a blondette though, lol, i never figured out how to write haiku...and i am not even sure if i spelled it write! lol, well, best of luck in the contest! this rocked my socks!
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My room
My secrets get away
Where my thoughts come alive
Hi Rocker - yes, i like the introspection you have captured in this short poem.
however, a haiku works better when it concentrates on what the poet sees or hears around them, rather than what they think or feel inside themselves.
your poem here concentrates on statements rather than images. your previous entry is much more of a haiku than this entry.
is there some way you could revise or rewrite this one so it SHOWS the reader what is happening in this room?
make sure it follows the WWW technique.
best wishes,
myron. -
I feel ya on that one!
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