winter dawn
behind trees the ocean
hides in grey mist~
Author notes
I had some help with this haiku so many thanks my friend...
Written July 1st, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- How to Haiku by azure85.
300 points, ended July 9, 2006, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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I have always liked haiku and the wonderful feeling one gets when reading them. Kind of soothing and gentle. Liked this one too - wonderful picture painted, even without the picture here. You have been hood-winked by The Poetic Bandits. This is your day.
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Wow such a wonderful Haiku, so full of great imagery. I felt like I was there with you. Excellent flow
You have just been Hood-Winked
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winter dawn
behind trees the ocean
hides in grey mist~
yes, i see what Gina says in her astute comment. this haiku would be much improved if you just omitted 'hides'.
that would give you a haiku without a verb - which apparently is a great thing in haiku.
there are still 24 hours left for final revisions, if you have the time and inclination to do so.
yours in haiku enjoyment,
myron. -
I missed this one, Susan! I have watched the ocean disappear in gray mists many times. I live in a ring of mountains, too, with ocean on the other side, so this was expecially familiar. Lovely work, Sis!
Oh! this is still not tradition 17 syllable haiku, but what I've been told is American haiku. I was reading the guidelines of the contest. So I wondered if it had to be about nature, or if it could be another perspective.
Karen
Edited on Jul 05, 7:12 p.m. because 'added comment'. -
Very Good Susan!
Now this I like much more. One thing I saw "In gray mist". Is gray grey? Maybe so, don't know... maybe both but if mist is a noun, should that not be "in a gray mist" or "In gray mists".
Anyway, this is beautiful! Well done Susan! (((applause)))
Best wishes with the contest, your poem and the pic fit perfectly! Take good care and keep it up.
Tommy -
Sorry. Gonna be a little critical of this one. I like the picture. I think the few words create a nice scene. I don't care how the second line breaks and continues in the third line. Just my opinion.
~ edit ~
After reading the contest, I understand a little better the line breaks. The examples have a similar line break. However, the second line still troubles me a bit. It seems there is a break in thought in the middle. If the whole line was one thought and flowed to the third line, I think it would be better. Just my opinion. You write more and better haiku's than I.
~ end edit ~
Edited on Jul 05, 11:19 because 'Read the contest'. -
Hi Susan....seems we had the same thoughts......sweetie...this is wonderfully inspiring.....didnt know you did these too...poet....lol....what cant you do?....
Oh but I did not enter it though....it was too late...
Hugs o lot
Mal
Edited on Jul 05, 7:55 because ''. -
wow awesome...beautifully crafted. i love it. all the best in the contest sue.
oh by the way happy 4th of July. hee hee me indian wish it was a holiday for me.
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I love the beauty and serenity of this Haiku.
Beautifully penned. Good luck in the contest..
take care. -
Susan
Truly beautifuil, as always
I hope you do well, I will keep you in my prayers
Love and hugs
Karen
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its a lovely image indeed ... so nicely done ... i wonder if we could see the edits ... or doesnt the contest require that this time ? ...
not actually sure an ocean can 'hide' ... ?
winter dawn
behind trees the ocean
is a grey mist
?
i realy like how winter dawn is behind trees as well as the ocean ... lovely pivoting .... nicely done >>> GINA -
winter dawn
behind trees the ocean
hides in grey mist~
a lovely haiku - it fits the WWW technique & the rules of our contest perfectly. the images are clear & vivid, the language is plain in the haiku way, and there is one clean break in the syntax.
well done. i can';t think of anything to improve this one. it paints a nice picture.
best wishes,
myron -
wow
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Fantastic You are really good at these
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Beautiful, Susan And Ireally like the picture with it, too ...sending you an IM, though.. jsut a suggestion
Good luck in the contest
Love and
Dee
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wow! gorgeous poem for the picture, good luck in the contest..Linda
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A beautiful piece my dear auntie.
Wish you luck in the contest.
Love you
Shahrzad
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excellent presentation
Ooooo......This is beautiful Susan. The picture is so serene. Great job Sis!!
Best of luck in the contest!!
Ethereal Melody
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