Can you hear me
thinking in pictures
your raised face touched by the greeting shower
warm and welcomed
Waking fingers wiping sleeping eyes
Chest run under streams and slick sliding glaze
Hearty rubs of bars to lather
Lifts and turns
Reach then rinse and rise again
New day ready and scented
with the warmth of clean
and the blush of life just ...
Skin vibrant to terry
and toe toweling swipes
Wipes away mirrored fog
tussled hair and stubble
turning checks and cheeks
against the warmth of a robe
Wrapped in luck
Envy for all things perfect
Drowned by propriety
and distance
beyond the reach of tepid
Author notes
Written June 30th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- Editor's Select Six Contest # 29 JUDGED! by Andantino.
600 points, ended July 14, 2006, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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You are right of course about the punctuation, Ron. In retrospect, I believe I was debating the need for the final phrasing to stand alone after the stark line of envy but looking at it from this distance, I agree it can go.
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Fine free verse.
Dear Jane, the metaphor from your title informs the entire poem. This is so rare these days. Yet you have achierved this in free verse.
One criticism is your use of punctuation. You do have a period in place. Other places just as significant for one, do not. I have agonised over this and yet I do not fully understand the method employed.
Imagery and well-controlled, purposeful alliteration greet me. I am impressed.
This stanza was admired by me:" New day ready and scented
with the warmth of clean
and the blush of life just ...".
Using "clean" as a noun is refreshing as the image itself.
This is again fresh poetry:
"against the warmth of a robe
Wrapped in luck".
The poem of briskness ends with a myopic view of this imperfect world:" beyond the reach of tepid" is the enigmatic rejoinder.
Your poem has raised the issue of this world's imperfection for its citizens for the blind to feel those things you have unmistakably raised!
Enjoyable poem.
Ron
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Good
Very well done
Envy for all things perfect.
Drowned by propriety
and distance
beyond the reach of tepid
Good ending -
I like the poem's entrance through her front gates, the imagery and artful language, the ending-- a different effect but very nice. Thank you for entering and best of luck in the contest. Belle
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Braille, indeed! This is a lovely poem; tender and thoughtful... sensual and kind. I have to disagree with Leo, though. I think the last line "beyond the reach of tepid" is marvelous! Perhaps that is merely my personal dislike for all things tepid shining through, but as a poetic device, I find it perfect. This poem is delightful! I know you invited a crit, but I honestly can't say I'd change a thing about this. Best regards, Toni
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I liked your poem alot, the concept and wording made it fun and easy to read. But it also made me think how I would like to read a poem from the view point of braille letters, raised off the page, talking about the hows, whys and what it feels.
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well written, thought provoking.
An enigmatic ending, as you lead us from the shower into wider thoughts of this "perfect" world. I appreciate the image you so vividly portray. I enjoy your use of language, and I can almost hear the sound, as the words trip in their metaphor and their eloquent alliteration. Well done. This poem makes me think, and that is a poem worth reading. -
I don't know why but the last line bothers me. It seems out of place in a piece that's so warm and squeaky clean. Maybe it will make sense after my second cup.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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