my tears roll down my face as anger swells inside of me
the attitude you had was hurtful to me
you love her and not me
i have lost you for eternity
love is great while it lasts
you feel like you have someone to catch you when you fall
someone that would die for you
and someone that would make you happy
it is horrid when you loose that
because he wants to make someone else happy
and the most horrible part of that
is that the person is not me
you walk away from me as if you were thrilled
as if you are happy that i dont call you my own anymore
i was happy at one poin but now..
dying dosn't feel so cruel
because i lost you for eternity
take my advice
stay away from men you don't trust
stay away from men that you are not sure that they are ok
cuz they will hurt you
and you will loose them for eternity
and i know that im not the only one that dated someone that was not trustworthy.
Author notes
Written June 27th, 2006
A contest entry
- Contest time!Thropyless step up!You get to enter.Sorry people with throphies, Throphless time! by LadyOfFate.
300 points, ended June 29, 2006, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
-
4 out of 5 stars
That was really good. Often timespeople feel that a poem needs to rhyme. This poem proves that, no, it does not need to rhyme. It was awesome and i loved the message it gave. good job. -
very nicely done. but Picassopoet has some good points that I agree with. that and having white on black is good unless the words are in the whitish gray part of the design. that makes it hard to read. trust me. I now have a headache. but you also forgot the God save the Queen and the smiley face. did you listen??
-
Great job with this poem! However, I would reread it out loud to understand some of the revisions you can make. Here are a few that I have caught with my read.
1. I would change your use of the word "horrid" it just sounds rather uncomfortable
2. change "loose" to "lose"
3. if you want to have an explanatory final stanza, I would most certainly go over it once more. It seems almost like an author's note, but yet not. Maybe you could make it flow a little more with the piece!
Thanks for asking for my advice! I can't wait to read some more of your works! -
Wonderful job nova! I whole heartedly agree with that part. Nobody needs someone like that in their lives. The emotions, and motions you take the reader through are impressive. Although they say revenge is not good, hopefully he gets hurt like that. Call it devine justice or something. But karma comes back like a boomerrang, he will get his come uppance.
Adding your comment:
2 old applause
