For the sixth time this week
He hangs by his heels at her window
Peeking with bloodshot eyes
At her angelic form in sweet slumber
A soft moan she lets out
As an icy chill sweeps through
She pulls her covers higher
A silky shoulder remains unsheathed
As the moon rides out of the clouds
Her room lights up in grey hues
His eyes unblinking and without emotion
Stay fixed on her, his mind riddling again
She is beautiful, astonishingly so
A passionate entaglement, a quick bite
And forever she'd be his own queen of the night
But yet night after night he has just stared
He has never before felt this way
A woman was always meat to satiate his hunger
A means to subdue his everlasting lust
Yet here's one that has stirred his still cold heart
He ponders for long, never moving a muscle
Only his cloak gently blowing in the chill wind
This would be the last time, to take or to leave
Why shounldnt he damn her to his eternal curse?
She is lively and life is her beauty
She wont hold his fancy as one of them
And the eternal curse of blood lust and gore
Will only make her a heartless whore
As the first signs of dawn appear at the horizon
He makes up his mind and enters her room
With stealthy steps he approches her side
And stares at her godly face glowing in the night
He kneels beside her and brushes her lips with his
A soft thirsty moan escapes her lips
He pulls out a gold necklace and places it on her bed
Stands and takes in his last thirsty stare
She wakes up with a jerk feeling chilled to the bone
Her window stands open, the breeze flutters the curtains
She wonders if it was only a dream
And if her mysterious lover would ever again be seen
Author notes
i know this is crap...hey its my first time trying a subject like this. so please dont throw me off this site. 
Written June 27th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- Is your writing publishable? by Danna Hobart.
300 points, ended November 7, 2006, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Vampires by Darc Soul.
600 points, ended August 28, 2007, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter All Your Love Writes Here! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
300 points, ended March 8, 2008, 306 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark/Creative writes anyone??? by Kathraina.
1000 points, ended February 14, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Aww this is touching. I loooove the story you've told here. It is sweet, a twist on the view of a vampire. Amazing job. Thank you for entering and good luck!!!!
♥ Kathraina
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An out of worldly love... it's so beautiful he wouldn't bite her because he loves her so and wants to make sure shes safe and well, he truly loves her, its so touching.
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I like your second line. It is a good image. I suggest cutting the first line and starting with the second. The third line isn’t bad, but the last line of the first stanza falls into a lot of writing pitfalls. For one thing, you use two adjectives. Instead of telling me her form is angelic, show me what angelic looks like. The phrase sweet slumber borders on cliché, and from there, you seem to veer further off course. You completely abandon showing for telling. You use more clichés, such as queen of the night and chilled to the bone. You have three misspelled words. It is a good idea to run a poem through spellcheck before entering it in a contest.
What I would like to see you do with this is to revise it and to do more showing than telling, to eliminate the cliché, and to check your spelling.
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This is a very good poem, but it isn't a story. Unfortunatly I will have to remove it. Don't think I don't like it bc I do very much. It is filled with deep passion and I really enjoyed it. Fantastic job!
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this was written very well with a great and wonderful imagination the flow was wonderful kept me reading and wanting morethe images within, I could feel each of them very well done indeed,,,,,Blessings...Fire Storm
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i loved it....very well told this story of lust....
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excellent poem
Not crap at all.very very good....
Megan -
its really good nd u wudnt be able to tell its your first try thankls for entering
xX Good Luck Xx -
very nice write bubba that you penned here your rhythm flowed beautifully good luck in the contest
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You know...I've never really been a fan of vampire poems, but this was pretty good. Not that I have any other poems to compare this to, but it was a good piece. The imagery was fantastic. And I like the story within. You did well here. Thank you for entering :-)
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excellent~
For your first time trying this subject you have done extremely well sweetie....I was hooked from the start to the finish...
Loved it and would love to see more like this one...
I have had my surgery am home hurting and sore...Dr's want me to take chemo but think I am gonna wait awhile...I promise I will catch up on your poems I am behind on everyone it seems...
I have up 2 haiku and one new poem would love to see you drop by and give them a look see
Happy 4th of July
Love n hugs
Susan~~~
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ooo really dark imagaries here..spectacular.. im loving it! ( ok i know that sounds right off a mcdonalds ad but lol) spectacular id say!
thanks for your wodnerful comment.. im not sure what the name of the movie is but it was a rajnikanth movie i think..lol
much love,
-manasvi. -
Excellent
Excellent write..Well written.."Good luck in the contest"
Blessings,
Betty -
This is definitely not crap.
I love it.
Its actually.. sexy.
You know?
I love vampire poems.
Awesome job.
=D
Thanks for entering and good luck. -
I don't see this as crap not at all it's very good for a first try. You give him an almost human like quality while staying true to the thirsty animal like hunger we have all grown accustomed to hearing of. This is a very interesting contest and I hope you place.
Adding your comment:
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