we should have held our breath
as we crashed from the sky
we were turgid rain
believing direction equivalent
to purpose
blinded and steadfast
toward jagged edges
beckoning below
drawn by the irresistable
eternal pull of gravity
we splash into murky waters
a tortured sea takes no prisoners
caught in the undertow
like cement blocks
we drag each other under
down into the growing pit
of a world collapsing
into itself
we drown slowly with it
there is a surprising lack of depth
to these oceans
that consume everything
our fingertips are at the surface
we're sinking fast
not into emptiness
but something wholly
incomplete
mirrored only as salt
in our eyes
mocking clarity
filtered to the consistency
that makes us
separate
unstable and volatile
clashing against
existence
existence
clashing against us
Author notes
Oh, the headaches and stress this poem induced. It was wonderful to work with Jamie on this, though, even as we scrambled to get the last bit done as we struggled through the writers block that has been plaguing both of us.
Written June 26th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- Editor's Select Six Contest # 29 JUDGED! by Andantino.
600 points, ended July 14, 2006, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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I interpreted this as a love/relationship gone awry. The imagery was profound and the metaphors kept their intensity throughout. The whole presentation (poem/background) was stunning!
Belle
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Great Job!
Wow that was deep...I liked it!
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Haha, nobody reads my poetry but thank you!! You are really, really talented and I'm glad you liked this poem. I can't claim ALL the credit though, it was a collaboration with my boyfriend.
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Wow you have amazing talent for poetry. Also the picture you picked at the top before you read it, really depicts your poem to every depth. Also, I would like to thank you on all of the critiques and responds to my poetry! Keep writing because everyone will keep reading!
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Thank you. I'm going through a LOT of changes right now, and I'm glad for the invitation. It is something that I intend to get back into when I am in the right time and place.
Thank you for your comment as well. It was nice to hear from you. -
This has embraced, imaginatively, a world that often can not be all that nice. The basic metaphor of drowning and the text of your poem affirm that indeed," there is a surprising lack of depth
to these oceans
that consume everything".
Matthew Arnold wrote a great free verse lyric in the C19 called "Dover Beach". There, the sea of faith ran out and his only solace was human love: "Ah, love, let us be true to one another." You have gone one step further in the reality of a world gone wrong.
Thank you. You know, we would welcome you back intoi the Winklings, any time., Just IM Lyndon and I'll tick you in. I, personally, miss you. Ron.
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HEY!! This was my favourite in the contest, I'm sorry it didn't get a trophy
-hugs and kisses-
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I really like the ending of the poem ...it makes me think of big waves...that completely topple you... Good poem...
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I hope we continue to write, too. I'd like to write more poems with him. I think we compliment each other well.
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That's quite a compliment! Thank you!
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Wow. Thank you. I'm glad you found it so breathtaking!
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I actually found the picture after the poem was written, so it was more relating the picture to the poem. Thank you for your comment.
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-blushes- No need to bow before us! But thank you very much for your comment. I'm touched! <3
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Thank you for your comment. Writing always gives me headaches. I think too much.
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-blush- Thank you Summer.
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Thanks, Tif! <3
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Thank you, Chrys, we both really apprectiate it. We were ripping out hair out writing this. It looks.. very different form it's original stages. xD
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Thank you shzoosy! <33
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Very nice.. the title, wording and picture you used all fit well together. There are a few lines that stood out to me here but the salt in our eyes part has to be my favorite. great job with this.. -applauds you both-
~Kristy -
Wow, love the picture and I think that you and Jamie did a wonderful job on this poem, deep and meaningful. There are so many adjectives to describe this and they are all ~DAMN GOOD~ Hehe. Great job and I hope you continue to write, great job!
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there is really nothing to critique to this. it's complete and i would say perfect were i not a strong disbeliever in perfection. the vision was stupifyingly wonderful and the poem as a whole just made me sink.
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Well done and thank you for sharing. This is a great poem. I love it all... the poem, the background, the topic....it's all great. keep writing......you have a lot to offer. Best of wishes to you. good luck in all that you do....peace always in all ways. You rock....
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You have done a great job. I really liked this piece.
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this is breathtakingly beautiful you two!!!! wow! the way you two have created such a wonderful view of both eroticism and love together is awesome! Congrats to both of you!
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That's the fun of writers' block, though - struggling through to find the creative umph to move forward.
On seeing the picture, I was wondering how the verse would relate (obviously, the title and image fit nicely already). I like how the short phrases, the flow of the words draw you along - writers' block or no, I think the two of you have come up with something very nice. Great write. -
well the two of you make a pair of fine poets... i bow before you... nicely done... there is a depth and undertone to this that goes and flows excellently...peace and harmony...shzoosy
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You have oth written an excellent write. Making this contest ever so difficult to jusdge. Good luck to you both.
*Ktulu Blackwolfe* -
oooh I really liked this, you made the opposite oxymoron paradox thing really effective. It was so pretty. Congratulations, I'm sorry it gave you headaches though
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Hahahahaha
*falls over laughing* 
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It's a little known fact that Jamie is always secretly on crack. Crack-cocaine, buttcrack, crack of all kinds!
And thank you for your comment on our poem. -
I agree Jamie, you guys did an amazingly fabulous job! This is tragically beautiful in an earthy way, not an emo way. Haha. Ah, it's 2 in the morning so my comment is a little lacking, but I'm extremely impressed with this piece, it's really friggin good. And lmao, Jamie's on crack.
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Well.... I for one think we did a fabulous job.
Edited on Jun 27, 1:15 because 'I'm on crack'.
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