A poem bubbles in me,
peroxide on an open wound;
I smother in the humidity
of summer dreams abandoned
limp as my sun-bleached hair.
Childhood summers melt together
like crayons left in the yard.
When I was eleven,
summer nights were hide-n-seek
and sneaking into the garage
with a boy four years older than me.
The warmth of his hands
was like the first taste of
grapefruit sprinkled with sugar
but once the sugar was gone
the sour wrinkled my face.
Summer tears burn
worse than bare feet
on hot asphalt.
Now the nights are sticky
too sticky even to fuck,
so we lie, nude
barely touching
aching for relief.
On the front porch
cigarette smoke curls.
June Bugs cling to the screen door
and hiss when it slams.
They remind us how to laugh,
and Perseid showers us with new dreams.
A contest entry
- Your Best Pre-write of 2007 by Metaphorist.
900 points, ended January 4, 2008, 22 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Win $50, and be published in the next Allpoetry Book! Relationships theme by Kevin.
400 points, ended March 5, 115 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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This is a very interesting write. I liked it. Nicely done.
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I like this a lot. All of the imagery just fades in and out of itself. It is stunning. Best of luck to you.
~J. Pronek -
Now the nights are sticky
too sticky even to fuck,
so we lie, nude
inches apart
aching for relief.
This is the poem. Everything else is just superficial words in comparison. Get rid of everything but this stanza, and you have yourself a real, honest-to-god love poem. Thanks for entering. Oh, and leave out the repetition of sticky.
Now the nights, too sticky
even to fuck,
so we lie, nude
inches apart
aching for relief.
I dig it. -
Wonderful imagery/metaphors in this write. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.
♥
whisper
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Lots of metaphors and similes.
Favorite lines:
"Days in the pool
gave birth to constellations
of freckles
that led us nowhere."
Thank you for your entry,
Best of luck!
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you use a wonderful, interesting mix of simile & metaphor in this poem, they work very, very well...love this, you write with clarity that communicates your feelings & thoughts effectively to the reader..thank you...
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damn this is sticky sweet! with anticipation, aching and need. oh, those summer nights... the imagery is very vivid. brings me back to those memories i've tried to tuck away, but they never seem to get away.
awesome! love it! well deserved Gold trophy!! your talent is astounding!
blessings and Istomps
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Hey lady. I'm critiquing today but kind of with a rough grip. I'm just in that kind of mood. So don't take it the wrong way.
Ok. First, the title should be redone. Summer nights is so vague that it just blankets and is cliche. So it didn't seem that engaging to me. Would love to see it evolve to something else.
In the first stanza:
~~A poem bubbles in me,
peroxide on an open wound;
I smother in the humidity
of dreams abandoned
-limp as sun-bleached hair.~~
The first two lines aren't bad. I like the use of peroxide. It's something different. But the next three lines you jump right into another entirely unrelated image and I find that confusing and doesn't feel cohesive. Also, I don't think of sun bleached hair as limp. To me, I see it as dry, salty and/or tangled. Like a day at the beach. Limp is what I think of unwashed hair. Food for thought.
The two lines in stanza two are striking. Bravo.
Stanzas three through five are fairly solid. But I think that you're capable of a one of two really striking perspectives of your summer that I don't feel came across as well as I know you personally are capable of. Though they're not bad or anything. Don't get me wrong, just not as strong as they can be.
Stanza sixth is a transition from past to present... and I really don't feel that shift lightly. It's abrupt and distrupting to me. I think it needs some rewording, or a gradual change. I'm not really sure, just something. It just caught, you know?
Seven is a little shaky as well.
Eight and nine though, they are nice. Like the beginning, they have the cool breeze of a gentle flow. I guess it's just the middle, huh? lol
Sorry. I'm not in a roses mood. But you like a critical critique anyways and you can get petted from the featured box, if that's what you need right?
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Now this is masterful story-telling! Gripping with a wonderful use of imagery from beginning to end. I want to read it over and over again, and I wish I could write something as engrossing. Brilliant!
Thanks for entering. Good luck in my contest and in the New Year!
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oh wow, how beautiful, the poem and meteor shower, I'm so mesmorized,well done!
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Lovely
Beautifully penned, best of luck in the contest! -
This is very good..... Thanx for entering!
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I stopped reading it at *bunny*. Brought back too many unnecessary memories. Great write up to then otherwise. Defnitely certain it deserves HONORABLE MENTION WHICH I CONGRATULATE you on.
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This is wonderful I love the change up of good time and bad times, you captivated me with this write well done
Thank you for taking the time to enter your favourite prewrite in this contest, I wish you the very best of luck
Karen -
Enchanting!
Thank you for your entry!
[:
x
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Great imagery in this piece! THanks for sharing and best wishes in the contest!
Frogz~ -
Thank you for sharing in our contest with this write,
truly it is full of imagery from younger days, and the imagery is very vivid
Well done and thanks for sharing,
Love and LIght
Frozentearz -
A powerful poem you've got here. Good job!
Thanks for entering my contest and good luck! -
Very good a wonderful and amazing poem. I love it. Thanks for putting it in my contest it was a pleasure to read!
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Thank you. You have no idea how right you are about things being simpler back then. Sigh...
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Your summer memory is beautiful. It seems it was at a time when life seemed easier and more laid back, where the responsibilities didn't seem as stacked as they are now.
Very nicely done. Thank you for sharing with me. -
Lovely raw imagery here. I don't like using the
"f" word either and it spoils an otherwise fine work - only my opinion though.
Ann -
yes i see and i also agree with you it does fit
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Honey Bear, thank you for your very diplomatic comment, but if you can grasp the tone of the poem, the word "fuck" fits. This girl's being groped by a boy 4 years older than her, who then broke her heart, has left her very jaded about relationships.
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You have captured so much here, thank you for entering.
Always,
Terri Norris. -
very good
fantastic work and i enjoyed it very much but although i agree with not limiting language in poetry this felt out of place in this write for untill yo uread up to that one tiny word, the flow is great ..but that *fuck* stops the reader dead and takes the greatness from the write (have you thought of changing it to ..too sticky even for sex..?)
Edited on Sep 01, 7:29 because ''. -
Congrats on the silver. Wonderful powerful poem. You deserve the silver, so glad you got it. Keep up the great work. Take care. ttyl Tali
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Wow. This was a wonderful poem. Such great imagery, and the metaphors were overwhelming. Brilliant wording. I truly loved this write. Thank you so much for entering it into my contest, and best of luck.
-Jade -
Wonderful poem. I really like the details you used to express yourself. The imagery was also very powerful. You capture the reader from the very start. Thank you for sharing this wonderful poem with all of us. Keep up the great work. Good luck in the contest. ttyl Tali
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Loved it. Thankx for reminding me what summer was like before the weight of the world weighed me down.
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This was a great poem. I really like how you put everything together you did a great job. Keep it up
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awww..so innocent ..yet so..mature..this was very nice...one of those poems that u can't help but admire and truly appreciate because not only is it oringal..but it is something fresh and beautiful
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There are some truly great lines here. For example, the verse,
"Summer tears burn
worse than bare feet
on hot asphalt.
They never evaporate;
they boil in orphaned fantasies
that summer love
could last a lifetime."
Evinces some splendidly mature writing. Then, like running into a thorny hedge, I came to the line with "f" word in it. And one could hear the hiss of the air running out of the balloon. Sorry, I'm an old fashioned (old) guy and although not at all shocked, I was disappointed at the despoilment of an otherwise superb poem.
When all the air had escaped, I was left too limp to render applause.
OT -
so much of memory of past summers and to present-day summers written through this poem, Danna. It felt as to touch, taste, hear, smell and see it all through every image! really lovely writing...and I was enrapt in the read throughout, almost wishing the same way as I do every summer, that it never came to an end.
Jo -
so much of memory of past summers and to present-day summers written through this poem, Danna. It felt as to touch, taste, hear, smell and see it all through every image! really lovely writing...and I was enrapt in the read throughout, almost wishing the same way as I do every summer, that it never came to an end.
Jo -
very nice well thought out peice. This makes me think of the summer nights I used to have. Keep up the great writeings.
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Great peice you wrote here. It makes me think of the summer nights. you keep up the good work.
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Your poem was full of crisp and imaginative images. Without the picutres you painted, poetry can tend to blan and lifeless. For me this is what poetry should be. great work
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this is really great!! i remember when i was young,(still am)but, younger it was grrrrrrrrrrreat!!lol! i used to love the summer nights but they're not so great anymore!!lol
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Loved it. Thanks for the quick trip. lol Memories of back in the day lol. Summers where grand when i was a child growing up, now its like i need someone special to watch the summer nights go by. PEaceful. Thanks for sharing.
Vsutton -
LOve it, love it love it, its so pretty, I could almost feel some of those tears, and you know my mom and me, we love to go bare footed, love your boarded to, makes this one stand out more. Thanks I always love you poetry, you could always make a person, laugh, cry, or get really pissed off, the boys have some really nice work too.
LOVE YA
Carolyn-RAE -
All I can say is GREAT JOB!!
Keep it up!
~J.P~ -
Well done, Danna! The thing I love about this one is that it describes the feelings of the narrator with images from childhood that we can all understand and relate to. My only bit of advice here would be to possibly add a bit of dialog here and there. That little, sonic touch might be the only thing missing here! GREAT JOB!!! - oce
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hahahhhh
awesome!!
true summer... man i love summer.....
i have soar hamstrings right now.. was playing soccer then a game of baseball after.. i won both!! wooooooot!!
and i love ur vocabulary!!!
- man i gotto start reading better poetry..
u seem really good so may i have the honor of u critiquing my most recent write?
=] -
amazing poem, it really really REALLY describes what summer is all about
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WOW...I felt I got bit by a mosquito it seemed so real. A great write. It was childish and adult like at the same time.
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nice
Very deep and emtional. I think that it doesn't get anymore descriptive.
Edited on Jun 27, 11:21 p.m. because ''. -
Excellent
Terrific poem! I love the juxtaposition between summer as a child and summer as an adult. Here I am rambling my way down memory lane thinking about lightning bugs and flashlight tag and then, Wham! I really liked the way you switched from past to current. You wove powerful images with your excellent descriptions and metaphors. Who can't relate to melted crayons and bare feet on asphalt? This was very well written and I enjoyed it very much.
Pen on~
Lee A. Stone -
Thanks for the trip down memory lane...oh I can still feel the burns on my feet from the black-top driveway we had. Thanks for sharing this! God bless you! Noble1
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Awesome piece reminiscent of summer and everything that goes along with it. I read it twice, and bookmarked it because I did find it truly enjoyable. Not many poems have the ability to move me to remember something special, painful, but this, well it did. Beautifully written, great use of words, and the background that you set just fit perfectly keep up the great work.
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Great
I remember reading this but I didn't comment on it. You did a fine job. I like how you compared things. I love it when poets do that. Keep striving at what you want to become. Never give up or you wont get there. Dont give up on your talent you really have something going for yourself.
Andrea -
this is awesome,this makes me think of my ex, because we too snuck into the garage,lol. Keep up the excellent work..
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wow... this was beautiful... you are such an amazing poet... if you write anything else, send me a message and tell me cuz i would love to read it.
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Wow
Wow this poem is good. I really enjoyed reading it. It made me smile and not many poems can make me smile. You are a good poet. I'm going to read some more of your work and add you to my favorites. Thanks for such a wonderful poem.
As Always,
Meg -
excellent
this is touching poetry with great original metaphors, conveys imagry and triggers emotion. top work!!! -
WOW! This is amazing. It's perfect. Can't everyone relate to melted crayons and bubbling peroxide on a cut when they were little kids? I love this piece because it seems so sweet and childish and then ..."too sticky even to fuck". This piece is one of my favorite that I've read. It's so unique which suprised me because the title is such a cliche. It brings back so many memories, horrible ones, and comfortable ones. It makes me miss being a little kid and it also makes me never want to do it again. I love this piece, it's so full of emotion that the reader can also connect with. Wonderful job! I hope to see more from you! Thanks for posting.
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Beautifully done! This is an awesome piece! It helped me relive all the good and bad times in my life! Everything that was said was worded perfectly! My favorite pharses are
Summer tears burn
worse than bare feet
on hot asphalt.
They never evaporate;
they boil in orphaned fantasies
that summer love
could last a lifetime.
Childhood summers melt together
like crayons left in the yard.
Thanks you for being so talented and sharing this with me and everyone else! It is perfect! -
Why is it that sun-bleached hair always seems limp? sigh. lol And I hear ya about the air conditioner (in your comment above). That's so funny because my husband and I don't touch each other when it gets above 85 degrees, and we have no air conditioning at all. lmao. This poem was nostalgic and beautiful.
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I know I have read thispoem before and I am glad I ran across it again. Now I can boookmark it so I can experience it as much as I like, and I do like it a lot. Great job.
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That was the stanza that began the poem, and the rest was built around it. Actually, I was thinking about how 10 years ago when I was driving trucks, I was home for a few days, but it was too hot even to make love, so we went out and bought a window air conditioner, and that was when our second son was concieved! The kid owes his life to an air conditioner!
I am going to think about changing it. Thanks
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Hi, I loved it except for the word fuck,lol, such a great poem for me tainted by unnessesary crudeness,no I'm not old fashoned I just felt it jared, lovely write, hugs Di
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Pretty
This poem really captures the transition from little- cherished childhood innocence to adulthood or maturity. It was very easy to relate to.
Thanks! -
Awesomeness
Wow, amazing use of imagery.. Metaphors are awesome and it all just seems to flow freely. Great poem =] xx -
This is amazing with imagery and a nice flow. Very nice piece of sentiments expressed in this wonderful write.
On the front porch
cigarette smoke curls.
June Bugs cling to the screen door
and hiss when it slams.
They remind us how to laugh,
and Perseid showers us with new dreams.
keep up the good work.
Thanks for the read :
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So many images presented in your poem, you could be in the rocking chair beside you and experience it! I enjoyed the last stanza teh best:
"On the front porch
cigarette smoke curls.
June Bugs cling to the screen door
and hiss when it slams.
They remind us how to laugh,
and Perseid showers us with new dreams. "
It conjures up the days of summer approaching us now, and it fits in your theme of the poem so well. -
very persuasive title, it brings me here really, this poem's a smashing piece of work, it's got the shadow of intensity, it drives people into madness while reading this cuz it's got some sort of drug, yes it's spiked, it's really thrillingly-written, i enjoy the manner in how u write this piece, every words just get better and better...
On the front porch
cigarette smoke curls.
June Bugs cling to the screen door
and hiss when it slams.
They remind us how to laugh,
and Perseid showers us with new dreams.
this part is just so eye-catching, very lovely poem u wrote! -
v.good
This is really good and has lenty of arghh moments for good measure. I really dont think you need stanza one as beginning on the 2nd has a sweet resonance and the stanza one doesnt really seem to bear much relevance.
That aside its a keeper - -
For what you term 'a very rough draft', I found it quite lovely, evocative, the choice of imagery wonderful. If this is what you consider a draft, I can't wait to see what you term 'a finished work'... Thank you for sharing it!
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Goodness.. you have pure talent! This is one of the best poems I have ever read! I can't even critique it because there is no flaw. It's pure and untainted emotion... absolutetly amazing!! I can't pick a favorite part.. simply because with out all of those individual lines, this poem would lack its substance. Once again.. very nice work!
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Very nice piece of sentiments. Attractive style. Uniqueness in the use of words and presentation.
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Brilliant
I loved this piece from the very first line : a poem bubbles in me.... very real very natural piece....GREAT!!! -
Phew...
Very raw. Very real. Vibrant, so much as a yellow needs daisies. Definitely got the juices flowing. Much luck to you in your future endeavors. -
Superb write here
Wow this is an amazing write for a ist draft. I actually cannot fault it in any way. I love the imagary you envoke, which brings back so many of my own memories of hot sticky nights as child. I love your word usage and the flow is great. In fact this poem is so brilliant, that I am adding you to my favorites. Love, hugs and Smiles. Marilyn -
gr8
WOW! this is gr8 but u prlly know that from all the other awsum comments on hear. Keep up the gr8 work. and once again Awsum work, keep writing -
A very vivid write full of great imagery. Congrats on it and also your novel...Best of luck to you with it all..Trina
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excellent imagery. You connected with everyone's childhood summers in one way or another. My favorite lines were:
"Summer tears burn
worse than bare feet
on hot asphalt."
And as I read your other comments I see that everyone seems to have a different favorite part, and that's a sign of a good poem. Good job!
-
Made me speechless...
Wow! Excellent Write! Made me speechless...i can totally relate to all that. -
Its beautiful poem. Enjoyed reading it. Now the nights are sticky
too sticky even to fuck,
so we lie, nude
barely touching
aching for relief. -
The imagery in this poem is amazing. I felt myself there, with you. And the way you describe holding the hand of your beau is amazing. I, myself, have never tasted grapefruit with sugar sprinkled on it, but I HAVE held and touched my partner's hand, and I completely understand the simile. Thank you very much for sharing, and good luck with your novel!
-Alex the Magnificent -
Wonderful!
On the front porch
cigarette smoke curls.
June Bugs cling to the screen door
and hiss when it slams.
They remind us how to laugh,
and Perseid showers us with new dreams.
A fantastic ending to a beautiful poem, and the comments and applauses only testify how fantastic your talent is! The poem flows well, it is absolutely beautiful and it is easy to read. You just get sucked into it! Keep the ink flowing, dearest poet, because such talent is rare! Thank you so much for sharing this with us all as well! Keep safe!
SufferingFool
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REAL
Very well written. The ditcion really helped to set an even rythm and a nostalgic tone. Imagery was great- the title was perfect. For a first draft this is great. I want a first draft like this! Awesome piece!
~ Julia -
My favorite stanza:
"The warmth of his hands
was like the first taste of
grapefruit sprinkled with sugar."
Wonderfully done (smile) -
Excellent
This is a pleasure to read--very atmospheric and filled with sensual imagery. Some lovely word-choices, lyrically phrased.
Regards
Bill -
this poem is good. i like it a lot. thats crazy that at 11, that girl was going with a guy who was 16....kinda nasty of him if u think about it. but otherwise, this poem is awesome. it doesn't quite rhyme, which makes it even better. wonderful job. your an awesome poet. keep up the good work.
~amanda~ -
Nostalgic is definitely a good descriptor for me. If that was your goal, you were incredibly successful - and, if not, it was successful, regardless.
For myself, this strikes a chord because it's similar to some things I was thinking about a few days ago - things were different as a child. There was more freedom in summer and more ecstacy in the smells of winter.
Reading this, I can't help but thinking about summers and about heat. The heat feels different now, than it did ten years ago. It's more oppressive. Suffocating.
Maybe a run through the sprinkler will fix that.
I love that this piece flows so smoothly from childhood summers to the adult heat, but still holds on to the pungent nostalgic feeling. Great use of language. -
nostalgic
Childhood summers melt together
like crayons left in the yard.
this line really captured the child-like feeling. this poem succeeded in making me feel nostalgic -
Good.
I must say, this is the most soothing poem, I have ever read in my life time.
As I read; it gives the sensation of eagerness to wanting to read on.
I read through all the words used wisely and carefully, as though each word is used as a meaning towards either the inspiration given off in your heart or the creative mind which has the rich sources of experience blended within the poem.
Within the poem, I think it tells about childhood memories mixing in with the slowly adulthood memories, and each time, it deepens in depth of sharp emotions that can hypnotize a lot of people to read on. Although…In some areas, I personally think that you are telling a story….about the things you see or may have experienced.
“Longing vibrates from deep inside;
the reedy resonance of a Native flute.
There is beauty in desire,
and in reaching for each other
in the tepid minutes before sunrise.”
This stanza of your poem is one of my favorite and brings anew towards my eyes.
You can do well in writing poetry, and I hope you keep up the good work. I see some talents that may have been learnt over some years of knowledge in writing.
Maybe, someday I’ll read your other poetry again…
May wish you best of luck and care!
~ Reisha ~
PS = You might need to check over some mistakes again, and sorry if I might have to say so... -
The melting crayons and june bugs take me back, you must be from my part of the country, great visuals, wonderful write.
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very nice, i love it
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Great
That's true,there is really nothing more to add,this poem is great and really deserves great applause! -
Thanks for catching that one. I wonder where that a came from?
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Well, there isnt much to say that everyone else hasnt already. Beautiful poem, amazing write. well done!
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Wow... not many people can get me deep into visions in my mind as you have. Amazing job with your imagery. You got the smell... taste... feel... everything in it. Very nice! I like your form too--consistant and easy on the eyes. I love your background even--haha. Oh, one error I did find, minor and not bad.
"When I was a eleven,
summer nights were hide-n-seek"
a eleven?
Anywho--my favorite part was:
"Longing vibrates from deep inside;
the reedy resonance of a Native flute.
There is beauty in desire,
and in reaching for each other
in the tepid minutes before sunrise."
Again, very nice job...
Mech
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this is an awesome write!!!! it paints a beautiful image of summer when we were little but then as we grow up it seems that the love of summer is lost...but then little thing like a june bug can bring it all back...even though weve been scarred by the adult life! keep it up i loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@!!!!
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i really love the first two lines of this poem. it's great. very vivid and just.. wonderful stuff. great job with this one.. i really truly enjoyed reading it.
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When I first came here I remember reading some of your poems and being impressed enough to add you as the firdt name on my favorites list. Then the backgrounds came, which I've mmade use of and we all owe you thanks for that. But the poems have ben missed and this one shows just what has been gone too long.
This is everything I look for.
I love it.
David -
the summer as a child was so sweet and great when you first read the poem then as you look back and think about it you are saying it went sour after that ., it's like you lost your love and now you can't get him back so you are stuck with the one you have now and you don't even want to touch. or is it because you are growing older ? and who is the mystery man that you lye beside at night? you have created a great piece but i think maybe tell us a little more about him .
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this is great, love the imagery
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Wow!Brilliant poem!I clicked on here by mistake and now I'm glad that I did.very good poem with a wonderful flow.Best of luck
If this is a rough draft I would like to see the real poem 
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