orbits lost
in journeys of the sun
burning bright in bits of
tangerine and tabasco
universal musings of importance
fallen impotent
on empty hearts gone dry
fuchsia frost and fragrance
make perfume a little wilder
still
in water and weeds
there must be motion
lest the heat escape and
burn us all to brown
seasonal escapades turned winter
serve to wipe the black slate clean
in respite and imagining
to heal a severed soul
and birthing in the process
finds it's paths not promptly taken
when the spirit bird should
toss us from
the nestling's home of comfort
in the end we tread
between the chocolate
and the citrus
making life a little sweeter
amid the sorrow and the joy.
Author notes
Written June 24th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- Revolves by MuddyKing.
400 points, ended July 5, 2006, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Winklings Laureateships for Autumn 2006 Contest # 81 by Andantino.
875 points, ended December 8, 2006, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - AP Best of the Best Season One: Preliminaries by B Chandler.
300 points, ended January 1, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~Give Me All Your Gold~ by xxRainbowDawnxx.
300 points, ended July 26, 2007, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 61 of 61
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Very tasteful imagery and of course intense use of vocabulary. Nice write here.
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Dearest One -- With words like lost, impotent, dry, frost, winter, weeds, citrus the reader is forced to look at the VERY important word in the title: "between". Somewhere on this journey called life, there is a interim stage where the intended joyous sweet turns to sorrowful sour. And it is in this TOSSING from the nest, that the nestling learns to fly!
Well done, Poetess. You may touch a few dry hearts by this poetic plea.
Suggestion: try to refine the structure.
Love
Myra
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This poem is impressive
Why? Well, for the way it develops and sustains its elegant style and unusual but delightfully fresh imagery. It uses imposing yet subtle formal constraints to pace delivery of imagistic intensity and beauty. You use many tools of the poet; none least that of alliteration to pleasing effect. This is worthy of a high place in a very worthy field. -
This seems like something that a receipe lover would really want to take a bite out of. Thank you for sharing it.
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great write! this defintiely seems to have been pulled from the essence of the picture, great job! amazing!
~Shirley -
Wonderfully done. I do have to agree a bit with the commenter above as far as it sort of meshing together. But overall I think it is a strong image and well done. Bravo!
Edited on Jun 25, 2:00 p.m. because ''. -
Over all, I got it and it flowed. The only part that I was not a fan of was the birthing process. I think it should of been near the top that way when you wrapped it up, it would have more powerful. But who am I.. right now my own life is citrus and I keep waiting for the sweet. I loved your poem and in truth it was honest and I felt that from your words.
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i liked the start and the end drew it all together reasonably. maybe the middle was a little lackluster in terms of poetic phrasing - like it was how you felt but not particularly artful, more raw emotional monologue... which may have been what you were going for, i don't know. i like breaking style and that, so i'm choosing to believe the real conclusion is midway and the end is a wrapping up of the speech-poem itself.
i like "hearts gone dry" but maybe it didn't need the "empty" before it? "to heal a severed soul" is perhaps a little obvious, but if that's what you feel then who am i to say it's not right.
loving the flavours, aromas, textures, etc though. always evocative. peace
x -
What an amazing write! The whole poem captured my eyes, I couldn't look away even if I tried.
Love, HoneyFire! -
The imagery that you portray in your pieces is so fresh and contemporary! I love using colors to describe emotions and not only did you use color but you took it to another level and picked food items to describe the colors that you used to describe emotions. What can I say but bloody brilliant!!!
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Bonus Poeta
From the first to the last stanza every sense of mine danced... this must have been said before by someone but the imagery is fanatastic. The idea of warm days, peels of citrus fruits browning in my head is going to stay there a while. -
Great Job
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Your imagery is exceptional and your phrasing is exquisite. I agree that the third stanza is the strongest. Seconded only by the final stanza. I wonder if the two stanza's might stand alone together as a poem all in themselves. If you don't mind, I intend to bookmark this piece, as some of your word combinations are inspirational and give me the feeling that I'd like to sit down and write something.
Beautiful -
Bravo
Awesome imagery and descriptions!!! I really like this and the way it flows off the tongue and the brain stem too. LOL Just kidding. Nicey nice poetics. Great good luck to you for such creativity. -
very niece piece of writing..best of luck
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Great write which I liked a lot
Wonderful imagery, I felt this was an original piece It seemed somewhat poignant but also calm Keep writing, this was a great poem with good imagery and flow- one of the best freeverses (hell, poems) I've read in a while
All the best
Pozo
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yay!
I really liked this piece alot. As others have pointed out it has wonderful imagery. The texture, color, essence and feel all come out very well in this poem. I love the metaphors as well. I'm always a sucker for a great metaphore You've done an excellent job with this piece. The flow and rhythm go together wonderfully. There's no choppyness or uneveness in your tone. The subject itself of the way we pass through our lives. I love the way you bring out the individual events and frustrations through it with your brilliant imagery. I normally don't have much of an interest in nonrhyme pieces but this really is just so beautifully penned. I think the fact that you use your talents for writting about things that are relevant to everyone is great. It grabs the readers attention and makes the poem very relatable. You have a way at describing things that takes the reader past the normal humdrum way of seeing and bring it to a whole new light. Truely an awesome talant. This piece inparticular along with some of the others of yours that I've read really just drip with emotions and bring forth such a strong passionate feeling from them. You truly care about what you write and it's obvious you are writting for yourself rather than to please others. You can really feel that through your poetry. Sorry to ramble on like this but I was just truley amazed at your beautiflly well written piece. I can't wait to read more of your work. Great job and have a blessed day ******Stacey*****
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Thank you for your honest appraisal.
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THE ENDING SAYS IT ALL!
Making life a little sweeter
amid the sorrow and the joy!
Those lines brought this entire piece together for me! A fine ending to a wonderful piece, indeed! Thanks for sharing with us on AP and GOOD LUCK in the contest!
Have a fine day!
Love & Peace!
Earl. -
Overall, the idea was nice. You had good flow. However, I'm going to be brutally honest. I rarely do that as I think I should be diplomatic (i.e. people get mad when you actually give them a REAL critique), but I think criticism is healthy--I know it helps me with my writing.
The third paragraph was very strong, generally, so good job with that.
I get the feeling that you wrote this just to put down words you liked the sound of. Which is fine, but... I didn't feel very much behind the poem. It was just there, no meaning, nothing you actually felt. Nothing you HAD to get out. Kind of like someone saying, "I think I'll sit down and write words."
I think my biggest problem was that you just kept saying things that didn't really hit home. It felt trite. You were saying the same things people have always said in the same style they've always said them with many words people always choose because they think they work. How many times have I seen 'impotent' or 'sever' in poems? You could spice them up if you're going to use them.
I wasn't into the ending. I think you could do better. It fell flat. You could try a more definitive ending, something that smacks people, or something that leaves them wondering. Like this, it lays around. Once again, it sounds trite, it has no luster.
Hopefully you're not one of those people who gets mad if someone doesn't praise the guts out of your poem. Don't expect that. You'll never be a true--a good--writer if you can't see your faults and work on them. You could be great, but we all need some work. I don't claim to know everything because I know I could always improve, and I'm working on it, but I think that's the point--to work on it.
All in all, not bad. -
I have to agree with mike i love the ending, i have a very sweet tooth, the poem is wonderfull
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This was very interesting and pleasing to read. You picked a topic that is very difficult for some people to write about. You took the subject and made it yours. You captured this very well. Great Job. Keep Writing!!!!!!!!!!!
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I loved your idea for this piece it is so unique...things such as these are what makes you stand out in this world of unoriginality
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Mmmmm. Chocolate.
No, but seriously, I like your poem! It makes me feel like time is passing. -
truly great write
this is really interesting, the imagery is great, and i was captivated, and enjoyed reading it to the very end. it is also thoght provoking. well done. X -
I think my favorite stanza was
and birthing in the process
finds it's paths not promptly taken
when the spirit bird should
toss us from
the nestling's home of comfort
because it ties the symbolism and metaphors together so well. the language is graceful and the diction of this piece made me happy. Thanky uo for sharing this graeful piece with us. Best of luck in the contest [as if you need any!] -
Lol, Muddy, perhaps folks were just a bit hungry last night. Of cousre, that is the wonderful thing about poetry. In most cases, the reader is allowed the same reign of imagination that the writer is and the sky is the limit all around.
I am glad that the message is not entirely lost to the taste buds though Thanks for taking the time to comment.
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after reading some of the comments, I feel a few didn't see past the imagery. I didn't see any relation to food either, rather a sensation of textures and layers of essences. I was taken by your use of expression and how life comes back to beginnings and ends. Thanks for the wonderful entry
Peace Muddy
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Hmmm... Well that was a different way to go about it! I like it! I think that it was interesting to use fruit, the natural bounty of the earth and compare it to the sweets of man's own made hand. My favorite one was 'tangerine and tabasco', just because they are both so unique in their flavors and I just adore food! So I think I like how you went about presenting your views in this way. I think that you did a good job of expressing yourself here. So good luck in your contest and thanks for featuring this so that we all had a chance to share your words and feelings with you today!
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VERY DESCRIPTIVE!!! GREAT ENDING.
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Hello Fellow Texan!!!!! I like this a lot. Good luck in the contest but this looks like a really good entry for this.
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interesting write,
but very awesome
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whoa, that is awesome and great. Very cool subject matter to write about. I liked it alot, good job, and God bless!
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Nice poem nice flow and rythm. I thought it had good imagery and it made me hungry for the food that it portrayed. lol oh well that is what diets do to you I guess lol Great job and good luck
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mmmm tasty
lol im just kidding!
but seriously that was extremely well written. the amount of thought that must have been put into that is obvious!!!
hmmm...i absolutely loved this stanza:
universal musings of importance
fallen impotent
on empty hearts gone dry
kind of sad with a feeling of helplessness.
anyway great write
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beatiful,but,its a bit odd mentioning so much food.
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This is a very interesting piece indeed. Good metaphors and similies. Very well written and spoken with true emotion shining out. great job! And good luck in the contest!
psycho -
Interesting piece. I like the idea and the contrasts you make, using the symbolism of winter and spring, sorrow and joy, but I found some of the adjectives ineffective and think the write would stand stronger without them.
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WOW... I love this poem!!! It is so well written!!! You did a great job with the metaphors!!! Good luck in the contest!!!
Hugs,
Beth -
Amazingly written. Lots of vivid images in my mind. I liked it very much. Thanks for sharing.
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an interesting write here.
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clever, clever, clever. you used really good descriptions, metaphors, and similes. I am impressed. I LOVED the part about chocolate and citrus...it was so beautiful...and I've never heard it used before. this is great...plus, it forced me to think deeper, and read between the lines and beneath the actual words...it takes talent to make somebody want to do that. you did a fantastic job on this and you should be very proud of your work. ~Kiwi
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Absolutely amazing imagery, this poem leaves a lot up to the reader's imagination which is excellent and not done enough. Most people now simply spell out what they're saying and call it poetry, however this draws the picture rather than simply being words. You've done a beautiful job and I hope to see more of your work later on. Keep up the writing!
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This is absolutely beautiful.... I love the way you can say so much with words. The descriptiveness, with metaphor and such... I've never quite mastered that. You've painted a beautiful picture here. Thanks for sharing. Write on, poet
~Amy
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This piece has some great imagery; you paint a very bright, clear picture. Your rhythm is lovely; very relaxed and smooth-flowing. And; assuming I have understood correctly; your theme of moderation is very well addressed in an interesting, original manner with some very clever analogies. Nice work
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Very...TASTEFUL...I loved this Thistle...great write, and luck to you in the contest!
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Thistle this is such a beautiful write that you have done here.
Your imagination has really gone wild on this. Your words just flow ever so well making this work great.
Good luck in the contest
Dawn
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What a beautiful poem!! Images so entrancing...ideas full of imagination. I love this poem!! Good luck in the contest!! Warm Regards....vivela
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Wow. Amazing word choice! This is great! Thank you so much for sharing!
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This is such a beautiful piece of writing.....the words and lines flow perfectly...I must say I really enjoyed this! thank you for sharing this with us and keep up the good work. Best of wishes to you. good luck in all that you do....peace always in all ways. You rock....
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Wonderful piece filled with lovely imagry, I liked the sweet and sour analogies. Excellent feel and flow. Great work, keep your pen forever flowing! Bunny
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Wow. I really love this piece. I absolutely love your phrasing. It's definitely unique. And I really like the image of chocolate and citrus...those are two of my favorite things! Lol. Really great piece. Thanks for sharing :-)
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Ooooooo....nice. Very nice. I particularly loved the line:
fuchsia frost and fragrance
You had it flowing there! That got me hooked into this poem. -
Superb
Oh wow this is a stunning write and so vivid with imagary and wonderful flow.I also love the metaphor of Chocolate and Citrus to describe joy and hardship. I found the message in this poem of hope and joy to be found amid adversity and pain. Love, blessings and hugs. Marilyn -
exquisite
Very good work!! I love this and I love the way you made it sweet and sour, or in my opinion, this seemed to be the theme. Wonderful images and perfect form. I bow to your art, poet.
hugs WolfHeart -
OKAY...definitely a bitter-sweet poem with sweet and sour sauce ...kind of like chocolate covered orange peels...is there a message?
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I liked what I saw when I read this. The concepts were wll put together and the message was filled with flavor.
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wow. this was beautiful. absolutely amazing.
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good poem, such a creative title. i like the short and sweet stanzas. i also like the language usage, you manage to use sinple words but make them sound complex and beautiful. aside from all that, i am slightly confused on what your intent with this poem was? i feel like there is some message there that i am missing, but when i finally get it i will love the poem! perhaps i just need to read this again!!
creative poem! -
wasn't to sure when i clicked on this with the title, but i sure did enjoy it! it is cute, and looking at it the way you have penned it here, makes a lot of sense! keep that pen flowing.
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i had fun reading this poem...it kept me wondering of what would be next since it kept me completely curious ( the title alone made me a little curious)
good job and good luck
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