-Aqua Ducks-
We walked on tip toes
Degenia and I,
Wobbling like bobble heads
on an edge of the aqua duc
Yep.
There were ducks down in there
Floating along like they care none
about the undercurrent
That momma had warned us
would take us on a no air dance
and dump, if it caught our
toes,
pulled under our nose.
But the chance is why me and
sister were here with the ducks
and their dipping for feast
And we saw too,
the lines of parellal black
fish within
dipped our vertical lines
in hopes of making a right angle
with them-
We were all hungry then
Hungry for a lot of things.
Those were the sweat
and burn, of our summer days
Our child like ways before our appetites
widen like bridges of city steel
And I hold these hot memories
with both hands
Just above the dangerous cool
dip of aqua water...
Author notes
I don't know if this is exactly what you were going for. But I've never really been camping or to a wood area. We lived on the outskirts, but that's about it.
But I know I've seen you around and you seem like a nice girl. And nobody seems to be entering really. 
So I thought I'd try and get as close to Option 1 as I could. I hope you have a great summer and we'll see you when you get back!
Written June 24th, 2006
A contest entry
- ~:::Wooded Entrapment!:::~ by deadcolor dreams.
303 points, ended September 16, 2006, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - One by Nam.
425 points, ended October 6, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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"about the undercurrent
That momma had warned us" - this part reads as an enjambment, to me. And, if it is, I feel that "That" should be lowercased. Also, it doesn't really work too well that it's broken from the verse since it seems to be an enjambment. Usually that only works in syllable count/form poetry; which I do not perceive this to be.
Also, you have too many filler words, i.e.: and - I would suggest on rereading it, and removing any unnecessary words, to make a tighter read, which I feel would improve the piece a great deal.
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Ducks in the aquaduct, what a bonus for city kids to get to see nature in the suburbs. Nice write and congrats on your trophy.
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Wow. Thank you! That was such a nice comment you left!
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Just lovely!
Wow, this has brought back my memories of childhood and my sisters.
I was never one for fishing, but those ducks.
We actually found some in the drainage thing that is on the side of the road, is that the sewer? We found a family of ducklings, but no mama duck.
We had to rescue those poor little duckies.
The last line of this if my favorite!
♥ Tink -
Well written poem.
We were all hungry then
Hungry for a lot of things.
There is much said in just the few words in the two lines above. Thank you for sharing with us. -
awesome
aha awesome, you captured heat and memory here very well. You took a concept, expanded on it, twisted it, made it come alive... this is an exceptional poem. One tiny thing I noticed: "on an edge of the aqua duc" isn't it supposed to be DUCT? I'm not sure, but you might want to check Great write!
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dipped our vertical lines
in hopes of making a right angle
with them
this is a really good point of interest in your poem. right on -
A KEEPER, INDEED!
Another wonderful and enchanting piece full of wonderful images and personality form you! I TRULY enjoyed it and I love watching the ducks, too and have nearly falling of the dike into the sea with my camera doing so - and I can't even swim! LOL!!! Thanks oce again for featuirng this for otherwise i would have sadly missed it, today! It flowed as smooth as chocolate pudding, Baby!
Peace & Love!
Earl. -
i like this, its cute.
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Sinking?
That's kind of scary!
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Yep. I know how to spell 'duct' and 'duck'. It's a play on words and meaning. Since their were ducks floating in it. See?
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im gunna write some more when a read this poem i felt as if i was sinking....dont ask y i really dont know ne ways it was a very good write
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its so good very well written its a very nice peace i like it alot
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Actually the term is called "aqua duct" you forgot the t. Other than that I thought it was a nicely done poem. Ducts and ducks! who could ask for more Good luck in the contest!
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